Strict mothers!

Speaking of which, I will probably end up being the strictest mother on the block. My nephew is 8 and coming home from school all the boys around his age were on about what they were playing on the computer the night before. Mostly Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty. Both of which are 18 certificates. It shocked me to be honest, all these "little" boys (they won't thank me for that! But they ARE 8!!) playing games like that - what are their parents doing?! I tell you this, my boys will not be playing things like that until they are actually the right age - but then their mates will all be on about it and my two won't have a clue what with being stuck with Disney dvds and Spongebob games! They will be pariahs! It is very hard being a parent, it's so hard to be strict and not just give in. 

And at school this afternoon, a little girl who was just walking was toddling round while her mum was oblivious to her, gossiping with her mates. She had a packet of Walkers crisps (which mine never had till much later as they are choking hazards don't you know!) and kept dropping them in the slushy dirty snow and then picking them up and eating them. It was all I could do not to rush up and stop her! If she gets sick her mum will probably go "I have no idea how she caught it". But to be honest, she probably picks up worse at home! Fags or cans of Special Brew.

Shit. I think I am a snob. No I'm not really, I'm just the Strictest Mother in Essex! Beware my children, beware!

Christmas blackmail

So in a (probably) vain attempt to get Littl'un to sleep in his own bed all night we told him that Santa wouldn't leave him any presents if he isn't in his own bed when he comes, as he'll think he isn't there. This could backfire spectacularly if he doesn't stay put. Do I then not give him his presents?! Of course not, I'm not THAT cruel! Though I may hide them for an hour or two :) This has already backfired in a way as he got all worried about his friend who has gone to his grandparents for Christmas. "How will Santa know where he is?" he asked and then "how will Santa know I have a little brother now?!" Bless, it is lovely his concern for others! It'll be a shame when he doesn't believe anymore and just tuts or grunts when he opens his very expensive computer games/consoles/mp3 players in a few years...

Babies!

Littl'un #2 turned 1 on Monday last week. By Wednesday the same week he was walking. That boy wants to grow up too quick! If I don't watch him, by February he'll be trying to drive and get a girlfriend...

Spoilers part 2

So in the next episode of the program I was watching avidly (Any Human Heart if you're interested), right at the end the main character was hit by a van. It was out of the blue, really shocking, and then it ended. So to a week of wondering "did he live? was he badly hurt?" and anticipation of the next episode? No. They cut to a clip of him sitting in hospital looking chipper. I know it's based on a book and most people might have read it and know what's coming, but I didn't. It was a really good program but totally ruined by the idiot people who thought it would be a good idea to show most of the next episode at the end of the last one. Idiots.

Naked men!

So I was watching the Royal Variety last night, some of it was quite entertaining. But at the end Take That (is there anything they haven't  been on?) sang standing on a stage surrounded by loads of men wearing nude coloured pants. And everytime they bent over the camera panned from the back of the stage and we were greeted with a sea of naked bottoms!! How bizarre was that?! And Littl'un had woken up and come downstairs and I thought "what harm can the show do? It's a family entertainment show isn't it?" Apparently not. Explaining that one to him was quite interesting...

X Factor

OMG I am SO cross about the X Factor tonight! I don't even know why I watch it, but once you start you can't switch it off! Tonight it was between Mary who is a belter of a singer and almost every week got a standing ovation and the judges couldn't hear themselves over the applause. And Cher. Who is emotionally unstable, really irritating, loves herself and it is always a toss-up if she will perform well or not. Or at all. So it came down to Simon Cowell who had the deciding vote. And basically it came down to "well Mary can cope if she goes out now and she will do well anyway" and "Cher will go mental and have a breakdown". So Cher went through. I'd love to see her face next week in the final when she doesn't win. I bet she stamps her little feet backstage and screams "but you PROMISED!" - a bit like Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The judges have been so hypocritical this year. Firstly they want a "brilliant singer". Then scrub that, they want a "brilliant performer", the singing isn't that important. Then they want a "brilliant recording artist." Then they want "someone interesting". They really can't decide what they want. And the ones who cry and forget their words do better than the ones who bothered to learn their songs and try not to let their emotions get the better of them. Which obviously would be a Good Thing for a performer no?

And when Cher announced that she wanted to "change British music" with her irritating but she thinks it is so clever megamixes of singing and rapping, I really wanted to punch her in the face! I think my lesson is to switch off the tv and go and do something more interesting instead. And Mary should have broken down into tears, gone "oh sod this" and walked off stage. She probably would be in the final now!

Merry f***ing Christmas!

Sorry for the cursing but really. I have just spent a fraught day trying to get the xmas tree up. This has involved:

1) 2 arguments
2) lots of shouting
3) lots of swearing
4) crying
5) some smiling
6) more swearing
7) 1 diabetic hypo attack

And this was mostly getting the lights on the tree! OMG I hate putting the lights on. And taking them off again so that they will possibly work next year too. But now it is done it does look lovely!

Spoilers

What is it with tv at the moment?! There is a big trend of showing the highlights of the next episode at the end of programs. Last night I was catching up and watching one of my dramas that the husband refuses to watch. Right at the end a bloke who has been a prisoner of war for over a year gets back home to be told that his wife and daughter were killed by a bomb. It was heart-rending and so sad, when he knocked on his front door and someone else answered it you knew it wasn't good. Then they cut to him screaming in agony, then a second later it goes to "and next time..." and it really spoilt the moment. The poor director spent ages building up the tension and getting to the crucial bit of the plot, and then the bloody program schedulers ruined it. Why do they think we are not to be trusted to watch the next episode without some enticement of what is to come? 

Imagine if they did it with books. You get to the end of a Harry Potter novel for instance, and there is a page at the end: "Next time in Harry Potter: he has a lot of fights, gets really angry, and Dumbledore dies and it was Snape who did it". Would you bother reading the next one?! And the worst thing is that the tv program was from a book, and the author did the screenplay, he must be screaming at the tv!

Everyone is obsessed with my demise!

The other night I had to leave the house to make a short emergency rescue for Lady Librarian who was silly enough to come back from her hols on a Sunday where a) there were the usual engineering works so no trains and b) a tube strike so no tubes either. Luckily for her she managed to get about the only tubes actually running to get close enough for me to pick her up. When I left the house both  boys were sound asleep and Mr Babs was rubbing his hands at the thought of half an hour to himself. When we got back it was bedlam. Both boys were up, the little one was screaming his head off and Mr Babs looked very relieved we were back!

Later when peace was restored, he said that he was convinced that something had happened to me as they both woke up at the same time and couldn't be consoled. It is nice he cares, but honestly! I can't leave the house even when they are all asleep without chaos breaking out!! And why is everyone obsessed with me dying?!

Helloooo ladies!

Mr Babs has been teaching Littl'un all he knows about wooing women. It basically goes along the lines of:

*Wink*

then

"You're coming home with me"

Sadly Littl'un has it down better than his dad! And luckily he never tried it on me or we might never have made it past date one!

Royal weddings

So the other day there was an announcement that Prince William had proposed to his girlfriend of about 50 years and they would be getting married next year. Lovely. You would have thought that then they would have moved on to other stuff that was happening in the world. But oh no. This announcement meant the tearing up of the tv schedules so rabid reporters could spend the day going over and over and over the "exciting" news. I was fed up of hearing about it by lunchtime. They even cancelled Bargain Hunt! I bet the Queen wasn't happy! By 10pm the news had a 45 minute special before mentioning any, erm, actual news. It was totally ridiculous. They had reporters camped outside everywhere that had a tiny bit of significance to the story. I was waiting for "Mr Smith who once served William in Greggs" to come on screen to tell us the Prince's favoured choice of pasty.

It is so hypocritical too, we moan about the Royals, how much they cost us, and then there the press are fawning over them like bloody stalkers! And how much is this wedding going to cost? We're all broke, having our money wrested from us so we have less and less money to buy things like nappies every month and they expect us to be happy for the ridiculous amounts they are going to spend? They should get married in a registry office in Clapham, that'd show the rest of us how "down" they are with their public!

And that was only the engagement annoucement. God help us when it's the actual wedding...

Pretend Jacob

Littl'un announced yesterday that he has a new friend. He is called "Pretend Jacob". This is a bit odd. I am all for imaginary friends, I'd even set a place at the table for one, but the way Littl'un calls him "pretend" means that he knows he isn't real too! Isn't that the point of imaginary friends, you think they are real?! The poor Fox has been relegated now Pretend Jacob has turned up. Pretend Jacob has more manners though, it appears that the Fox does all the naughty stuff like eating all the food and behaving badly (and he is even blamed for farting!) - while Pretend Jacob gets to do all the fun stuff. Although he has to live in the loft. I wonder if Littl'un will develop a  different "friend" for all the different bits of his personality? Looks like we're off to visit "Pretend Child Psychologist"!

Money money money

I currently have something of a bidding war going on for a crib set I listed on Ebay. It is new as I bought it and didn't have a crib (doh!) but still. The higher the bids go the more paranoid I get that they think it is something it isn't. I don't want a repeat of the woman who hated my favourite maternity top! What if I post the set to the winner and they thought they were getting a crib as well?! For the price they all seem willing to pay I wouldn't be surprised if they expect a baby as well...it is lovely to have money rolling in for old stuff, but man it's scary too!!

Yes Sir! At once Sir!

