The Hen Night (Part 1)

So, Lady L can tell you how her hen night was. I hope she had a super time and we made it fun for her. I certainly had fun. These are some of my highlights (though they were probably lowlights for the other people involved).

1) Inappropriate tales - this may be because I don't get out so much these days, but I have an unfortunate tendency to own up to stupid things I have done. Which is fine if I picked a good time to do it. One sparkly drink in and I was admitting all sorts to bemused looks from the other hens (is the bride to be called the hen and the other girls chicks? Or are we all hens? I don't know so I will refer to us all as hens). For Lady L and Miss S this was usual. For the other hens I've never met before, probably a bit weird and WAY too much information. Ladies I apologise.

2) Insulting men who seem quite nice but have made the mistake of coming to talk to you. I attract weirdos. It's always happened and I'm used to it now. In the pub a nice man called John decided to talk to me. I didn't feel it at the time, but I must have been slightly tipsy. He asked me what I thought of his jumper. I told him he looked like a male prostitute. A bad one. He seemed quite upset but it didn't put him off.

3) Insulting drunk men in nightclubs - more random weirdos turned up in the club. They were waving around pictures of dogs. One of them came up to me with puckered lips and asked what his pulling techniques were like. I said they needed a lot of work.

It's a very good job I don't need to attract men anymore. I seem to have developed the equivalent of turret's syndrome to chat up lines:

"Hello Booky B, you seem nice. How are you?"

"You smell like shit and you look like a tramp"

"Oh. You don't want to go out on a date then?"

"Feck off!"