Shakespeare is among us

So finally the world of literature has attracted one of the greats of our times who wants to tell us all about his life. In 5 books. Over 12 years. For £5 million quid. Who is this doyenne of intellectual thought who will teach us great things and make us question the world we live in? Why, no other than Wayne Rooney. What took you so long Wayne?

I imagine the first volume of the five (what do you call a series of 5 books? A cinquette?) will be something like this:

Monday: “I woke up and brushed me teeth in the special toothpaste that Colleen got me. It’s got seaweed in it and it makes me feel sick. Then I got dressed. Jones our butler had made me favourite brekkie – Lucky Charms and toast with the crusts cut off, I hate crusts. Then I got a call from Sven who wanted to tell me to stop eating so much cereal and start on the body building shakes for the World Cup build up. I don’t like them much but he wants me to be able to knock over those ‘orrible other players who think they can beat me easily”.

Tuesday: “I got up and brushed me teeth. Had a Crème Egg for brekkie, coz Colleen was out already at Lakeside shopping. Had footie training.”

Wednesday: “Went to awards ceremony after tea. Colleen made me wear a pink suit to go with her dress. Met Lionel Blair, he’s my hero.”

Thursday: “David (Beckham) called to see how I was doing. He says I’d better eat lots of eggs as well as all those shakes.”

Friday: “Watched Deal or no deal. Those poor people get really upset about a piddly 250 grand, Colleen spends that most weekends.”

And so on. How can he stretch it over 5 books? It isn't quite Lord of the Rings, and that only made it to 3. I imagine the early life will be: “I went to school, I was quite good at football, I got spotted and signed.” Of course there must be some early hardship to go through, maybe his mum couldn’t afford Adidas trainers and he had £5 ones from the local market. My life could be this exciting, do you think I could get a few million to tell my story?

I can’t wait to read them. No really.