Nice one Harry!

Harry Hill has picked up on the travesty that is the new series of Delia. I haven't seen last night's episode yet but I am reliably informed that her newest "recipe" is grilled pitta bread. Uh huh. How is that a recipe exactly? Anyway in TV Burp, Harry also takes the piss out of the "cooking". Apparently, we are informed, Delia's husband types up her recipes for her books - "he just copies them off the packets" chortled Harry. And I think he might be right! Surely someone will be suing old Delia soon for passing things off as her own work. It might just be me!

Who you gonna call?

Uh oh. I think we've disturbed the ghosts again. They have been very quiet since we had Baby Babs, I thought bringing a baby into the house had made them happy enough to leave the tv alone. But on Friday we started decorating our bedroom. It is the last room in the house that we haven't done, and I think we've really pissed off the lady whose bedroom it was. What makes me think this?

1) On Good Friday the boiler breaks.
2) On Good Friday the toaster breaks.

3) On the Saturday morning I come downstairs at 6am courtesy of Baby Babs to find the clock on the fireplace saying 8am. Now this is very weird. We went to bed at 10.30 (rock n roll people!) and I looked at the clock and it was working. So how do you explain it saying 8am the next day at 6am?! It hadn't stopped and there hadn't been an 8am in between me going to bed and getting up. It can only have gone super fast...or gone BACKWARDS...the ghosts are messing with me and I'm getting tired of it. It's not their house anymore damnit!! We're only painting the walls!!

If any exorcists in the Essex area are available that would be lovely. Thankyou.

Things you don't want to go wrong...

...on a long Easter weekend.

1) The boiler breaks on Good Friday. It is predicted to be the coldest weekend this year with snow a very big possibility. Marvellous. Normally I would get super excited about snow. Now I am digging out my thick socks and leg warmers to wear in the lounge.
2) The only way to get the boiler to work is to stick your hand into the deepest dustiest parts of the boiler with one of those pens you use to light the gas on the cooker. It then comes on but only for 10 minutes. Then it clicks off and you have to do it again.
3) You blackmail a very sick plumber to come round on Saturday by using the "I have a baby" line and he still can't fix it until Tuesday.

It is now snowing. Brrr. It's Easter! I have daffodils in the garden! How can it be snowing?!?!

It's how you describe it...

In the latest Currys adverts, they are selling these great new things - "frost free food centres" - didn't they used to be called "fridges" back in the day?!

Oi Smith! Noooo!!

So the second episode of Delia has got even worse. She made everything out of tins, told the buyers at Sainsburys that tinned meat was the new "thing" and it was bloody awful! But basically, her recipes (a bit like Nigella's) are cooking for posh people, who let's face it, have a cook or buy it already made. The secret of all these recipes is "good quality ingredients" - for which read "from Waitrose". Delia had a pantry (not as nice as Nigella's) full of posh tinned and bottled things, which admittedly are probably very nice - pesto actually from Italy, bottles of fancy red peppers. But who can actually afford to buy them?! What is the point of showing rich people how to cook badly? M&S and Waitrose do convenience food so well, she might as well have just gone round the freezer section saying "well you put the oven on to gas mark 6 and then cook for 45 minutes and then serve with a prepared salad and a bottle of very posh red wine. I can't cook very well, but even I try harder than old Delia!

Delia!! Nooooo!!!!

I watched the first episode of the new Delia "how to cheat" series and I am so upset! Even Nigella doesn't sink so low as to use frozen mashed potato and mince out of a can. It was shocking. Surely even the most nervous cook can boil a potato, and you can even buy mince you can cook from frozen these days so why go so so lazy? Delia is failing budding cooks, she said that nobody could cook anymore, and they certainly won't after watching your program Delia. You are teaching people how to put things in a dish and then in the oven. She even used frozen potato wedges for god's sake. People she is aiming to get cooking will go even easier and just buy the fish pie or cottage pie straight from the freezer section and put it in the microwave. The program is a travesty. She even explained how to take the skin off a piece of already cooked salmon. Pft!!!

