Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
You will feel like a big old elephant the next day and you will have had awful dreams due to all that cheese so you will be grumpy too.
A big old grumpy heffalump.
It was Asda.
I kid you not. It was the first shop I saw, and I mainly went in for a cup of tea and a sit down. But I was in there for the whole time, I never got bored, and I had to stop for another tea break half way through. I wonder if it is possible to live in a supermarket for any period of time. I am sure it is. You can buy your food, be entertained by books and stationery, you can even write letters and post them in the store. You can watch DVDs on the big screens in the entertainment section. You can try clothes on for hours, hell you could buy a change of clothes a day. You can eat like a king. You can plan your garden in the gardening section. You can even pull a member of staff if you are so inclined and strike up an unlikely romance in the aisles. You can go on the internet. You can stack shelves if you feel like some exercise.
For a few lonely hours it was paradise. Today Asda, tomorrow Tescos…
Monday, April 10, 2006
1) Inappropriate tales - this may be because I don't get out so much these days, but I have an unfortunate tendency to own up to stupid things I have done. Which is fine if I picked a good time to do it. One sparkly drink in and I was admitting all sorts to bemused looks from the other hens (is the bride to be called the hen and the other girls chicks? Or are we all hens? I don't know so I will refer to us all as hens). For Lady L and Miss S this was usual. For the other hens I've never met before, probably a bit weird and WAY too much information. Ladies I apologise.
2) Insulting men who seem quite nice but have made the mistake of coming to talk to you. I attract weirdos. It's always happened and I'm used to it now. In the pub a nice man called John decided to talk to me. I didn't feel it at the time, but I must have been slightly tipsy. He asked me what I thought of his jumper. I told him he looked like a male prostitute. A bad one. He seemed quite upset but it didn't put him off.
3) Insulting drunk men in nightclubs - more random weirdos turned up in the club. They were waving around pictures of dogs. One of them came up to me with puckered lips and asked what his pulling techniques were like. I said they needed a lot of work.
It's a very good job I don't need to attract men anymore. I seem to have developed the equivalent of turret's syndrome to chat up lines:
"Hello Booky B, you seem nice. How are you?"
"You smell like shit and you look like a tramp"
"Oh. You don't want to go out on a date then?"
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Librarians on hen nights are a different breed. We go to shelf stacking lessons and turn up in twin sets and pearls.