Friday, January 26, 2007

Librarians cut out of Da Vinci Code shocker!

I finally saw the Da Vinci Code last week and I have to say it was a bit of a disappointment. Obviously, the subject matter is quite complicated to get into a film of an hour and a half, so they chose to have a five minute bit in the middle where they just go "yeah, Jesus had a kid right and the Church don't like it much". Ok. But the worst change?! The bit where Tom Hanks visits King's College Library which annoyed me so much the first time round when I read the book? Cut!! Completely cut out of the film! There is a vague mention of having to go to Chelsea Library (which is nowhere near Temple Church incidentally) and the crucial visit to use the library databases is replaced by the French bird using some kid's mobile on the top deck of a bus to do a complex internet search which handily tells them where to go!! It was an abomination!! Insinuating that librarian search skills and library databases can be replaced by a search engine on your mobile?! Honestly. Tom Hanks, I hope you are proud. Offend the nuns if you are brave enough, but librarians?! You are a very very brave man.

Daytime tv

After spending the month of January mainly on the sofa, I can now class myself as a world expert on daytime television. And in a phrase? It sucks. When I was at university we used to spend a lot of our free time in the day watching tv (to avoid writing essays natuarally) and back then it seemed much more interesting. My schedule most days? Well after the first week I dumped the Jeremy Kyle Show for Homes under the Hammer which I do love. Watching people buy houses at auction and then paint them in magnolia holds a strange fascination. Then it's over to This Morning which has been strangely miserable of late, people's dying wishes, post-natal depression, fat people being miserable, thin people being miserable etc etc. Then Loose Women which I HATE but can't switch off. Then the news. Then 60 Minute Makeover which I also hate. Then Daytime Cooks which makes me mad when they say "are you stuck for what to make for tea tonight? Don't worry we've got some great recipes today that you can make later! First - take a live crab ... " Uh huh? I have a whole tankful of crabs in the kitchen just in case I feel like making them for tea. Then it's Countdown just to see what the hell Carol Vorderman is wearing - her dresser must really really hate her that's all I am saying. Then it's Deal or No Deal - yey! The highlight of my day (sad I know) and it does spend too much time nowadays "getting to know" the contestants, who cares?! Not me. They think they are the stars now, when clearly it's still Noel (and Mr Blobby the banker).

And that's my daytime tv fix over. My brain is mush, and I'm off to the kitchen to stun that crab.

Maybe if you don't have any pressing work to do, the lure of daytime tv lessens. There could be a whole PhD in this you know: "This Morning +/- impending deadline = interest level".

Why are there no films on in the afternoon anymore? There isn't even Murder She Wrote. Cable tv has a lot to answer for, even with 600 channels, there still isn't anything on! If Baby Babs doesn't show up soon I'm going to have to find a new hobby, writing to the tv program commissioners might be one!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Animal Idol!

The best bit so far from the new series of American Idol?

"You can't sing, you can't dance, and you look like a monkey"!!

A bushbaby to be exact, poor sod!! He did though.

The biggest difference I can see between the American and English versions of Idol is the confidence of the American kids. They seem to have been brought up by their parents with a hugely misguided belief in their own talents. Now I am all for your parents telling you you are great and to "follow your dreams" but honestly? I would appreciate a little realism check before my parents allowed me to go on national tv in front of millions of people and then get torn to pieces after 16 years or so of thinking I was the best thing EVER!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Miami WHAT?!

Man we made a HUGE mistake last night - we watched the new film version of Miami Vice. Seriously, it is one of the worst films I've ever seen. Not quite on the par of Monster's Ball, but really not far off. After the first 20 minutes I had to ask Mr Barbara if they were talking in code or Vietnamese or something as I hadn't understood a word of it. To save anyone else from the horror of having to watch it - not that I think you discerning types would even consider it but I have a husband who likes films with guns and the possibility of boobs in them - I will summarise the plot for you:

Crockett: "The DCA want the ABC to hunt down the CUD about the HOS"

Tubbs: "The HOS yeah?"

[- both look moody and macho -]

Crockett: "There's a meet and greet at twenty hundred hours at the LDI with the FFI. Gotta go"

Tubbs: [Looks moody and fiddles with a big gun]

[Cut to random sex scene with one of them and girlfriend]

[Intersperse shots of scary Colombian looking men with guns and drugs, shots of driving fast on freeways in fast cars, change to fast boat scene, insert glamorous bad girl who falls for one of the cops - more sex - lots more moody looking shots - big fight scene. All bad guys die. Bad girl goes off into the sunset. Make sure script is peppered with lots of random letters and sentences. If no words, replace with moody look and gun. The end]

Friday, January 12, 2007

Bloody doctors receptionists...