After school yesterday I was in the kitchen just starting to think about dinner when there was a shout from the lounge:

"Is my dinner ready yet?!"
"Erm, not yet!"
pause...followed by a long suffering sigh...then...
"Have you even STARTED it yet?"

Young Master Babs. Aged 3. God knows what he will be like when he's 13!

Rainy Mondays

The one drawback of having kids of school age is the school run. It is almost guaranteed to be raining on both trips in the autumn/winter. Today it is torrential. If I didn't love my free 3 hours so much I would be phoning in sick for Littl'un!

Wagner!

Talking of all sorts, on X Factor this week, Wagner was a hoot again! It is infuriating my relatives that he gets through each week (as does Ann Widdecombe on Strictly) - and Cheryl was SO patronising shaking her head as he got through and her boring girls didn't. Do they not realise how entertaining he is? And in that catsuit he was Justin Hawkins' dad!! Go Wagner!!

Freeloaders

I advertised a baby seat on Freecycle today, it wasn't good enough to sell really but I thought somebody might make use of it. Freecycle is supposed to be a way of passing things on that you don't need anymore to someone who can make good use of it. Like I did with the giant trampoline. For a while. Anyway I got one response from someone who said they would really like the seat for their baby - and I immediately suspected ulterior motives! This person is on the site quite alot, they offered a dead cactus the other month - and the impression I got of them was not of someone that had just had a baby. More a loner who never goes out, is quite old, and likes collecting things (like dead plants). So I'm thinking "what do I do? do I let them have it?" - but really, what do I care what they do with it? They will come and collect it and take it off my hands, and it saves me a trip to the tip! Even if they are a weirdo who wants the seat for their pet poodle, hey, it takes all sorts!

Levellers

I was super excited to hear on the radio the other day that one of my all time favourite bands were touring again, the Levellers are doing a Levelling the Land anniversary tour next March. My initial response was to leap on the pc and try and get some tickets. But then the reality of the situation sank in. They are all 20 years older now, as am I, and it really won't be the same. You know when you are trying to relive something and it just isn't the same and ruins the original too! I first saw them at the Guildhall in Preston and they were brilliant, then again in Birmingham (narrowly missing getting on the bus to Simply Red who were also playing in Birmingham by mistake) which was also good. I used to have a crush on the lead singer, but he is probably quite fat now and has kids and he will bring them onstage at some point, and all my youthful dreams will be crushed. And then there's the problem of going to a gig with tall people standing in front of you, or snogging people snogging in front of you. Or trying to see the band at all. I think I am just too old and I should just stick the cds on and tie-dye  a t-shirt for the occasion...

Librarian in fine shocker!

In yet another gripe about our bleeding public library, I realised all our books were overdue today, I now owe almost £4!! That is coz Littl'un insists on taking home about 25 books every time we go. I never get overdue books! But now they don't stamp the books telling you when they are due, the machine that issued the books had run out of paper so we didn't get a receipt telling me when they were due, and they also don't email you to tell you the books are overdue. Damn them. Is it worth me appealing?!

Owning up

A ha! We have the culprit. Littl'un announced yesterday: "I am the fox"

I knew it!!

Child free weekend

So for the first time ever Littl'un went to spend the weekend at his grandparents. He said he wanted to go, I was convinced that at the last minute he would turn round and refuse to go. He didn't, he barely even waved as he was transported off in the car, so bothered was he at leaving his mother behind. He spent two days being thoroughly spoilt and said he didn't want to come home. For our part, we got our first uninterrupted lie-in since he was born, his little brother obligingly slept in too, and we all had a very peaceful non-shouty weekend. Baby #2 revelled in being able to crawl around doing whatever he wanted without being told he couldn't, I revelled in being able to sit on the sofa for longer than 2 minutes without being forced to get up, and Mr Babs was much the same as usual really. It really made me think, not that I don't want Littl'un around, and we did miss him, but kids that can actually speak are a lot more trouble than ones that can't. If you could stop them growing any bigger than about 18 months that would  be lovely, when they are all cute and saying "mama" and a few other words, but they can't actually argue with you. Is that possible?!

Outwitted by a 3 year old...

Littl'un is obsessed by the toxic red sludge that escaped in Hungary the other week. For once I put the news on at teatime and he saw the footage and ever since has had nightmares about the "red mud" and constantly worries about it coming to get him. So I sat him down the other day and explained to him that it was in a country called Hungary which was over the sea and a long long way away and that the red mud couldn't make it this far and he was safe. And that it had been sorted out now and was all gone. I thought he understood me until he said;

"What does red mud eat?"

 I said; "what do you mean, mud doesn't eat anything", to which he replied:

"But you said it was hung[a]ry"

Honestly!! This really happened! He is so funny bless him! But he is still concerned about the red mud, though more about what it had for dinner than as a potential threat!

Fantastic Mr Fox

This morning the fox got into the fridge and ate half a box of little sausages. It's a wonder Littl'un doesn't stop him ;)

The fox did it...

This morning I came downstairs to find an empty box of maltesers on the kitchen surface. "What happened to the maltesers?" I asked Littl'un. "The fox ate them" he said without a trace of guilt. Then when I said "did you eat them?" he said "well there are some more in the fridge, I checked, and the fox told me to eat them".

I have to applaud his inventiveness really, what will he come up with next?

My death has been greatly exaggerated...

Today it was raining. Littl'un wanted to take his umbrella to school. Fine. Then he wanted to open it in the house before we left. I said he couldn't as it was unlucky. He kept on about it, I said "not in my house you don't" to which he replied:

"when you are dead and I have my own house I am opening my umbrella".

Cheers. He couldn't have just said "when I have my own house". No. He had to bring in my imminent death again! I'm going to buy him a scythe and a black cloak for Christmas.

Little liar

So Littl'un came out of nursery with the beginnings of a black eye yesterday. His teacher said "did he have that when you dropped him off?" to which I was like "um, no, I think I would have mentioned it if he had". "Well," she said, "we asked him what happened and he said his brother hit him with his toothbrush this morning". His brother is 10 months old. He cannot wield a toothbrush, a toy brick yes, that would have been more believable.

At school for less than a week and already an accomplished liar. Good job there teachers!

Kids!

Littl'un started at nursery today, he loved it bless him! It was quite sad for me, he looked so grown up in his uniform but so small! When he came home, he was full of everything he had done, and then out of the blue he said:

"My teacher is called Mrs Bubbles" (she isn't really, I am protecting her right to anonymity!). "And she is a BIT fat!"

I said "you didn't tell her that did you?" (thinking PLEASE don't have said that on your first day, son!). And luckily he said he didn't. But honestly, where do kids get it from?! He also said the other day that his toy Spongebob wasn't playing anymore as "he was dead". What do you say to that?: "Do you want to bury him in the garden or flush him down the toilet then son?". Once I have brought up these kids and let them out into the world I am applying to the UN to be a peace negotiator...

Delhi belly

So most of the swimmers in the Commonwealth Games have got dodgy stomach upsets. That could be a tad awkward. They put dye in the water to see if anyone has done a wee these days don't they? What do they do for number twos?! Though I suppose they wouldn't need to put anything in would they?! Ooh imagine the shame if that happened?! Forget the gold medal you just won. Paula Radcliffe will never get past the weeing in the street episode, but it could have been so much worse!

This is why I don't do any sport at competitive level :)

Boozy mums

So some idiot scientists have started the controversy about drinking and pregnancy up again. They now say that to have a couple of drinks a week "does no harm". But how do they actually know?! It does my head in! In both of my pregnancies I didn't drink a drop from the day I found out I was pregnant. I would rather not take the risk myself. I know people who do have the odd tipple, and that's up to them. But to me, (call me prissy if you like, I was a librarian!), alcohol isn't a necessity unlike food. I would have loved a drink at some points, but the not knowing what it would do to my baby stopped me. Even after having my kids I don't drink much at all any more. Once when Littl'un #1 was little I went crazy and had a few too many. Then he was sick in the night and needed me and I couldn't help as I was being sick in the bathroom! And hangovers and early starts also don't do anyone any good!

So I think my lesson is basically that kids & booze don't mix. Period. From the day of conception to the day they leave home! Dammit, where's that bottle of gin?!

Doctor Doom

Today Littl'un was playing Doctors. He listened to my chest, felt my pulse and did all his checks. I said "what is the diagnosis, doctor?". He said very solemnly:

"You will die in your bed".

Cheers, doctor. Unfortunately he couldn't provide a timescale for his diagnosis...

The good wife

Either that or I am an idiot. With a banging headache and in the rain, I dragged 2 kids to the supermarket purely to partake of a cracking deal on beer for Mr Babs. And I forgot to get myself anything booze related. Well I did get ice cream to make up for it. Mmm, ice cream...

Weird child logic

Littl'un has taken to making grand statements of late. His latest?

"When I am a dad, I can drink beer...and coke"

I have tried explaining that he doesn't actually have to be a dad, just a man, but it isn't sinking in. I really hope he doesn't try to get a girl up the duff at an early age just to have a lager! But what intrigues me is that he thinks drinking coke is worse! The fact that his dad drinks lager like it is coke probably has something to do with it...

Bzzzzzz

Doing the crossword in the free paper Mr Babs brings home for me (the easy one) I actually learned something.

A beekeeper is called an apiarist.

There you go, I don't think I ever knew that before! I loftily announced to Mr Babs that "oh whatever it is, it must be based on the Latin". And it was, the latin for bee is apis. But I didn't know that either. We had to google it in the end, the dictionary was extremely unhelpful! And you don't know how hard that was for an ex-librarian to admit!

