Monday, May 31, 2010


Hubby has been updating me on the cricket scores all day. Now not only do I not understand anything about cricket, I also do not care. On his latest update I said "which bit of I don't like or care about cricket don't you understand?" The updates are still coming...

Wicked stepmothers

One of the most stupid things my relative said this weekend?

"The baby won't eat that. It hasn't got any meat in it"


Sunday, May 30, 2010


Once again my prediction that the Eurovision would never again rise to the heights of Lordi 2006 came true. Oh Terry, how we miss you! The "highlights" of 2010 Eurovision?

The colour blue. Apparently blue was the theme this year, lots of blue gloves, blue outfits, blue eyeshadow...

Death. Israel and the Ukraine both submitted cheery little numbers about impending apocalypse, death, death to the world, etc. etc.

Copycats. We had Leo Sayer, Aqua, Bonnie Tyler, Linkin Park, Goldfrapp, Jordan, 2 Unlimited, Lily Allen (who won), and Sting. Who knew they were all such Eurovision fans?!

We do a score chart to help us remember who is who. My favourite comments for this year are "drunk and maudlin" (Russia), "breasty" (Armenia), "suicidal" (Israel), "Sting" (Denmark), "piano and catsuit" (Romania).

And as for the UK? We chose a 19 year old Essex boy to impersonate Rick Astley circa 1985. Came last. Quite a feat compared to some of the other entrants really.


You know you've had a fairly typical Bank Holiday weekend when you were THIS close to telling a fairly close relative to "just shut the fuck up!!!"

But luckily for me, my inner librarian (and bat-eared son) stopped me actually saying it.

Oh if only looks could kill...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Scary green stuff

I got Littl'Uns paddling pool out yesterday as it is so blooming hot. Last year it never really got hot enough to use it (and I was pregnant so refusing to do silly things like spending ages sorting a paddling pool out!) so it was like he'd never been in one before. He was loving it, getting in and out, running round the lawn, getting back in again. Then...


"What?" (in panic stricken voice clearly thinking he had broken his arm or something from the racket)

"There's GREEN STUFF in here!!! AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

"That will be grass"


Don't you just love it...

...when you happen upon someone you know vaguely who is a bit up themselves and likes to tell everyone how great they are just as they are going into a weightwatchers class, and they are clearly horrified they bumped into you :)

(For the record, I wasn't going there too, I was dropping littl'un off at school which is upstairs!)

The wisdom of children...

Littl'un announced the other day:

"We are all going to go bald and then we will die"

Well I hope he's wrong about the bald bit! Where do they pick these things up from?!

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I've written more blog posts this year than I did in the whole of last year! Ye gads, I must actually be getting more time to myself, and actually finding things to blog about. Or just getting more banal in my subject matter, who knows?!

F***ing kids!

Now I don't swear a lot, but sometimes littl'un riles me to here and back and the odd oath slips out. Then he started saying it too, which was BAAD! So we told him it was a bad word and not to say it anymore. So now, if I accidentally swear when he's in earshot he comes up to me and smugly says "Mummy, now you know you aren't supposed to say that!".

35 years old and I can't even bloody swear in my own house! Even if he's at the other end of the garden his bat ears pick up everything, and within seconds he is telling me off!

Balls! Poppycock!!

An Ebay rant

I recently started selling on Ebay - mainly to make a bit of cash and get rid of my outgrown baby clothes and maternity stuff. I was doing ok, not starting bidding wars like I had hoped, but not bad! Then some stupid woman bought a top that I loved and didn't want to give up really. Then she told me it was unwearable and demanded a refund. I said I disagreed and that I would never sell anything that was unwearable. She reported me to Ebay and I had to agree to her demands! But the stupid woman will be out of pocket as she has to pay to return it to me before I refund her, and I'm not paying that postage, and the best bit? All this trouble and she got the top for £1.75.

People! And when I get it back and prove there was nothing wrong with it for a USED top I will be reporting her to Ebay! Grr.

And another random stupid thing about Ebay? People pay more for used items than they would be if they actually buy them NEW! How stupid is that?! I was watching a book and a game that I wanted, and they both went for lots more than the online price on Play or Amazon - and they do free delivery! Some people are just so weird.

Or maybe it's me?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Now I feel old...