A song for Europe?

Oh. My. God. The farce that was our attempt to pick a song to represent us at the Eurovision hit a new low on Saturday night. There were 6 contenders, who were split into 2s and then for some unknown reason John Barrowman and that Carrie with the bright red hair were deemed responsible enough to decide which of the 2 acts in each category went through to the public vote. They raved about Michelle Gayle. For the record she was not "Eurovision Eurovision Eurovision" (thanks John) - she was truly shocking, and REALLY embarassing. Her "song" involved lots of over-excitable shimmering and the song was really screechy and appalling frankly. She was up against Andy Abrahams who, while not exactly Lordi, was the best of a terrible bunch. He was professional and could have been performing on Top of the Pops (RIP) while the others were shameful karaoke wannabees. Baby Babs liked him and he chose Scooch last year too so he knows what he's talking about. Thankfully Terry had a wild card to put one of the failed groups through to the public vote and he sensibly chose Andy. And of course the public voted for him and he won. I would love to have seen Terry gloating to the idiot "professional, know what they are talking about" judges. They could so easily have made us the laughing stock of Europe. I know Andy won't win, but he'll not be too bad. Well done to the Great British Public!

Oh Lordi...

...is it really that time of year again? Can it really be two years since Lordi triumphed at the Eurovision and we all had hopes of a resurgence of Eurovision excellence? Sadly it hasn't happened. They should have just stopped the Eurovision after Lordi, nobody could beat that. This weekend is the UK's pick our entry thingymebob on the tv. I have seen 2 of the "acts" and yet again they are complete rubbish. I had hopes for Scooch last year but they did pants too. This year we have to choose from a bunch of X Factor rejects - Andy Abrahams, Michelle Gayle, and 2 girls who are as nondescript as every girl band on the tv talent shows. The songs are all shit too. Sorry, the UK's poor attempts to win the Eurovision reduce me to cussing. I am beginning to think they don't want to win. Who doesn't want to go and watch the Eurovision at the NEC?! I do. I'd have flags.

Party bags

Another thing that causes much competition amongst mums is party bags. BB has been to 2 parties this year, he has a better social life than me. Anyway, the first party, the party bag was really nice, I was impressed. It had the usual, bubbles, cake, a little toy and it also had a Mr Man book and a little car. I thought that was over the top. But oh no. Last week BB went to another party, a joint party for 2 little girls he knows. The bags this time were out of this world. First of all, the bags were professionally printed with his name and "thanks for coming" on the front. Then a big helium balloon was tied to the handles. And inside he had bubbles (but coloured ones), cake, a big Enid Blyton pop up book, a rubber duck, another balloon, some biscuits...and a t-shirt from Marks and Spencers!!! Marks and Spencers!!! We tried to work out how much all this must have cost, and there were 19 kids there. At least £20 each. Madness. And all for a one year old's birthday. Hiring the hall was £80, then they provided food and drink. The babies have no idea, it's all for the parents benefit. BB has another party there (same group of mums) in April, she must be terrified of what she has to do to top this one. And what on earth are they going to do for their 2nd birthdays? BB had a small party at home and I invited the mums over for tea. I'm not bankrupting myself to be labelled "mum of the year" by everyone I know! It's all crazy. I never knew having a baby would open up this world of super competitive parents. I'm not playing I tell you (where's the gold bibs for our next party?) ...

Baby groups

Now I know I keep harping on about baby groups, but honestly, they are a minefield people. Veritable minefields. Worse than an office environment really. Why is this? Let me expand: Baby Babs goes to two different baby groups, henceforth known as (a) The Baby Group with the Oddbods and (b) the Toddler Group of Peril. I've already talked about the Toddler Group of Peril and the many accidents that are awaiting unprepared children. The Baby Group with the Oddbods was the first group we started going to, for 50p and a cup of tea you can't go wrong really. Not many mums go, most of the mums I know go to fancy groups with waiting lists of 20 and planned activities for the whole time they are there like artwork and music and crazy things. The babies are only 1, can't they just have fun? These groups also cost about £3.50 a session. Baby Babs can colour in at home and play drums on the tupperware. He doesn't need "planned activities" thrust upon him. He probably wouldn't want to draw with his feet when they told him he had to anyway!

