Saturday, August 30, 2008

The other half...

I was invited for coffee to the house of a mum I know. She is part of a group that are always doing expensive day out type things and I always cry off for lack of funds, but I thought I could manage going to her house for once. For one thing, Baby Babs loved playing with the other kids, and for another we all got to moan about our other halves. Anyway, I knew this lady had a lovely big house having been there once before, but when I got there this time she said all matter of factly; "Oh I'd get you a cup of tea but my cleaner's in at the moment, I'll have to wait until she's finished". I was half expecting her then to say; "and my butler doesn't start till 10" but she didn't. Then she confided that the cleaner was her husband's ex-wife, and she had employed her for 6 months before he found out!! What a ploy!! And she does her ironing. I am going so wrong somewhere...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Awkward situations...

...getting stuck at a party with a skanky married woman who your husband had a fling with years ago when he was too young to know any better and hadn't met you yet. You know about it, she doesn't know you know. She is super super friendly and confides all kinds of shit to you, then hits on the bright idea of having you over for coffee. Great. Thankfully she is so drunk she hopefully won't remember...and all your brain can do is think "I really don't like you, please leave me alone" and also "why is your face so hairy??!!". Mixed with "I know you are only talking to me to try to get to my husband but that ain't happening hairy lady!".

And where was my guilty husband? Hiding at the back of the party and not making any attempt to rescue me. Any other woman would have said something or made vague excuses and legged it. Not me, oh no, I took her phone number and promised to call. I am SO weak and pathetic, I had no intention of phoning but I didn't want to upset her. She's probably waiting by the phone as we speak...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Call the AA

We have family down this week, just in the evenings as they are doing other stuff in the day. And it seems I am funding one person's alcohol problem. Back in the day, one bottle of wine between two would certainly not be enough, but these days I can make a bottle last for three evenings at the weekend! Anyway, last night we had a bottle and a half of wine in the fridge, I was on my first glass and watched my drinking companion neck three glasses within half an hour, then polish off most of the rest of it leaving me a paltry second glass. Then as there was no booze left, they went home. I wouldn't mind if they had actually brought some wine round to drink! And I have a conundrum this evening. Am I tight and just buy one more bottle to last the evening knowing that I won't see much of it or buy two?! Damnit, they have blown my weekly budget to shreds as it is, I'm buying one of those mini bottles you can get and see how they like that!

Children's television

A strange phenomenon has taken over children's television. It seems to have been taken over by scottish people. Not that that is a bad thing, there just seems to be an abundance of cheery scots trying to amuse Baby Babs at the moment. Why is this?
a) it's cheaper to film and produce kiddie tv oop north?
b) the scots are all super lovely, cheery and funny and love nothing more than acting up for a camera?
c) all the plummy accented brits are flouncing about trying to get into "serious" acting and find children's tv beneath them?
d) all the up and coming northern actors are in Hollyoaks? (Saying that, a girl who was in Barnaby the Bear has now made the transition into "moody goth" in Hollyoaks, what a career move!)
e) kiddie shrinks have discovered that babies respond better to accents? And they are currently producing a new version of Noddy set in Birmingham?
f) I have uncovered a sinister attempt to take over the world by firstly dominating kiddie's tv to make us all speak scottish? It makes sense since Scotland made their bid for independence, it's a stealth invasion, bring on the whiskey!

Hmm, answers on a postcard please...

(PS Before any scots or indeed brums get the hump, I'm from oop north too and not slagging you off!)

Sunday, August 10, 2008


I painted my nails the other day, I haven't done it for months and it was a small step to taking my life back from constantly looking after other people and neglecting myself. But in the end it caused more trouble than it was worth. All the family commented on it with "ooh, where are you going?" and "are you really bored at home?" type remarks. I just smiled and said nothing while inside I was raging "OF COURSE I AM NOT GOING OUT AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT BORED, I NEVER GET A MINUTE TO MYSELF! I JUST WANTED TO PAINT MY NAILS AND FEEL A BIT GIRLY!!!!"

And it was chipped within the hour.


Peace at last...

When you have spent the last 4 hours wrestling 3 young children who seem to want to fight constantly, the ones that weren't yours have gone home, yours is asleep, and you have a BIG glass of wine. Then you appreciate peace.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Lessons in being a bad mother

This week I have mainly been having lessons in being a bad mother. From confiscating cars that were flying round the room, to not letting Baby Babs sit on my knee after he smacked me in the face, to feeding him chicken nuggets instead of healthy nutritious fare. But the biggest lesson was a trip to a kids indoor play area thingymybob that Baby Babs' cousins go to quite a lot. We haven't been before but agreed to go along. It's all enclosed and they can't get lost or wander off so it was quite good really. And Baby Babs LOVED it, he ran round screaming and laughing and playing with the other kids. It was only some tunnels and padded play areas, but it was baby heaven to him. As I sat there watching him I thought "it's no surprise he's been throwing cars at the tv and hitting me, he's been bored out of his mind for the last 18 months". 18 months and never taken to a kiddie play place. BAD MOTHER! But saying that, it cost us £8 (!) for the 2 hour session so we won't be going lots! But I must make more of an effort to take him to the park or other places. He must be fed up of watching Homes under the Hammer and Cash in the Attic by now I suppose :-)

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Library babies

So yesterday out of desperation for something to entertain Baby Babs we finally turned up to the library's "read and rhyme" session. I have been meaning to go for ages, it's only 1/2 an hour and free and I was curious to see what type of mum turns up to these gigs. And it was SO different to the baby group with the chav mothers we go to. There was a pretty inept children's librarian alternately reading stories and playing nursery rhymes on a tape deck. She sang so quietly you couldn't hear her and didn't really grab the kids' attention. The session is geared for kids from 0-5, which is a pretty big range to cover, so it was a weird mismatch of books she chose. Baby Babs had had enough by half way through and proceeded to run round the library in circles, he was entertained anyway! The mums were pretty much all chinese which was a bit strange, and one asked me how old my "little girl" was. This would be an easy mistake to make if Baby Babs wasn't the most boyish looking little boy ever, you could never mistake him for a girl!! So turning up for library events does not guarantee brains or common sense it seems. I'm not sure if we'll go again, the only plus is that if we turn up for 5 sessions we get a certificate! If it was a badge we would definitely be there with bells on.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Mmm, bread...

In my quest to become a better cook (there wasn't much to start with, trust me) I decided to make my own bread. Partly due to the RIDICULOUS prices at the moment, it is cheaper to make your own. Anyway, my grandma gave me a fancy food mixer at the weekend and it had a dough hook, so off we went! And it was bloody lovely! Obviously it doesn't last as long as shop bread with all the horrible preservatives and all, but it won't last long anyway! Though this new hobby (muffins last week, bread this week) is at loggerheads with my attempt to lose weight, dammit. Why are all celebrity chefs thin anyway? I don't trust a thin chef, they can't really eat their own food can they?!