Big boy!

Today an advert for a soft Iggle Piggle toy was on the tv.  It was so cute, he had his own pyjamas and you had to get him ready for bed and then tuck him in with you when you went to sleep. Littl'un LOVED In the Night Garden, but apparently now he is a whopping 3 years of age this is now "baby stuff" and he is a big boy and won't be watching it anymore. Neither does he want the cute Iggle Piggle toy for Christmas. Shame, I quite liked the programme. I have great hopes for #2, he will be initiated!

Still here...

If anyone was worried, I don't think it's carbon monoxide poisoning!

Were you?!

Duh...

How do you know if you have carbon monoxide poisoning from spending too much time in your front room near the boiler or that it is your brain slowly shutting down due to spending too much time with children? I suppose if it is the former I'll find out first!

Equality for women?

In one fell swoop, Katie Price aka Jordan has dragged women's rights back about a hundred years. Convicted of dangerous driving in a bright pink horsebox - she veered into other lanes causing other cars to nearly crash as she was busy texting - she said it was not due to her phone but because she was a "woman driver". Gee thanks Katie. The suffragettes would love you. And sadly it is mostly due to women's rights that she is allowed to prance around making ridiculous tv programmes/perfume/records/"novels" or whatever takes her fancy and make loads of money from making us all suffer! I'd have her stuck at home wearing lots of brown looking after her husband and kids and being totally downtrodden if I could, it would be fairer on everyone!

New shoes!

Littl'un starts school next week and we went out and got him some new shoes this morning. Then he wanted to try his uniform on. Bless, he looks so grown up but so little!! He is so proud of his new shoes, it's a shame they won't last the first morning without getting scuffed. I looked at mummy shoes while we were in there, there are some beautiful shoes around at the moment. But all VEEERRRRYYY expensive! £79.99 for some boots?! £69.99 for some shoes??!! Man, those days are LONG gone, and I don't think I would have paid that if I was a millionaire anyway! My £6 bargain trainers will have to do the winter.

Just call me Scrooge...

Lightweight

It's Sunday afternoon, I have indulged for once and had a glass of red wine while I'm making dinner. Half a glass down and I feel wrecked! These bloody kids have ruined my alcohol tolerance.

If I drink the rest nobody is getting any dinner...

Green fingered? Erm, no...

I have been trying to get to grips with my garden so it is all nice and tidy for winter. I chopped down my buddleia yesterday, and am now considering the conifers. But I have no idea what I am doing, I work on the principle of chopping bits off till the plants are much smaller. But in deference to my lack of knowledge I did a bit of online research, admittedly after I chopped the buddleia down. Apparently it will be ok, but in the spring I have to really go at it till it's a metre off the ground! No wonder it went wild this year, I only chopped off the big bits last year! Conifers, however, are a different thing altogether. Loads of sites give very detailed descriptions of how to prune them, with warnings about what would happen if it was done wrong. We did it last year on the "chop randomly" principle, and they seem to be ok. But they have grown back twice as much this year - I really need a gardener! Or someone to give me a crash course in gardening. It is a wonder my plants aren't all dead already.

And in my dream house that I will be living in sometime before I die, I will have a nice square garden with 6ft fences, a nice square lawn, and lots of pots on a patio that are easy to look after, and perhaps a greenhouse. Not a 100ft garden filled with flower beds that are weed magnets and trees that go mental!

And then...

the mechanic takes the car back again, spends all morning on it...and it still leaks! I'm just not going to look next time!

Don't you just hate it when...

...you pay out the last of your money till pay day to get a leaking car fixed, and it still leaks when you get it back. Bloody cars.

Liar liar

Littl'un has developed a new habit recently. Lying. I have no idea why, and most of the time I can tell, but yesterday I couldn't and it's worrying. He was at his cousin's house and came home crying, his aunt said that he punched his cousin and admitted it and said sorry. When she left I asked what happened. He swore blind that he hadn't hit him, but it was the other way round. This was more plausible as his cousin can be a leetle (well a lot) violent, so I was inclined to believe him, but something niggled. So a while later I said "so why did your cousin hit you then?" to which Littl'un said "well he hit me first" - and I was all "A-ha!! You did hit him then!" - caught out in the end! 

It's no good though, we have explained loads of times that lying is much worse than whatever it was that he did, and he always agrees wholeheartedly but continues to lie. 3 years old and dishonest?! He'll be in the nick by 5 at this rate!

Fact or fiction?

We watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie last night, despite my initial scepticism after reading some reviews it was actually really good. Well anything with Robert Downey Jr in it gets my vote anyway! After it finished, Mr Babs asked how they knew so much about Sherlock Holmes, and I said "well it's all in the books" and we proceeded to have an argument about whether Sherlock was originally a real detective in London. Mr Babs couldn't understand how the address in Baker Street could be so famous and have people visiting it if it wasn't real. I had two words for him. "Harry Potter". That shut him up! But he had real trouble understanding how a book could have so much influence that a fictional address in a story could take on a real life of its own - Sherlock even has his own museum in Baker Street now! But Harry Potter has gone one better - a whole theme park no less. It is interesting though, I wonder in the future how many people will think Harry Potter was real? Or is he?!

Nurse Barbara

This week I have discovered that I would be a terrible nurse. Mr Babs has toothache, it is a bad one, but honestly, I can't take the moaning! I'm doing all I can for him - making the dentist appointments, going with him to the appointments, sorting out his painkillers and stuff, but if he tells me about how much he is suffering one more time I might pull the tooth out myself! And he keeps showing me the abscess he has and telling me what stage it is at, I really don't want to see it. I had two kids and I didn't burden him with all the gory details about the stitches and the pain and the blood! 

That might be my problem actually. Once you have gone through childbirth you think no other pain can compare and the person is just being a wuss! Unsympathetic? Yes. But I'm a librarian by trade, not Florence Nightingale. I'll sympathise if you tear a page in your book, but break your leg and I'm looking the other way with my fingers in my ears! God help the littl'uns if they ever do anything serious, they had better go to their dad :)

Oooohhhhhhhh!

Last night Littl'un woke me up insisting I sleep in his bed with him. Which was fine. Until I realised he was wide awake and staring over my shoulder into the bedroom. "What's that behind you?" he asked. Scared the life out of me! Luckily I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary but then adults don't always do they?! 

I'm not sleeping in his room again!

Dirty boy!

We were eating dinner the other night at the table all civilised like when Littl'un let off the biggest fart I've heard in a long time. Instead of his usual "pardon me", he laughed and said, "it's ok, it's just my talking bum bum!".

Honestly, with 3 boys to contend with, I have no chance...

An apology

I take it all back. My card turned up today - it was held at the Post Office as it hadn't enough postage. And it was unsullied, cash and all still there! It restores my faith in humanity. But it has taught me not to be so quick to assume the worst, I do feel bad for my rant Mr Postman. 

But not that bad, I'm off shopping now! I am going to do something I haven't done in years - buy a proper cd and listen to it the whole way through! And maybe some shoes...

The Post Office - a rant

So it was my birthday last week, less booze and high heels and more dirty nappies this year, but it was very nice anyway. One blot was that I didn't get a card from my dad. I went through all the options - he decided he hated me and hadn't sent a card, he forgot, it got lost. I steeled myself to ask him if he had sent one to which he cheerily said "oh yes and it had cash in it, didn't you get it?" Of course I never bloody got it. And this year I really could have done with the money. He usually sends a cheque. Why in the name of god did he decide to put cash in it?

To people not familiar with the Post Office of the United Kingdom, these days you cannot trust it with anything of value. Tickets for concerts, cheque books, money, presents not sent by recorded post - in fact anything that takes the fancy of the person entrusted with it. Mr Babs bought some tickets to a horse racing venue the other month and the only options were the normal post or collection on the day. We didn't even consider the post. Whenever I post anything I have little faith it will get where it is supposed to. Some postmen even just decide they can't be bothered to actually post the mail and leave it in their car or dump it somewhere. Do they not vet postmen these days?! Apparently messing with the post is a criminal offence but that never stops them. I am so cross. I do mourn the days of writing letters and getting mountains of post but these days email is so much more reliable. Imagine if you wrote a love letter to someone and they never replied as they never got it, but they thought you were ignoring them and you thought they were ignoring you. I could have fallen out with my dad as I thought he'd forgotten my birthday!

I am going to complain, I know it won't get me anywhere, but it might make me feel better. Hopefully next year Dad won't be so silly! Ha by next year the Post Office might even be no more and we'll be back to messengers who run up and down the country for a fiver :)

Barbarians!

So they want to allow adverts on the Colosseum to help raise money for its conservation? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Is nothing sacred? It'll soon be looking like Piccadilly Circus with hundrends of neon signs hanging off it, and a big M for McDonalds coming out of the middle. You watch.

Dinner Date

A new program has hit daytime tv - Dinner Date. It's actually quite entertaining but a leetle bit unsettling. The premise? A singleton picks 3 out of 5 menus prepared by potential dates and then has 3 dates at their houses where they wine and dine them before picking their favourite date to take out for a meal and perhaps more! It is a cross between Come Dine With Me and Blind Date. But at times it seems to be a very old fashioned test of a partner's skills - how is the cooking? Is their house nice and clean and tidy? Did they provide drinks all night? Check! Next! The next series will be "Washing and ironing date" where the potential dates wash and iron the singleton's clothes and they judge them on the results. Then "Looking after children date" followed by a late night "Rumpy pumpy date". Hehe.

