Saturday, February 28, 2009


Conversation with a new mother who turned up to a baby group one week:

New mother: "Eeer! This is me latest, Jade-Britney, she's only 8 days old!"
Me: "Ooh, lovely. Isn't she small?"
NM: "Yeah! Me other kids are over there, there's Justin on the tractor and Christina is asleep in the buggy. Oh an' Madonna-Mariah is at school."
Me: "You're brave coming out so soon after the birth."
NM: "No problem, she just popped out, innit, like the others, I told the doctors she would just pop out and they didn't believe me but she did. Just popped out. Hit her bleedin' head on the floor."
Me: "?!?!?"
NM: "See my finger! I cut it right open making a stew. Look at it!"
Me: "Cooking already? You are good!"
NM: "Yeah well with all me kids someone has to feed 'em! Me other 'alf ain't bovvered, he's down the pub usually, but look at me finger!"
Me: "Ooohhh!" (in head: "someone please help me!")
NM: "Do you wanna hold her a minute while I sort me shit out?"
Me: "Umm, of course!"
NM: "Righto. Ta very much. JUSTIN!! Get yer coat on, we're leavin'!!!"
Me: (Thank god!) "Umm, bye then!"

Dead letters

Talking of our resident ghost, this christmas we had a cheery card addressed to the couple who lived here from "Sue and Jim" who "hoped they were still going strong!". And left a return address. So I felt obliged to write and tell them they were dead. It was a very difficult letter to write. Never mind the fact that we have lived here for the past 4 years and this is the first year "Sue and Jim" thought to inquire into their friends' wellbeing, I didn't know how close they were and how they would take the news. So I politely informed them that their friends had passed away several years ago, and then made some half-hearted comments about them obviously being lovely people and I hoped they weren't too upset by my news. I have heard nothing back, I wish they would at least acknowledge my letter so I don't spent years torn up with guilt at being the evil person who told them their friends had carked it. Though I did use a second class stamp so it probably hasn't got there yet...

Ghost teacher?!

Baby Babs is coming along in leaps and bounds. He can talk for England now, despite only just turning two. We went to yet another birthday party today with lots of other two year olds, and it struck me just how far advanced he seemed all of a sudden. None of the other kids are talking, he can have full blown conversations now, and most of them had dummies and refused to leave their parents' side. Baby Babs was everywhere, he loved it, I hated chasing him round, but I do applaud his independent spirit. He doesn't give a monkeys if he can't see me and runs off blithely oblivious to the horrors that could await him.

But what is getting me is the words he comes out with. I know I teach him ridiculous words like "coconut". But I don't remember "tortoise" and teaching him the difference between "dark and light", "up and down" and "cold and hot". I think our ghost is back, obviously a primary school teacher back in the day, and Baby Babs is having lessons I know nothing about.

Yesterday I asked him what we should plant in our newly created veg patch, and he thought very carefully and said "daddy's beers". Now if he could just invent a Fosters plant we would be made for life. And I wouldn't put it past him...

Eggs in yer face

I opened the curtains this morning to find that some kindly soul had come round in the middle of the night and thrown eggs at my newly cleaned windows. Bastards. Not only does our window cleaner only come once in a blue moon, but it was sufficiently cold last night to make the egg freeze like super glue to my windows, I had to resort to a scouring pad to get it off, praying it didn't scratch the glass. It has unsettled me somewhat, I switch between thinking they were stupid kids and it was a random attack to "oh my god! we have somehow really upset someone so much that they sneak round in the dark to egg us!!". I won't sleep tonight.

And how expensive are eggs these days?! And who goes round late at night with eggs in their pockets?! Bloody essex teenagers that's who. Bastards.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

On supermarkets

Recently I have noticed a trend in supermarkets. Those staff who do the shopping for the online orders are taking over the shops and leaving no room for normal customers. Last week I was trying to get to the butter only to find the entire aisle blockaded by staff restocking the cheese on one side and a woman with a massive trolley of online orders on the other. And I politely stood there till they moved!! Idiot. When did the normal in-store shoppers become mere irritations to the running of the shop? I thought they did most of the online orders when the shop itself was closed, but apparently not. And the days of restocking shelves at 3am seem to be long gone. It makes me so mad but it isn't limited to just one supermarket so I find it wherever I go. Next time I get blockaded I'm going to shove their massive trolleys out of the way or demand to see the manager. It's time for action people.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Speaking of cocktails, Justin Hawkins has a new album out with his band Hot Leg. I listened to a bit of it online and it's bleedin' brilliant!! Not quite the dizzy heights of the Darkness but not far off. The highlight was a song called Cocktail. The chorus goes "cock cock cock cock cocktail".

Absolute genius.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Mutant fruit

Baby Babs vocabulary is expanding massively and the other day we were going through one of his picture books for the nth time and I tried him on "coconut". He said it really well and I was so proud. Then I tried "pineapple". After frowning for a bit and really concentrating he came up with "applenutnut". That is the best word I have heard for years, and if only I could mix a pineapple and a coconut I would be famous! It would save so much time making cocktails :-)

Friday, February 13, 2009

The best pop video ever?!

I recently saw Coldplay's video for Life in technicolour ii and it is bloody brilliant! With no Top of the Pops (RIP) anymore most new videos pass me by, but you can watch videos on our cable for free and after I got tired of Bob the Builder doing "Big Fish Little Fish" (cardboard box!) I looked at a few cooler ones. If you haven't seen it, you are missing a brilliant puppet show extravaganza! And it's totally changed my opinion of Coldplay, I used to think "oh god it's Coldplay" whenever they turned up on the radio or tv, but now the video has messed my head up! I am quite sure Coldplay themselves didn't come up with the idea or execute any of it (apart from the song which is also not bad surprisingly) but hey. They put their name to it! Nobody puts any effort into videos anymore, so top marks from me!

I am not being paid by Coldplay for this btw! I can also highly recommend Morrissey's new one, ooh I love Mozza. Oh and that beardy bloke from Elbow...