Thursday, December 28, 2006
1. Visit the house of the newly pregnant couple and make it sound like it's going to be great. Promote home births till your eyes bleed (it will become obvious why later)
2. Pregnant lady visits the hospital several times for scans and tests.
3. Pregnant lady then starts to visit midwife every few weeks. Test for blood pressure and stuff that looks appropriate.
4. As D day gets closer pregnant lady may start to ask awkward questions. For example: can I have antenatal classes, or see the hospital before I'm actually screaming obscenities at everyone I see? Answer these as vaguely as you can, for example, "oh we don't bother with antenatal classes here, you don't really need them. And how can we show you the hospital? We don't know where you're going to have the baby yet - the one you have been going to has just been closed down and will soon be luxury flats" (see point 1).
5. Don't bother bringing up the idea of discussing a birth plan with the pregnant lady, it'll all work out in the end.
6. When lady is indeed in labour, pick a hospital out of a hat and send her there. She won't know where to go or what to do, but hey, it's someone else's problem by then. She should have gone for the home birth option.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
I'm getting fed up with it frankly. Unless someone does a song with the name Barbara in it, I'm vetoing the radio. So there.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
The minutes until mummy came back with the wipes were interminable. I was starting to think she wasn't coming back. There was me, stuck with a very smelly bottomed child, a jigsaw that was rapidly losing its appeal, and half of the shop staff discussing whether to call the police or not. When mummy finally showed up again I could have cried, never mind the baby!
That'll teach me to be helpful. Probably.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Group 2: Quietly eating their meal, let's call them Colin and Edith and their kids.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
And I bet they aren't addicted to anything rock. It'll be coffee and fig rolls, or milk, cheese and Gaviscon that are their demons! Or Rennies! They are SO addictive! Rock!!
Friday, August 18, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
They'll be telling me that Hannibal Lector loves puppies and bakes cookies next (hee hee, not puppy cookies I hope!), and that Evil Severus Snape (aka Alan Rickman) visits old people on his time off.
(I think the line between reality and fiction is blurring a little here...)
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
These might be today's favourite.
Friday, July 21, 2006
"Excuse me, but are you expecting? Oh, I didn't know, I just thought you looked chubbier"
Chubbier!!!???? Imagine if I wasn't! The shame!! People, if you ain't sure just don't say anything, it's much safer that way.
(And don't tell the lady's husband that she looks "stout". Stout isn't much better)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Me: Ooh look at that man, he's got something gold and shiny in his ear. What do you think it could be?"
Hubbie (without missing a beat): "He's a robot"
Yes. A robot. He didn't have a fancy hearing aid, or wireless headphones. He was a robot. Men's brains sometimes worry me.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
When me and Mr Barbara start reproducing, I am going to have the whole of the Isle of Wight under my control. Nothing less will do. No Librarians in or out without my written permission.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
What a night. Lady L can't speak from screaming so much, I don't remember leaving, I forgot to vote, I spent most of the night shrieking and it's a wonder I can speak today, Miss S sure put on one hell of a party.
Lordi will now take over the world. Don't be scared.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
In series 1 they at least had some light relief. Isn’t it filmed on Hawaii? Couldn’t Jack Johnson just pop in and play them all some of his happy tunes about his favourite banana daiquiris? It would make as much sense as the plot so far.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
[* Ah yes I remember now, he was supposed to be a comedian but was so unfunny I had forgotten. We knew a few unfunny comedians that summer that's for sure!]
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
You will feel like a big old elephant the next day and you will have had awful dreams due to all that cheese so you will be grumpy too.
A big old grumpy heffalump.
It was Asda.
I kid you not. It was the first shop I saw, and I mainly went in for a cup of tea and a sit down. But I was in there for the whole time, I never got bored, and I had to stop for another tea break half way through. I wonder if it is possible to live in a supermarket for any period of time. I am sure it is. You can buy your food, be entertained by books and stationery, you can even write letters and post them in the store. You can watch DVDs on the big screens in the entertainment section. You can try clothes on for hours, hell you could buy a change of clothes a day. You can eat like a king. You can plan your garden in the gardening section. You can even pull a member of staff if you are so inclined and strike up an unlikely romance in the aisles. You can go on the internet. You can stack shelves if you feel like some exercise.