And how can you judge a potential partner by their cooking without even meeting them first? Surely it is the other way round, you meet someone you really like, then they make you burnt beans on toast for tea, then the romance fades away as fast as your appetite! If I was doing it, the sure fire way to a man's heart is steak and chips and lager for pudding. I'd definitely get picked :)

Mr Ballooney / Mr Salsa (grrrr!)

So the other day I was a Very Good Mum and took Littl'un to the library where Mr Ballooney was doing "magic and a puppet show". He was actually quite funny, it was a little overwhelming for Littl'un who is a sensitive soul - he doesn't like girls and there were a lot of them, screaming "he's behind you" at Mrs Punch - but the promise of a balloon at the end kept him good. Anyway. It turns out that Mr Ballooney moonlights as Mr Salsa in the evenings, and in between making jokes he was trying to sign all the mums up to his salsa classes (every Thursday, except the first of the month - why I don't know, what would you find going on there if you turned up by mistake?!). It was very entertaining, the kids had no idea what was going on. But really. Once you've seen him as Mr Ballooney how could you take him seriously as a salsa teacher? I'd be expecting a balloon to pop out from his trouser pocket (stop that!) or Mr Punch to take over the lesson. The two just don't mix! And he was definitely flirting with one of the mums, he was a very cheeky Mr Ballooney!

You know you were destined to be a librarian...

...when you refuse to order food from takeaway menus that have spelling mistakes in them!

Wake me up before I ... oh no!!!....

Poor old George Michael is in trouble again. He is facing jail for driving and then crashing into a shop while out of his face on drugs. He was in Hampstead in his "luxury Range Rover" apparently. And which super posh Hampstead shop did he crash into? Waitrose? John Lewis? A super posh organic vegetable shop?  Mamas and Papas? Hampstead Luxury Hampers r Us? No? Snappy Snaps! Hehe, they must have developed his latest snaps wrong :)

Things not to wear around children #1

White tops. I bought one. It was dirty before it even got home. It will never be clean again...

"You want a GIANT trampoline?" Yes please!

I got my freecycle comeuppance yesterday!! After failing in a couple of attempts to get free stuff off people - I missed out on a microwave rice steamer which I was very upset about - I finally thought my luck was in when I was offered a kids trampoline I had said I would like. I was surprised I got it, but really excited. I picked it up yesterday and Mr Babs put it together. Unfortunately it is 12ft and takes up the whole of the garden! In fact, it doesn't even fit on the lawn it is so big, it is currently on our patio right outside the door and you can't get past it easily! Littl'un and his dad really love it - Mr Babs even went on it in the rain yesterday and the neighbours all looked at him like he was mad! It is such a shame it is too big, we can't keep it, but Littl'un can have it for a few days.

They say you never get anything for free, but we got LOTS of trampoline! That'll teach me to be greedy! And it also explains why they didn't get many people wanting it, I didn't realise quite how big a 12ft trampoline would be, maybe I should brush up on my maths!

Firemen

We had a fire safety check yesterday, our lovely local firemen offered to do it and we'd get new smoke alarms so why not? And they came in a fire engine, Littl'Un was SOOOO excited! They offered to let him sit in it, he refused and ran away "because he didn't want the nee naws to be switched on" bless him! He doesn't like loud noises. 

Anyway, this "check" was basically a fireman filling in a questionnaire about fire safety. Thinking back, it could have been done over the internet, he really didn't need to be there. It was quite funny really. He spent the most time on getting me to sign an indemnity form in case they broke anything, so I couldn't sue them. Then we had a discussion about the new smoke alarms we were having installed. "The batteries last for 10 years!" he said proudly, then went back to his questionnaire. "So, how often do you change or replace the batteries on your smoke alarm, madam?" he said. "Isn't that irrelevant now?" I said. "Erm, yes", he said.

"So do you have an escape plan in action?" he said. "Erm, kind of," said I, "our upstairs windows don't open because we have no keys for them". "Oh", he said, "well, if you ever do have a fire just make sure you ring us and stay in the bedroom". Thanks then! I was sure he'd advise us to sort the windows out, but no.

"So do you ever block your doors up with boxes?" he said. "Er, noooo," I said, a mite confusedly. "Oh that's ok then, a lot of people tend to block their doors up with boxes and stuff" he said. "A lot of people?" - surely he just means hoarders?

So really it wasn't much cop, but we have got shiny new smoke alarms and a photo of a fire engine minus Littl'Un who is really going to regret that later!

The death of romance

Mr Babs recently offered to take me out for a romantic meal. We haven't been out just the two of us since, erm, February 2009, I think! How sad is that?! Anyway, the trouble with having kids is that they usually kybosh any plans you have. Baby Babs #2 has decided recently that if he can't actually see or hear me he will go nuts. I left him with my sister-in-law when I went to the dentist, and he cried for the whole hour, then the minute I held him again he was all smiles. It's very nice at the time, it's nice to be wanted, but does this mean I can never go out without him again?! 

Instead of the romantic meal, where both of us would be sitting waiting for the phone call to rush home again, all four of us went to the dogs and I shared a bowl of chips with Littl'un. All hope of romance is dead. Unless you count Mr Babs making me a shandy when the kids are in bed! It's very depressing really, but in about 5 years or so we might be able to go out alone! Hell we might even get a weekend away!

Neighbours

Our neighbours have a little boy who is a few months younger than Littl'un and they play together over the fence alot. But the boy regularly throws mud and stones over the fence, he hit Litt'un in the head with a stone last week and yesterday he got an eyeful of mud. His parents can be heard telling him not to do it constantly, but they never ever follow through on their threats - he'll go indoors, he'll go to bed etc etc. So he doesn't stop. And why would he?! If my boys behave like that they only do it once! Luckily a neighbourly argument is being avoided as they are moving soon. But apparently a single 20 something bloke is moving in. So I'll be having rows about parties and loud music instead. Oh joy.

Freecycle

I recently joined Freecycle, a site where people list stuff they no longer need that they would have chucked out but this lets other people have use of them. I need a lawnmower badly. No one has offered me one. Anyway. You can also list stuff you want and it is hilarious, people seem to forget it is free and the things they ask for  are SOOO cheeky! Today some woman wanted a buggy. But instead of saying "I need a buggy if anyone has one they no longer use" she demanded a specific make and model! And it wasn't a cheap one! Honestly. If you really need a buggy and can't afford to buy one you wouldn't care what brand you got would you? And the other week someone asked for a whole list of things, including a gazebo, a swing seat for the garden, a 32" sony colour tv with stand, and a cotbed! I don't think gazebos come under necessities really and it really takes the piss out of the ethos of the site! I might ask for a purple Volkswagon Beetle next and see how many offers I get :)

Blog to book?

So the other night I was suddenly hit with the thought that my blog could just disappear - if blogger went tits up or just lost it or something. And all the stuff I've written about would be gone. It's a bit like a diary really, I would hate to lose it all. So I started thinking about ways to print it off and save it for posterity  - yeah coz I'm like Samuel Pepys for the 20th century me :)

So I started cutting and pasting it into word, which not only looks rubbish, but one year alone stretched to 39 pages and that was in a tiny font. And I can't afford THAT much ink! So then I stumbled upon a site that converts your blog to print and it looks really good, and costs roughly £50 which isn't that bad if you think about it. But I haven't got £50 for some silly vanity project! So I'll have to run the risk of losing it all and forgetting all Littl'uns' silly tales! Or I could go back to my diary instead, but I have learnt recently that I can't write very fast anymore! 

What I really need is my old library job back temporarily and the photocopier that does all kinds of cool printing formats, including booklets. And I am sure they wouldn't mind covering the cost of all the printing - that's what late night library shifts were for surely? :)

Weather man.

We were out in the car going shopping the other day and it started to spit with rain. I cursed the weather as I had just put my washing out. A wise voice piped up from the back seat: "Don't worry mummy, it's only a shower and it will be ok".

And it was.

Fat bottomed toddlers...

Yesterday Littl'un called me to do the necessary when he'd been to the loo. I noticed he hadn't used his booster seat that goes under the toilet seat and asked him why. He announced proudly: "I don't need that anymore, my bum bum is too big". 

So he has upgraded himself to the normal toilet! Bless him. Now if only he could wipe his own bum bum I would be a happy woman!

Librarian magic

EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO TO THE LIBRARY SOMETHING GOES WRONG!!!! AGH!!!!

Phew. That feels better. So today we went to the library, Littl'um wanted some new books. And I thought I had it all covered. I was prepared for books not going off tickets when returned - I got the librarian to check the ticket was empty after we returned the books on the self serve machine. Check. Then we got some new books and issued them all save one which wouldn't work on the machine, and printed out a receipt. Check. Then we took the non-issuing book to the librarian and she issued it for us. Check. And we left.

And then just now I looked at the receipt tucked into the book all nicely by said librarian. And she has issued a TOTALLY different book to his ticket, one about damsels in distress in rural Lancashire. I don't think Littl'un is into historical romance really. Holy crap. She even managed to do that right in front of me!! They are so bad they can cock things up right in front of you. And my mistake radar was on red alert and she still got me! How on earth am I going to persuade them that he didn't borrow it? And I really can't be bothered to go back again to sort it all out. Honestly, as I say everytime I blog about our library, they SO need me!