I've only got 2 weeks to go (allegedly) on Sunday before Baby Babs turns up, quite scary. Yesterday I saw the midwife who had to take my blood pressure 5 times (FIVE TIMES!!) before she was happy with it! But then she decided it all seems fine. But then there was a stupid farcical moment as she wanted to see me in 2 weeks - I thought it would be every week by now but oh no - but then she remembered she is on holiday. So she took me to reception and said could I have an appointment with a doctor instead considering the circumstances - queue a huge receptionists' debate - "oh she can't have an appointment in TWO weeks! How about 5?" - to which I was stood there pointing at my HUGE stomach and saying "that might be a little late actually". Then she said "well you'll have to come in at 8am and try and get an appointment on the day" to which I pointed to my stomach again and said "I ain't walking down here twice a day". Then they tried the other antenatal clinic that runs on a Tuesday "ooh that is full actually". Then they finally agreed they could fit me in to that clinic!! I wouldn't mind but it's not like I have a choice in the matter, and if the midwife was on holiday they should have thought about that earlier shouldn't they?! Obviously my blood pressure was just great by then!! Bl**dy doctors.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Who needs a doctor?

In one of the Sunday papers they do a self diagnosis chart for various illnesses. The best one by far was a couple of weeks ago, they managed to go from the mundane to the extremely serious illnesses in a few easy steps! The topic? "Am I a hypochondriac? What are the noises in my head?" The chart went thus:

Do you hear ringing in your ears? Yes? You have tinnitus!!

Do you hear a thudding in your head when you lie down at night? Yes? It's your pulse dimwit!! It's quite natural to hear your pulse beating you know!

Do you hear voices telling you to do bad things? Yes? You are mental! Get sectioned immediately!!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

"Celebrity" Big Brother

I only watched it as Miss S told me Justin from the Darkness might be on it! Of course he wasn't, but there was a copycat rocker - Donny Tourette from "the punk band The Towers of London", who up until now had escaped my radar, I thought they were like a modern day Spinal Tap. He was hilarious, he strutted his way up the red carpet swearing at the crowd and flicking the v's at them. Someone in the crowd tried to attack him, he told them all to kiss his f'ing ass, and then showed his ass to the crowd! Rock!! He strutted into the house, still swearing and looking rock, then completely ruined it all by going "Hey! Leo!" - and it turned out he was mates with Leo Sayer!! Rock n' roll credibility out of the window in one easy move. Now I was imagining him as a spotty 15 year old having singing and dancing lessons from Leo Sayer: "come on Donny, a 1 a 2 a 3: you make me feel like dancing...get that leg in the air!"

Hee hee! But when do the REAL celebrities turn up?! You know there's a problem when even the "celebs" don't recognise each other!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

That's Life?

I watched the This Life + 10 yesterday and it has depressed the hell out of me. 10 years on and they are still a bunch of self obsessed miserable wankers ('scuse the french, they deserve it). When they were in their 20s and newly let loose in London you could kind of understand it. But to be 10 years older and just the same? The only slightly sympathetic character was Warren, the token gay guy, but they had killed off his partner and made him a bit of a health freak. Ooh it made me so cross. And WHY was Milly still with Egg when he still spouted the same old rubbish, had written a book about his "friends" (poor sods) so had a bit of money but was still a git frankly?

I only hope the new Green Wing episode on tomorrow is a million times better or I'm throwing the tv out of the window.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Drunk dad update

Well it gets worse. The taxi didn't show up, queue a very long walk through very dark country lanes with water filled ditches at either side. Thankfully dad was prevented from toppling head first into one, but about 10 minutes from home he'd had enough and laid on the ground unable to move. Clumping his head on the way down. When he was eventually dragged home he had a great big shiner and a grazed head. 12 hours later he was still lying on the sofa sleeping and making the odd bit of conversation when he woke up. Allegedly he wasn't concussed, but I did advise going to the doctor's today if he was still in that state! I don't think I have EVER been that drunk. Go dad!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

Well you know you've lost it when your Dad has a better New Years than you! We stayed in - not being able to drink and all takes the fun out of paying £20 to get into the local hostelry. We watched the shittest tv in the world, but did manage to stay up till 3am (whoo hoo!). 2 friends texted before 10 to wish us a happy new year as they were going to bed, and they are both younger than me! Come midnight, I texted my Dad as I wasn't sure if he would still be up either. I got 3 texts back saying the same thing - I assumed he hadn't yet worked out how to work his mobile. This morning I had another 2 texts on my mobile and a text had been sent to our landline - queue a robot voice saying "Happy New Year to you!" - bit freaky. Then I had a message from my stepmum saying Dad was "a bit the worse for wear" and she had had to get my brother out at some godawful hour to help get him home! My brother sober? My Dad pissed? And out on the piss after midnight?

The world has gone off kilter somewhat. I dread to think what else this year will bring!