For a few lonely hours it was paradise. Today Asda, tomorrow Tescos…
Monday, April 10, 2006
1) Inappropriate tales - this may be because I don't get out so much these days, but I have an unfortunate tendency to own up to stupid things I have done. Which is fine if I picked a good time to do it. One sparkly drink in and I was admitting all sorts to bemused looks from the other hens (is the bride to be called the hen and the other girls chicks? Or are we all hens? I don't know so I will refer to us all as hens). For Lady L and Miss S this was usual. For the other hens I've never met before, probably a bit weird and WAY too much information. Ladies I apologise.
2) Insulting men who seem quite nice but have made the mistake of coming to talk to you. I attract weirdos. It's always happened and I'm used to it now. In the pub a nice man called John decided to talk to me. I didn't feel it at the time, but I must have been slightly tipsy. He asked me what I thought of his jumper. I told him he looked like a male prostitute. A bad one. He seemed quite upset but it didn't put him off.
3) Insulting drunk men in nightclubs - more random weirdos turned up in the club. They were waving around pictures of dogs. One of them came up to me with puckered lips and asked what his pulling techniques were like. I said they needed a lot of work.
It's a very good job I don't need to attract men anymore. I seem to have developed the equivalent of turret's syndrome to chat up lines:
"Hello Booky B, you seem nice. How are you?"
"You smell like shit and you look like a tramp"
"Oh. You don't want to go out on a date then?"
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Librarians on hen nights are a different breed. We go to shelf stacking lessons and turn up in twin sets and pearls.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
On the annual trip to the folks last weekend, our train trip reinforced my belief that travelling with strangers should be avoided at all costs. Some lessons my fellow travellers should have learnt:
- If you are going to travel on a Friday, reserve a seat. Don’t look surprised that the train is full to bursting and you don’t have anywhere to sit for the next two hours. And if you decide to plonk your suitcase in the middle of the aisle and sit on it, expect to be made to move regularly by people going to buy booze and then have to visit the toilet lots when they’ve drunk it.
- When waiting for the train (on a Friday) and they call the platform, don’t run like a crazy person dropping all your belongings on the way and looking stupid. There won’t be any available seats.
- When you get on the train and find the right carriage, wait till everyone has got past you before deciding to unpack REALLY slowly and put all your bags around the carriage in random places. And keep your bottom stuck in to avoid sticking it in the face of the poor passenger next to you.
- When you get on the carriage and find someone is sitting in “your” reserved seat, make sure you check what carriage you are supposed to be in before you start an argument. You are guaranteed to be in the wrong carriage, and as far away as you could be from the right one.
- If it is at all possible, upgrade to first class. You get free stuff and loads of room and don’t have to mix with the other idiots travelling with you.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
People of northern England, I apologise. If you want penis shaped vegetables, go to Kwik Save. It’ll be cheaper too. And taste just as lovely.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
So finally the world of literature has attracted one of the greats of our times who wants to tell us all about his life. In 5 books. Over 12 years. For £5 million quid. Who is this doyenne of intellectual thought who will teach us great things and make us question the world we live in? Why, no other than Wayne Rooney. What took you so long Wayne?
I imagine the first volume of the five (what do you call a series of 5 books? A cinquette?) will be something like this:
Monday: “I woke up and brushed me teeth in the special toothpaste that Colleen got me. It’s got seaweed in it and it makes me feel sick. Then I got dressed. Jones our butler had made me favourite brekkie – Lucky Charms and toast with the crusts cut off, I hate crusts. Then I got a call from Sven who wanted to tell me to stop eating so much cereal and start on the body building shakes for the World Cup build up. I don’t like them much but he wants me to be able to knock over those ‘orrible other players who think they can beat me easily”.
Tuesday: “I got up and brushed me teeth. Had a Crème Egg for brekkie, coz Colleen was out already at Lakeside shopping. Had footie training.”