School picnic

Today we were at a school picnic. Littl'un hasn't started there yet but his cousin has so we went along too. Cor blimey there are some dodgy mothers at that school! Firstly, the outfits. Leopard print catsuits, boob tubes, SHORT denim shorts, all in one weird kaftan creations. And all about 4 sizes too small. The kids got eyefuls just glancing round the park. Then the conversations. Most of them were f'ing and blinding at a kids' picnic - where, just for the thick ones - KIDS will be there! We had conversations about being arrested, kicked out of the house, errant husbands - and that was before the sandwiches. 

Then there were two newly rich mums who were hilarious. They ostentatiously unpacked a table they had brought. Yes. A table. Then unpacked all the picnic in fancy boxes. But essentially they were the same as the leopard print brigade. Just with fancier hairdos and labels on their clothes. I am not a snob. Really I am not. But I do take exception to scumbags who ignore their kids, swear and drink in front of them (and their whole school) and flash most of their fake appendages to everyone.

I don't know whether it's better to avoid them or just give in and invest in a catsuit and gold heels...

Families!

I just had to endure a weekend with a member of my family who is more thick skinned than a hippo. They merrily insult everyone, barge into people's conversations and personal space constantly, put everyone's backs up and generally cause trouble. I so wish I could just tell them where to go, but being a polite librarian I can't (though this weekend it was quite close) and I don't want to cause a family ruckus. But why should we put up with them?! Why do families always have someone like this? And what can be done about them (apart from moving to Australia)? Any suggestions would be welcome!

School's out!

So Littl'un has finished his first year of school. It was quite sad really! He had his party and went as a very cool Incey Wincey Spider, and to my horror only one other mother (one!) had bothered to make a costume. Everyone else had gone to the Disney Store by the looks of them. And I don't know why I bothered as apart from a few comments from other mums (along the lines of "ooh isn't that nice, a home made costume" in the tone of "she must be mad") I might as well have dressed him in a bin bag. None of his teachers commented which is bad as he did a lot of the stuffing and supervising, but these days no children are allowed to "win" or "lose" and all have to be the same. But he refused to take it off for hours when we got home so at least he likes it!

Pass me the zimmerframe...

Littl'un just saw an advert for a sit-in shower, the type designed for elderly people. He asked why we hadn't got one. "It's for old people" I said. "You are old" he said.

Big school little school

I was trying to explain to Littl'un that after one more week he will be finished at his pre-school and going to Big School in September (how scary is that?!). None of his friends are going to the same school and I was trying to explain this, though obviously not very well as I got a worried look and "but mummy, I need someone to play with at Big School" - bless! He didn't get the concept of making new friends at all and now I think I've freaked him out and he won't want to go to his new school after all! Damn the tortuous road of conversing with 3 year olds...

Competitive Mother Syndrome

Littl'un has a school party next week where he has to dress up as a fairy story/nursery rhyme character. The stress this is causing me is actually worse than my dissertation back when I had a brain! First we decided on Twinkle twinkle little star and had big plans for cardboard cutout stars, paint, and glitter - until I woke up in the middle of the night thinking "he's going to poke someone in the eye and we'll get sued!". This was followed by 3 days of intense negotiations trying to persuade Littl'un to be something other than a star. He refused. Unless he could be a princess. His dad refused.

Then finally he agreed upon Incey Wincey spider. Phew! But then we had to figure out how to make the costume. You can't buy them, oh no, with Competitive Mother Syndrome you have to spend hours sweating over a home-made costume and then cry if your child doesn't win a prize. So far we have a t-shirt which has been transformed into a spider's body with extra legs and everything, and it looks quite good! Then we got onto the rest of it. An argument about whether spiders have feelers or not happened last night - they do thanks Daddy! And an attempt to make a cobwebby pattern on the t-shirt was a bit rubbish. I heard myself going "but he can't just go in the t-shirt, there has to be something else!!!" to which Daddy said "he probably won't wear it anyway". Which is very true. Or he'll be sick and off school.

I tell you, this is worse than deciding what to wear to my wedding. And it can only get worse!

Big in China?

These days I am getting loads of comments on here in chinese. But they make no sense! The last one I had translated into: "Long drive straight toward the planet's people, the inverse falter on the road in the gorge who achieve their goals more easily." Now is that the sign of a proper chinese person reading my blog or some crazyness that is quite bizarre? I was a bit worried they were a virus or some sinisterness so I always delete them but what if I am offending some chinese person who is trying to send me good (if a bit weird) advice?

Is anyone else plagued with chinese gobbledeegook?

Call me a liar!

Littl'un NEVER shuts up these days, from morn till night it's all "why?" "what?" "how?". And he never forgets ANYTHING. He would give an elephant a run for his money. I was painting my toenails the other day, this is such a rarity that Littl'un was intrigued. And demanded I paint his too. So I lied! I said that boys didn't paint their nails, only girls did. I couldn't face a discussion about goths or why some boys paint them and other boys don't! Especially as grandad has his painted sometimes :) 

It was only a white lie, but I know it will come back to bite me!

A lesson for teacher...

...if you are going to take some pre-school kids out of school to go and look at their new schools for September, and there is the slightest possibilty you are going to be back late, wouldn't it be a good idea to tell the parents the event is happening?! On Friday, loads of parents happily marched into school to pick their kids up, only to find them missing! Panic ensued until one of the teachers chirped up "oh, they're not here!" which also didn't help really! Honestly. And wouldn't it have been a good idea to tell the parents anyway? What if they were out and about and saw their kid wandering down the street?! They've all gone health and safety mad at schools these days,  you have to fill a form in to pick them up 5 minutes early, yet they are quite happy to take the kids on some mystery trip without any parental consent! Call the governors!!

Sorry England!

It appears the England debacle at the World Cup was all my fault. Not because the players are ridiculously paid in the Premier League, lauded like mini gods, and so don't give two hoots about playing for England, and were already off on their expensive holidays in their heads. No. I didn't see Mr Babs' Lucky England Pants where they had been discarded on the bedroom floor from the last game, and so they weren't washed and ready in time for the game. Neither did I put the boys in their England kits (it was the hottest day of the year, they were practically naked).

I did not realise I had these powers to affect the result of such things. Next time I will act accordingly. Sorry England.

Museums

We just got a new local museum in town which I was quite excited about going to see. It just opened the other month, and today I told Littl'un I'd take him this week. Then I saw the opening times and admission details . And they are only charging £2.50 to go in!! I suppose I am used to the museums in London that don't charge, but really, they have two little rooms of things dug up in the area, and if they are charging, you are really only going to go once aren't you? A contribution box would be better, at least you would chuck in your small change everytime you went. It's not quite the British Museum, I think I'll take Littl'un there instead - it is free and all and has mummies!

Father's Day

Littl'un woke his dad up on Father's Day by singing on the toilet very loudly. And when his grumpy dad emerged from the bedroom he was greeted with "Happy Father's Day, Daddy - look I did a BIG poo!!!"

(This is all the more amusing as we all get in big trouble for waking Daddy up at the weekend, but these days he is up a lot earlier!)

Hide and "seek"

Littl'un has no concept of the term "secret". Whenever there is a family birthday I have learnt not to tell him what we are giving people after he gave his nan a lovingly wrapped parcel and said "there you go nan, it's a bag". We wrapped his dad's birthday presents up one afternoon and the minute his dad came home he said "we've been wrapping your presents daddy!" and helpfully tried to show him where they were hidden! It is the same with hide and seek. He spends ages carefully thinking of where to hide something and the minute the other kids come in to find it he points and goes "there it is, under the beanbag!". He is either far too helpful or has decided life is too short to be wondering what things are or where they are hidden. With Father's Day coming up on Sunday there is a fine line between letting him choose a present and him squealing the minute he sees his dad. I might do the same to him next time he gets a present, that'll stop him! "Here you are son, it's a bike!".

Long waiting time? Read some porn to take your mind off it!

In the doctor's waiting room, while we were whiling away 40 minutes, Littl'un spotted a pile of books on a table. They seem to have replaced the usual copies of Bella and OK magazine with porn! Well, Mills and Boons anyway. Littl'un picked up one and waved it around. On the cover was a scantily clad lady "wrestling" with a man with lovely long locks. "What's this called?" he asked cheerily?

"The Sex Files".

The cream of the NHS...

So I took Littl'Un to the doctors to ask about his peanut allergy. And the doctor's advice?

"Have you considered not giving him peanuts?"

Gee thanks doc, I would never have thought of that! And he refused to test him! I said "well we were told to get him tested as peanut allergies can be fatal" to which he said: "well a lot of things can be fatal".

At this point I gave up and went home!

Facebook

I am so glad we didn't have facebook back in the days when I was on the dating scene. So many of the youngsters (get me - an old lady already!) are constantly "in a relationship" one day then "single" the next then "it's complicated" by the weekend. It makes my head spin! And for every status update about 30 people want to know all the details, who it is, what happened, how  you are etc. etc. And I think I know why so many relationships flounder so early on. Once your newly established and exciting romance has been announced, you know it is about to end once your paramour has made friends with your mother online and she is making sarcastic comments about your photos or lovey dovey comments to each other. It just isn't right! That's the problem with facebook, some things should be kept private or just between friends or just between family. You can't mix the different groups, it just doesn't work, and I am sure my friends (and especially my parents or possible future in-laws!) wouldn't have wanted to read all the lovely dovey schmoozing that my younger relations feel obliged to share these days! Just get a room, or for novelties sake, write a letter!

I've seen it all now!

