In one of the Sunday papers they do a self diagnosis chart for various illnesses. The best one by far was a couple of weeks ago, they managed to go from the mundane to the extremely serious illnesses in a few easy steps! The topic? "Am I a hypochondriac? What are the noises in my head?" The chart went thus:
Do you hear ringing in your ears? Yes? You have tinnitus!!
Do you hear a thudding in your head when you lie down at night? Yes? It's your pulse dimwit!! It's quite natural to hear your pulse beating you know!
Do you hear voices telling you to do bad things? Yes? You are mental! Get sectioned immediately!!