But I digress. The Baby Group with the Oddbods usually has 6 or 7 mums and their kids, but the one week I didn't go as I was sick the Oddbods turned up. We know them from the local school - man and wife, matching shellsuits, on the social but have a car, sky tv, smoke heavily. You know the type. They turned up one week with their son. He proceeded to bash the skull out of my friends little girl with a skittle. Did the Oddbods say anything? Or even remove the weapon? No. They just sat there. My friend had to say to the little boy that they "didn't do things like that" and in the end the lady running the group had to intervene. But I have thought long and hard about this. If it happened to Baby Babs, what would I do? First of all I'd want to slap the kid hard, and then the parents. But I probably wouldn't say anything to them either. The politics of baby groups is very complicated. It's all polite conversation and "ooh how old is your little cherub?" but nothing of substance. Where we really should be saying "excuse me, could you tell your son (little b*stard) to stop hitting my child?". But then there would be an argument, and bad feelings, and then I'd end up banned from the group for being argumentative! Because there isn't any vetting policy on who can turn up, and there are no rules for behaviour established, the kids (and parents) can do whatever they like. Luckily the Oddbods didn't turn up this week. But the worst thing is that I know they label us "normal" mums as rude and untalkative and I can just see the day when they complain to a teacher or someone official about their treatment and it all goes up the swanny and they are on the front of the local paper saying they have been treated unjustly. Oh it's all fun and games having kids.

Health and safety? Nah let's not bother...

So Baby Babs survived his next trip to the Toddler Group of Peril (see below) but only just. He didn't bang his head this time mainly as every time he set off I had to shadow him just in case. But the minute he decided to sit down and play and I thought it would be ok to take my eyes off him, he picks up a car and the wheel comes off. Obviously. Luckily his aunt spotted it and took it out of his mouth just in time. I know these things happen, but at official baby groups I would have expected they were forced to take health and safety seriously. At least check the toys regularly. In these days of suing the council for tripping over a leaf, or your employer for hurt feelings because your boss said you looked a little tired, I suppose we've all grown used to the nanny state. I mean, they banned some pancake day race last week as all the health and safety forms to "protect" the children were too much for the officials. But it seems this hasn't quite reached the group we go to. Which is fair enough now I know! What on earth will happen next week?! Crack cocaine in the playhouse? Razor blades on the wheels of the prams?! We will see...

Accident prone

Now BB is almost walking, well he is, he just isn't too steady, life is getting dangerous. He's fine at home with a carpet but a baby group we go to has a very sensible solid concrete floor. He got away from me today and of course fell backwards. The crack when his head hit the floor still makes me feel sick. And of course he cried (the shock I think more than anything) and I bawled like a big girl! The other mums were like "how soppy is she?" and it doesn't help BB to have me bawling and making him think something really bad has happened! What would I do if it did?! I must start to toughen myself up, I'll have to watch really sad tv and train myself not to cry. Moulin Rouge and Gladiator always do it for me. After a few intensive sessions I should be hard enough only to cry if BB hurts himself so badly he actually needs an ambulance and not if he merely grazes his thumb...

Birthday boy!

Baby Babs is now a whole year old, it's mad! He threw a little party on Saturday and lapped up all the attention. He got so many presents and ate SO much party food it is a wonder he wasn't sick as a dog. Lady L's favourite part of the day was Baby Babs crawling towards her at full pelt with a sausage roll hanging out of his mouth. He sometimes thinks he is a dog. The family all behaved themselves mainly, and I failed to get roaring drunk but I was quite merry. I think all the party food soaked the wine up. And I baked a cake for the first time in years and it was bloody lovely!! I gave most of it away and then wished I hadn't. Still there's always an excuse to make a cake. Mmm, cake...

...on children's birthday parties...