A read of the Betterware catalogue put through our door yesterday is priceless! Almost as entertaining as the Residents Association Newsletter which sadly seem to have stopped now I come to think about it. Anyway, what with hubby being an electrician I found THE perfect Christmas present for him, something he would never have known he needed until he saw it - a magnetic wrist band to keep all his screws on!! That is so funny!! What man in general doesn't need a magnetic wrist band to keep all his metal things - cuff links, screws, can openers - really to hand whenever they are needed?!

Things not to do at nurseries...

March in at pick up time when it is full of kids and babies and announce "Look, this one has got chickenpox!" and wave the baby around like you just said it got A level maths already!! Stupid stupid woman. But considering the baby (probably about 4 months old) already had her ear pierced, I don't think the actual health of the baby is her first priority, more how much of an accessory the baby can be. The little thing has no chance.

Peanut butter

Yesterday Littl'un asked for peanut butter on toast like his dad. "All my friends at school have it too" he declared, and I know that was true as his friend had it in her sandwiches when they had a picnic together. "He's 3 now," I thought, "what can possibly happen?". He had the teeniest bite, declared he didn't like it, and refused to eat any more. Two minutes later he was complaining about a sore throat, cried himself to sleep, then woke up looking like Quasimodo and did a fine impression of the exorcist with sick.

So he won't be having that any more!

Britain's Got Poor Speling?!

So I caught the end of Britain's Got Talent to see Spelbound win the dosh. But it was marred for me. I kept thinking "look they've spelt their name wrong, how sad" and being generally irritated by poor spellingness instead of their gymnastic leaping about. And I am so sad that I looked this up on the old t'internet this morning and it turns out "Spelbound" is correct as it refers to where they train at Spelthorne Gymnastics Club. But who would know that?! And why detract from yourselves with a silly in-house reference that nobody will know about?! Honestly.

Poacher update!

Look I was right!

Be a poacher with a gun and everything!

Let's be poachers!

I've just seen an advert for Playmobil Safari. How lovely, you think, toy giraffes and elephants, and little jeeps to play with. Oh yes, and also poachers which you have to protect the animals from! I'm all for not hiding the bad things in the world from your kids when they are old enough to understand, but really, I think 5 years old is a bit young to be having lessons in how animals are illegally killed. What do you say when your kid says "mum, what's a poacher?"?! I just hope in these politically correct days of having to cover the viewpoint of everyone concerned to avoid being sued, you don't also get the option to play at being a poacher and get toy antelope heads to stick on your wall, and elephant feet to put your umbrellas in...

In broad daylight

The other day we saw two men breaking down a door on an empty house, and they didn't look like the owners. The next day two transit vans pulled up full of furniture and about twelve people moved in! The neighbours must be so happy. And when did squatting stop being done in the dead of night when nobody can see them?!

Genetics

On a discussion of what colour eyes baby babs is likely to have, someone who isn't actually related to him said "oh he will definitely have my eyes" - in all seriousness. What can you say to that?! Apart from "you are not related to me you idiot!!!"...sigh.

Cricket

Hubby has been updating me on the cricket scores all day. Now not only do I not understand anything about cricket, I also do not care. On his latest update I said "which bit of I don't like or care about cricket don't you understand?" The updates are still coming...

Wicked stepmothers

One of the most stupid things my relative said this weekend?

"The baby won't eat that. It hasn't got any meat in it"

!!!!

Eurovision

Once again my prediction that the Eurovision would never again rise to the heights of Lordi 2006 came true. Oh Terry, how we miss you! The "highlights" of 2010 Eurovision?

The colour blue. Apparently blue was the theme this year, lots of blue gloves, blue outfits, blue eyeshadow...

Death. Israel and the Ukraine both submitted cheery little numbers about impending apocalypse, death, death to the world, etc. etc.

Copycats. We had Leo Sayer, Aqua, Bonnie Tyler, Linkin Park, Goldfrapp, Jordan, 2 Unlimited, Lily Allen (who won), and Sting. Who knew they were all such Eurovision fans?!

We do a score chart to help us remember who is who. My favourite comments for this year are "drunk and maudlin" (Russia), "breasty" (Armenia), "suicidal" (Israel), "Sting" (Denmark), "piano and catsuit" (Romania).

And as for the UK? We chose a 19 year old Essex boy to impersonate Rick Astley circa 1985. Came last. Quite a feat compared to some of the other entrants really.

Sigh

You know you've had a fairly typical Bank Holiday weekend when you were THIS close to telling a fairly close relative to "just shut the fuck up!!!"

But luckily for me, my inner librarian (and bat-eared son) stopped me actually saying it.

Oh if only looks could kill...

Scary green stuff

I got Littl'Uns paddling pool out yesterday as it is so blooming hot. Last year it never really got hot enough to use it (and I was pregnant so refusing to do silly things like spending ages sorting a paddling pool out!) so it was like he'd never been in one before. He was loving it, getting in and out, running round the lawn, getting back in again. Then...

"MUM!! MUUUUMMMMM!"

"What?" (in panic stricken voice clearly thinking he had broken his arm or something from the racket)

"There's GREEN STUFF in here!!! AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

"That will be grass"

"Oh".

Don't you just love it...

...when you happen upon someone you know vaguely who is a bit up themselves and likes to tell everyone how great they are just as they are going into a weightwatchers class, and they are clearly horrified they bumped into you :)

(For the record, I wasn't going there too, I was dropping littl'un off at school which is upstairs!)

The wisdom of children...

Littl'un announced the other day:

"We are all going to go bald and then we will die"

Well I hope he's wrong about the bald bit! Where do they pick these things up from?!

Blogtastic

I've written more blog posts this year than I did in the whole of last year! Ye gads, I must actually be getting more time to myself, and actually finding things to blog about. Or just getting more banal in my subject matter, who knows?!

F***ing kids!

Now I don't swear a lot, but sometimes littl'un riles me to here and back and the odd oath slips out. Then he started saying it too, which was BAAD! So we told him it was a bad word and not to say it anymore. So now, if I accidentally swear when he's in earshot he comes up to me and smugly says "Mummy, now you know you aren't supposed to say that!".

35 years old and I can't even bloody swear in my own house! Even if he's at the other end of the garden his bat ears pick up everything, and within seconds he is telling me off!

Balls! Poppycock!!

An Ebay rant

I recently started selling on Ebay - mainly to make a bit of cash and get rid of my outgrown baby clothes and maternity stuff. I was doing ok, not starting bidding wars like I had hoped, but not bad! Then some stupid woman bought a top that I loved and didn't want to give up really. Then she told me it was unwearable and demanded a refund. I said I disagreed and that I would never sell anything that was unwearable. She reported me to Ebay and I had to agree to her demands! But the stupid woman will be out of pocket as she has to pay to return it to me before I refund her, and I'm not paying that postage, and the best bit? All this trouble and she got the top for £1.75.

People! And when I get it back and prove there was nothing wrong with it for a USED top I will be reporting her to Ebay! Grr.

And another random stupid thing about Ebay? People pay more for used items than they would be if they actually buy them NEW! How stupid is that?! I was watching a book and a game that I wanted, and they both went for lots more than the online price on Play or Amazon - and they do free delivery! Some people are just so weird.

Or maybe it's me?

Now I feel old...

I caught some of that "I'm in a rock and roll band" on bbc2 over the weekend. It's a really good series looking at the different members of bands and showing loads of cool clips and interviews from Rock Gods like Dave Grohl and Shirley Manson. But they kept showing videos that I remembered the first time round and then saying "oh this was 10 years ago" or "15 years ago" and I had to actually think back and realise that they were right! I was at university or just starting work and though it doesn't seem that long ago to me, it bloody well is! God I feel old now. And why don't I go to gigs or buy cds anymore? Kids that's what! It's only a small step to me starting to moan about the "noise" the kids these days are listening to. Then it will be all over...

Tuesday night round Liz's

Picture the scene: The Queen on Tuesday night. Sitting down with a nice cocoa to watch the soaps in her dressing gown and slippers (she is a pensioner you know!). Then there is a phone call:

Underling: "Maam, Gordon Brown to see you"
Queen: "Oh bloody hell, I've got my curlers in! Can't it wait?"
Underling: "Erm no, he wants to resign"
Queen: "Now?! Eastenders is on in a minute! Oh alright then, give me a minute to put my teeth back in"

30 minutes later:

Underling: "Maam...?"
Queen: "WHAT?! What is it now? My baths running!"
Underling: "Erm, David Cameron wants to see you now"
Queen: "!!!!!!!!!"

Funny vicars!

I have to pay homage to the vicar of the local fete we went to at the weekend. Not only was he clearly very eccentric in his approach to parking for the fete - it mainly went along the lines of "let people park wherever, watch them get all their stuff and kids out of the car, then ask them to move it" - the brochure they produced had the funniest jokes in it! Some a bit risque for a vicar, so I reproduce the best ones here:

Q: What's a teddy bear's favourite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

I went to the doctors and said "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

I went to the chemist and said "Can you make something up for me?
He said "Kate Winslet was in here this morning"
I said "Really?"
"No," he said, "I made it up".

If a rabbit goes to a party dressed as a cake, would he be a cream bun?

And now to the Inappropriate gags for a church fete section:

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. (Not really funny but highly inappropriate for a church fete!)

Do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? (see above!)

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? (and again!)

And the one that made me scratch my head for AGES:

There was a power cut at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. (Think about it!)

Titanic re-enactment in the library!