I caught some of that "I'm in a rock and roll band" on bbc2 over the weekend. It's a really good series looking at the different members of bands and showing loads of cool clips and interviews from Rock Gods like Dave Grohl and Shirley Manson. But they kept showing videos that I remembered the first time round and then saying "oh this was 10 years ago" or "15 years ago" and I had to actually think back and realise that they were right! I was at university or just starting work and though it doesn't seem that long ago to me, it bloody well is! God I feel old now. And why don't I go to gigs or buy cds anymore? Kids that's what! It's only a small step to me starting to moan about the "noise" the kids these days are listening to. Then it will be all over...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Tuesday night round Liz's

Picture the scene: The Queen on Tuesday night. Sitting down with a nice cocoa to watch the soaps in her dressing gown and slippers (she is a pensioner you know!). Then there is a phone call:

Underling: "Maam, Gordon Brown to see you"
Queen: "Oh bloody hell, I've got my curlers in! Can't it wait?"
Underling: "Erm no, he wants to resign"
Queen: "Now?! Eastenders is on in a minute! Oh alright then, give me a minute to put my teeth back in"

30 minutes later:

Underling: "Maam...?"
Queen: "WHAT?! What is it now? My baths running!"
Underling: "Erm, David Cameron wants to see you now"
Queen: "!!!!!!!!!"

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Funny vicars!

I have to pay homage to the vicar of the local fete we went to at the weekend. Not only was he clearly very eccentric in his approach to parking for the fete - it mainly went along the lines of "let people park wherever, watch them get all their stuff and kids out of the car, then ask them to move it" - the brochure they produced had the funniest jokes in it! Some a bit risque for a vicar, so I reproduce the best ones here:

Q: What's a teddy bear's favourite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

I went to the doctors and said "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

I went to the chemist and said "Can you make something up for me?
He said "Kate Winslet was in here this morning"
I said "Really?"
"No," he said, "I made it up".

If a rabbit goes to a party dressed as a cake, would he be a cream bun?

And now to the Inappropriate gags for a church fete section:

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. (Not really funny but highly inappropriate for a church fete!)

Do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? (see above!)

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? (and again!)

And the one that made me scratch my head for AGES:

There was a power cut at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. (Think about it!)

Titanic re-enactment in the library!

And in a poor planning idea for a library, but an hilarious episode, in the kiddies library which used to be a separate room and thus soundproofed for everyone else, they have now incorporated it into the main library. And built a tree house in it, with beanbags. Great idea, but Littl'Un excitedly leapt up the stairs of the house, stood right at the top with his arms wide and shouted at the top of his voice: "I'm the king of the world!!". My librarian genes were appalled but it was really quite funny and they obviously don't expect to keep the library quiet - especially by the amount of people using mobiles at the same time. But as Littl'Un hasn't actually seen Titanic - far too young to see Kate Winslet's naughties if you ask me - I don't know where he got that from!

They SO need me!

Well after my initial excitement at the new library, things were swiftly back to normal. When I returned some books last week, two of them weren't recognised by the Robot Librarian so the proper one said "oh I'll take them back to my desk and sort them out". And promptly didn't as they were still on Littl'uns' ticket three days later when I checked our records. Hence another visit yesterday to find said books and get them actually returned rather than just put back on the shelves, luckily my librarian book finding skills have yet to desert me. So that was sorted. Then Littl'un picked some more books to take out and we used the Robot Librarian which is still very exciting! But one book wouldn't issue. So we went off to the Real Librarian and guess what? - it was only issued to someone else!! Honestly. When I am baby free and need a job I am taking over that place and kicking them into touch! Just watch me.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Politics for the cynical.

I have no idea who to vote for on Thursday. It is difficult. I look at the promises they all make, then shrug and think "I don't believe a word any of them say". Which makes it hard to choose between them. So what criteria can a cynical voter use? So far I've got: the charisma/lack of of the top bod; who promises to cut my money the least (though I still don't believe them); who has the best mottos/ads; which colour I like best; who has the best first name; have they got pets; their wife/partners fashion sense/lack of.

All very well thought out sensible criteria for such an important decision don't you think?

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Library excitement

Yes really. I went to the newly refurbished libray yesterday and was super excited to discover the self issue and return machine. Seeing as the actual librarians are incapable of issuing or returning books properly, I have high hopes for the robotic librarian. And the Luddite in me is screaming at me to repent, but really, the librarians there are rubbish! It gives them more time for gossiping anyway, well until the machine gives up which is pretty inevitable...


I went into Romford today. The first thing I saw was a big BNP stand giving away flags and balloons with the George cross on them - a clear policy to attract children who love balloons and flags, and so get some free publicity. As Lady Librarian said, I wonder where the balloons and flags were actually made - I bet they weren't Made in England!