And in a poor planning idea for a library, but an hilarious episode, in the kiddies library which used to be a separate room and thus soundproofed for everyone else, they have now incorporated it into the main library. And built a tree house in it, with beanbags. Great idea, but Littl'Un excitedly leapt up the stairs of the house, stood right at the top with his arms wide and shouted at the top of his voice: "I'm the king of the world!!". My librarian genes were appalled but it was really quite funny and they obviously don't expect to keep the library quiet - especially by the amount of people using mobiles at the same time. But as Littl'Un hasn't actually seen Titanic - far too young to see Kate Winslet's naughties if you ask me - I don't know where he got that from!

They SO need me!

Well after my initial excitement at the new library, things were swiftly back to normal. When I returned some books last week, two of them weren't recognised by the Robot Librarian so the proper one said "oh I'll take them back to my desk and sort them out". And promptly didn't as they were still on Littl'uns' ticket three days later when I checked our records. Hence another visit yesterday to find said books and get them actually returned rather than just put back on the shelves, luckily my librarian book finding skills have yet to desert me. So that was sorted. Then Littl'un picked some more books to take out and we used the Robot Librarian which is still very exciting! But one book wouldn't issue. So we went off to the Real Librarian and guess what? - it was only issued to someone else!! Honestly. When I am baby free and need a job I am taking over that place and kicking them into touch! Just watch me.

Politics for the cynical.

I have no idea who to vote for on Thursday. It is difficult. I look at the promises they all make, then shrug and think "I don't believe a word any of them say". Which makes it hard to choose between them. So what criteria can a cynical voter use? So far I've got: the charisma/lack of of the top bod; who promises to cut my money the least (though I still don't believe them); who has the best mottos/ads; which colour I like best; who has the best first name; have they got pets; their wife/partners fashion sense/lack of.

All very well thought out sensible criteria for such an important decision don't you think?

Library excitement

Yes really. I went to the newly refurbished libray yesterday and was super excited to discover the self issue and return machine. Seeing as the actual librarians are incapable of issuing or returning books properly, I have high hopes for the robotic librarian. And the Luddite in me is screaming at me to repent, but really, the librarians there are rubbish! It gives them more time for gossiping anyway, well until the machine gives up which is pretty inevitable...

Politicians

I went into Romford today. The first thing I saw was a big BNP stand giving away flags and balloons with the George cross on them - a clear policy to attract children who love balloons and flags, and so get some free publicity. As Lady Librarian said, I wonder where the balloons and flags were actually made - I bet they weren't Made in England!

Rar!

Cyclists of Essex. If you decide to ride hell for leather down a subway where bikes are clearly not allowed (cleverly demonstrated by the big red signs at either end) do not be surprised if you get a mouthful when almost running over a buggy and small child. People are not expecting you to come up behind them at speed, and so will not handily move over for you and pick up small children to avoid them being run over. And you will not win the argument. So there.

This one clearly isn't on commission...

"I just received your renewal quote for breakdown cover. You want £45. It is £28 online and your rival also charges £28"

"We can't match that, I can bring it down to £30.21 though"

"How random. Just for that I am going to your competitor instead"

"Ok"

And I will always love your money...

I just saw a clip of old Whitney in concert on the news. Jesus. Who on earth could say she was "brilliant" as one lady leaving the gig said?! And which money making underling decided she was fit to do concerts? My sister-in-law is going to one of her gigs and it weren't cheap. I would demand my money back and compensation if I had to sit through that, but then I would have if she was on form, The Darkness she ain't :)

Skips

I have noticed a new phenomenon recently. Skips. Back in the day, you hired a skip, and then spent every night paranoid that someone was going to fill it with all their crap, so you'd put a tarp on it, and hopefully fill it to the brim before the cover of darkness brought out the cheeky neighbours and their broken lawnmowers. But no more. Our neighbour has a skip, and literally every new day brings yet another transit van and someone fishing through the contents for things to take. The skip started out full and is half empty now, the good stuff is long gone but people keep looking! I might ask her if I can stick our broken crap in it now she has room, it definitely wouldn't stay in there long! There must be money in cruising round examining skips the amount of people doing it, I might stick the kids in the car and go on a forage myself :)

Cookery for glamour pusses...

I've been watching the new Sophie Dahl cookery program and it is the most bizarre thing. You find yourself watching it but after about five minutes you realise you have absolutely no idea what she is cooking but her kitchen is beautiful, she is wearing a lovely frock, and everything she cooks looks lovely! It's like food porn. I spent ages wishing I had her kitchen, then I realised it must be a studio - I always get fooled, I thought Nigella actually let a film crew in her house for ages, but Sophie's "kitchen" is much nicer, kooky pots and pans, little antiques, she uses antique looking cups to beat her eggs in...and apparently she stuffs her face with shepherds pies and cakes and stays very thin and glamorous too. I want her life! And Delia and Nigella must be kicking themselves!

Who? What?

A sign that me and Mr Babs are SO out of it these days. We have been watching American Idol, but thanks to the miracle of recordable tv we have been fastforwarding all the ads and the rubbish bits (ie most of it!). I pressed play just when things were looking interesting to hear Ryan Seacrest announce "and here is a world premiere, we are so privileged blah blah blah ... it's Diddy Dirty Money!!!"

Me and Mr Babs looked at each other, I said "I've never heard of Diddy Dirty Money, must be a new band" and we both looked on in bemusement for about 2 minutes until we realised it was actually one time Puff Daddy, then Puff Diddy, then P Diddy, and now apparently just Diddy and the song was called Dirty Money!

Doh!

And then...

I told Littl'un to stop jumping off the sofa today, he'd hurt himself. He did as he was told, got down off the sofa but then he planted his feet down, put his hands on his hips, and said "oh for fuck's sake!" and looked really aggrieved. Whilst trying not to laugh I told him he shouldn't talk like that and tried to change the subject.

I just hope he doesn't come out with that at school! And I have no idea where he picked that fruity phrase up from! We must have passed some navvies one day in Sainsburys...

All righty then...

Littl'un was playing with his cousin today. We weren't really paying that much attention to them, two 3 year olds playing together. Then we heard them giving each other pretend beers and then driving in pretend cars.

"You shouldn't drink and drive" someone told them.

"We're not drinking beer, we're smoking!" announced the cousin.

Oh that's alright then...

The story of Easter

as told to a bunch of 3 year olds at pre-school by a mad woman...

"Jesus was a lovely man. But he liked to tell people what they should do. So all his enemies decided he should DIE! That's it, pull sad faces everyone! Have a palm cross and a chicken!"

Don't have nightmares son...

Sitting waiting wishing

Yesterday I had to wait in all afternoon for the tv man. If you aren't in when they come, they immediately whack a £10 charge on your account. So of course we were in. They didn't bother to show up. When I phoned them I was told "oh it turns out your problem is affecting loads of people in your area and we will be sending a fix to the boxes soon, and we cancelled the engineer". "So you couldn't have phoned me to tell me not to stay in all afternoon with 2 small children?" "Erm, I suppose we should have".

!!!!!

I've seen it all now!

So opposite our local primary school there is an Iceland. I was there just before it opened yesterday to get yet some more hot cross buns for Baby Babs #1 (he will look like one soon). Anyways, amongst the people also waiting for it to open was a woman who was unremarkable apart from the fact that she was wearing her pyjamas and slippers. Honestly. She must have got out of bed, dropped her kids off at school, gone to Iceland, and then gone back to bed. And they weren't even just sloppy pants you wear round the house, which she would have got away with, they were clearly pink and flanelette. Lazy cow! What kind of example is she to her kids?! Some Tesco stores have banned people going in wearing their pyjamas (and skimpy vest wearing/topless men, and penguin suits) (not really, I was lying about the penguin suits) - so she was obviously limited in her choice of shop. How long does it take to throw on a pair of trousers? She could have left her pyjama top on under her coat - I suppose at least she wasn't wearing her dressing gown too...

The perils of being in charge!

Oh the pitfalls of being a mother. Baby Babs #1 is getting very bossy recently, and he loves going over to his aunty's house, I think he loves it more than being at home. I would too, he gets spoilt, to do what he wants, and never gets told off! Unlike being at home. So the other day he was supposed to go over there, but events got in the way and he couldn't go. I explained what had happened, said I was sorry but I couldn't do anything about it, and the reaction? A 3 year old in a mega sulk followed by "I don't love you anymore mummy". !!! Oh the heartbreak!! Evil little sod! But thankfully half an hour later he reconsidered and told me he still loved me really! Honestly. Whenever I have to tell him off I can see his brain thinking "you're no fun, I'd rather go and see my aunt". Whoever said parents can't be friends to their kids too was right, but it is hard work sometimes!

Neurotic mothers...

I was going through some old photos of Baby Babs #1 when he was the same age Baby Babs #2 is now. And I am sure #1 smiled alot more than #2 does. Why? What am I doing differently? Is #2 feeling neglected as I have to look after #1 too?! Or is he just genetically more miserable, more like his father?!

There's a flaw in the plan somewhere...

So we have one of those fancy tv boxes where you can record programs and watch them at your leisure. It's totally improved my life, I love it, all the series we watch are recorded automatically and you can fastforward through all the adverts, it's a marvellous invention. But recently it's gone a bit loco. So the engineer came out to look at it. "You need a new box" he says. "But what about all the programs I've recorded?" say I. "You will lose them" says the man. Right.

So they invent these fancy boxes and can't transfer the programs over if necessary? We are going to have to watch all our programs and then call them back again to replace the box. Hurray.

Dead/idiot celebs

Is there any male celebrity/sports star who hasn't had numerous affairs? So far this year there's been Tiger Woods, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Vernon Kay and now little Mark Owen from Take That! I don't know how he got away with it what with all the obsessive Take That fans stalking him. But what is it with these men? Is it that once you have everything - big house, money, cars, girlfriend/wife and/or kids - life gets dull and you have to fill it with how much you can get away with? Is it like cat and mouse with the tabloids?!

And if they aren't all having lurid affairs, they are all dying young by being stupid or careless . Step forward Kristian Digby, Corey Haim, Heath Ledger...

They might as well just report celebs who die old of natural causes, have blissfully happy marriages, and no scandal at all. But where would be the fun in that?!

Blog interview

If you're interested, there's a bit more about me here:

http://bloginterviewer.com/music/ohh-dont-get-me-started-bookish-barbara

Oh and the irony, me an aspiring proofreader and they spell my link wrong! It's OOH not OHH - it makes a difference you know :)

I give up!

So in the news today they say the government are thinking about making it compulsory for dog owners to take out insurance in case their dog attacks someone. This is mental. Not only is it penalising everyone for the small minority of idiots who have dangerous dogs or who use them for intimidating people, it is also possibly the stupidest idea I've heard in a long time. We don't have a dog, but Mr Babs and now Baby Babs are quite keen and all we need is more expense related to owning a pet. And like in the world of car insurance, the ones who are dangerous, idiots, morons, or worse are exactly the ones who won't bother to get any insurance. So what exactly is the point?! Surely it is up to the police/rspca to deal with stupid people with pets. In exactly the same way it is up to the police to deal with people with knives or guns. They aren't suggesting that when people go to buy kitchen knives they have to take out insurance just in case they decide to stab someone with it are they?!

Honestly.

Bad influence

Littl'un was playing imaginary train journeys at the weekend, he got on the train (beanbag) and I asked him where he was going?

"Only the bookies" he said gleefully.

I really hope he doesn't come out with this at school! Imagine the shame. It's all his father's fault.

Men!

Hubby is famously unsociable and it is more than my patience is worth to try and force him to do anything anymore, hence we have no social life. Yesterday my friend asked us to meet her for a coffee in town, only a coffee, not a dinner dance or a weekend in a cottage in the Yorkshire Dales. Typically he refused. So we went anyway. It was super lovely, and when I got back he had hoovered the entire house! Result. I forgot this happens, he refuses to do something that might be a teeny bit fun, I go and do it anyway, and the minute we are gone he feels guilty and tries to make up with housework. I'm doing this every weekend now, even if it's an imaginary friend I'm having coffee with (we can meet up with littl'uns ghost next week) :)

Kids!

Littl'un was upstairs having a wee. I heard him talking animatedly and then saying "bye bye! bye bye!".

When he came downstairs I asked him who he was talking to?

"Only the ghost," he chirped. And I believe he was!

Then this morning when he was still asleep he said "I don't want to tidy up!". Do you think I have been emphasising this point somewhat in the daytime?!? He's dreaming about being told off! No wonder he has befriended the local ghosts!

Save 6 Music!

How can the Beeb even consider closing down 6 Music?

It is the only radio station on the planet that regularly plays Shed Seven and for that alone it should be saved!

Keep my big mouth shut!

So for 3 straight nights, Baby Babs #2 only got me up once in the night. Marvellous ,I thought, this is the life! After the third night, I started telling people "he only woke up once! Isn't it brilliant?". Every night after that he has woken up three times instead. I wish I had kept my big mouth shut., he'd still be only getting up once then instead of taking revenge on my optimistic nature. Crap!

Inside the twisted minds of children...

Littl'un always comes into our bed at some point in the night, and then complains mightily when even littler'un wakes up for a feed and disturbs him. I asked him why he woke up every night, was he cold, was he too hot, was he unwell? He said:

"maybe there was a man in the garden".

The "maybe" freaks me out more than the man in the garden bit! And I am still no wiser...

Ikea circa 1995...

Being a stay at home mum, I catch a lot of daytime tv. I love antique ones like Cash in the Attic, where rich people sell all their heirlooms to pay for helicopter lessons and the like. But programs like this won't be around forever. My generation don't have lofts full of antique vases and bookcases that fetch £2000 at auction. If they ever came round my house it would be a case of "well here we have a fine example of a Billy bookcase from Ikea, and look!, a cd cabinet from the Argos home collection circa spring/summer of 2002!". It is a shame, maybe I will inherit loads of lovely antiques one day, but then my dad hasn't got much in the line of aged furniture either...unless you count his DFS sofa from the 90s :)

Out of the mouths of babes...

The other day we were on a mini road trip to visit an old friend. As we came over the brow of a hill, you could suddenly see for miles over fields. Littl'un in the back seat piped up in a voice full of awe "I can see the WHOLE WORLD from here!!!." Bless!

Then today we were taking the mickey out of him, he didn't know what to play with and I was listing all his toys. It went along the lines of "play with your cars" "no" "play with your farm" "no" so I tried "play with your willy". Littl'un laughed uproariously at this and said "my willy isn't a toy!!" and proceeded to wet himself laughing at the very idea. A brief look at his father confirmed he was thinking "yes it is son, yes it is..."

Obsessive children

If I have to watch one more episode of Scooby Doo I think I will scream! Why do children obsess about things? It was Peppa Pig for ages, then Thomas, then Spongebob. Now it is Scooby Doo and the Simpsons. Constantly. Perhaps I should be radical and actually turn the tv off! But then I would have to entertain said obsessive child and I am a terrible mother at times, especially when the new born hasn't slept much at night! Oh I feel guilty now...

Misheard lyrics

I barely get to listen to music anymore, mainly in the shower, which explains my recent lyrical confusion...

So I'm loving the new Courteeners song which is being played alot on Xfm. I loved it even more as the chorus seemed to go: "You own a tanktop, you own a tanktop, you own a tanktop". I was convinced it was written about male librarians and was super excited that someone had decided to write a song about them! Then I saw the video on tv.

It turns out the song is called "You overdid it doll" and that is what is being sung, albeit quite quickly, and in a Mancunian accent.

It somewhat spoiled my enjoyment of the track. I am an idiot. Who would write a song to male librarians? Apart from perhaps Morrissey...

Tattoos

So I want to get the boys' names tattooed on me. But where? It is hard to think of a suitable spot. Their Dad has just had his done on his upper arm, but I want one I can see most of the time. Which rules out my arse :) I was thinking of having them on my wrist, but a quick google of images put me off, half of them look like they are trying to hide razor scars which isn't the look I am going for. Someone I know has them on her shin, but then I am not sure about that either. I could do a "love/hate" type tattoo on my knuckles, then I can slap the boys with the hand with their name on (joke Mr Social Services!) - oh it is difficult. Maybe I'll go totally rock and have them on my neck, then when I do go back to work everyone will think I am trouble!

Well technically I can't argue with you...

So my 3 year old's pre-school sent a letter home asking us to practise counting forwards and backwards, and rhyming words together. "This looks easy", I think, and proceed to do some rhyming with the boy.

Me: "What rhymes with 'frog'?"
Boy: "???"
Me: "What SOUNDS like 'frog'?"
Boy: "Ribbit"
Me: "!!!!" (thinking, well I can't argue with that, he is right really)

Help!

Tomorrow is our 5th wedding anniversary. We are going out for a meal, the first time we have been out sans children since last year's anniversary.

What the hell will we talk about??!

I want to staaaaayyyyyyyy!!!

Yesterday while handing a form in for son #1 at what will hopefully be his new school come September, he went loco. He thought he was starting already, tried to get into a classroom and screamed the place down refusing to leave! The secretary looked bemused and said "they usually scream when they are left here, not because they want to stay!". I hope they didn't note his name down as potential trouble as I dragged him out of the school looking like the world's worst mother...

Books? What are they?

While dropping son #1 off at pre-school last week this happened. My librarian genes are still in shock...

To set the scene, a mum & little girl walk in, girl is holding an umbrella. Other people there include a hippy dad, who is a proper hippy and very clever. The mum says to everyone that she wonders why the girl insists on having the umbrella up as it isn't raining. Hippy dad starts quoting from the Winnie the Pooh scene where Pooh has an umbrella. All the mums look blankly at him. He says hopefully: "Winnie the Pooh?" to which the mum says; "oh, I must have missed that episode".

He bleakly says "it is a book."

To which the mums go back to their discussions about boob jobs and chianti. Poor poor man.

Babies

So baby #2 arrived almost a month ago and it is so weird how different he is to his brother! He eats, then he sleeps, and that is about it. He only cries when his bum is changed or when he is hungry, and then he is fine. Me and Mr Babs keep thinking something is wrong, baby #1 cried a LOT of the time and we spent every night trying to get him to sleep (mostly unsuccessfully) for months. New littl'un gets fed and then goes to sleep no problems. It is either that we are a bit calmer having been there before and so the baby is calm, or baby #1 really wasn't very happy. Either way, it is nice to have it this way round, I would hate to have a lovely calm baby first then one from hell! And it makes me pleased that we actually braved having another one facing a repeat of what we went through the first time...

Though saying that, baby (well toddler) #1 is now a lovely happy little boy (most of the time) so I bet by the time #2 is his age he will have done a total about face and turned into real trouble!!