Oh go on then! Baby Babs was invited to a party yesterday and I am still mad about it. It was for an older child we know, but he still had his own invite, as did 2 other babies. We wouldn't have gone otherwise. We were told there would be food for the kids and hot drinks for the mums, which is fine. But when it was food time and all the kids sat down, it soon became apparent that there wasn't any food for the babies. Baby Babs was fine, he ate before he left home, but another older toddler was sat down at the table all expectantly, and everyone else got a bag full of goodies, and he got nada. They served all the food in separate bags so they couldn't even stretch it out between everyone who turned up. The poor little sod. And then the party bags were given out with exciting hats and balloons (which Baby Babs hearts lots) - but nothing for the babies. Honestly. I wouldn't have minded but for the personal invite, and the babies only needed a token present for turning up. The poor toddler watched his brother get fed and gifted, and I felt so bad for him.

Children's parties are a minefield! Luckily when Baby Babs turns 1 (not long now!!) we're having a few people over to ours and I'm mainly serving vodka. Don't tell the social...

Men and weekends vs women and weekends

I was so mad with old Mr Babs this weekend I couldn't speak for fear of ending up D.I.V.O.R.C.E.D. He is still on "single" mode and spends most of the weekends sleeping in, then waking up, putting the football on and cracking open a beer. That's it. Me and Baby Babs have to creep around downstairs from whatever godawful hour he wakes me up, then carry on with housework/meals etc while Mr B sits on the sofa. Ooh it drives me to distraction but I can't take it up with him without crying and starting every sentence "you never do..." which is guaranteed to start a fight. But he has a family now and we should be doing things together, you know, the old "making memories" thing. I don't want Baby Babs's first memory to be his mum with a face like thunder and daddy always sitting on the sofa with a beer in one hand and his psp in the other (that's a computer console thank you very much, we haven't quite sunk to that level yet...). How can I get him to stop thinking weekends are "his" time after working all week? Like I don't do anything Monday to Friday. Pah. Answers very welcome. Thankyou. Rant over.

2008

Bleedin' hell, what happened to 2007? It was mainly taken up by looking after Baby Babs when he turned up and then turning into a housewife. My main resolution for this year is to take my life back! It's not all changing nappies and ironing you know. I used to be fun once upon a time...

Baby boogie

The other day the Nolans singing "I'm in the mood for dancing" (romancing, ooh I'm giving it all tonight...) came on the tv out of nowhere. Baby Babs went MENTAL! He was boogieing around in his high chair like no ones business, nobody could say he ain't my son! I have yet to play him any Barry Manilow, now that's an idea! (...at the copa, copacabana...)

Christmas

Today is the anniversary of me giving up work! Yey! And you know what, I haven't missed it at all. Not that I've had time to really. But I miss the money sometimes! Hubby is on his drunken way home from the Christmas drinks they have at the end of "term" and I feel guilty that he felt he had to come home! But I can count on my hands the number of times I have been out with my friends this year, it's all changing next year! Motherhood does not equal death of social life! Goddamit. But most of my friends have moved miles away too, it's not good.

I'm super excited about Christmas. It's Baby Babs' first and he's old enough to kind of know what's going on. I bought him so much stuff, I was going to save some of it for his 1st birthday in January but I couldn't do it! I need a bigger house.

But Happy Christmas to everyone! I have no idea what 2008 will bring but hopefully less tears, more drinking and lots of fun!

Stairlift to heaven

I've been watching the news showing footage from the Led Zeppelin gig at the O2 arena last night. Instead of being an exciting ROCK experience, sadly it just looked like a load of dads getting over-excited about their old guitars being unearthed from the loft. I am sure the Zep did rock last night and were just as good as the old days, but the fans sadly have aged considerably. I am sure all the middle aged men who were "rocking out" to the embarrassment of their kids were cool when the Zep were big last time round. Now they really aren't. It's quite touching though, old blokes trying to be young again. Bless.

Rock of love

The most hilarious program I have seen for YEARS is currently showing on VH1. I happened upon it by chance one bored Friday night - there really is nothing on tv anymore. Basically Bret Michaels from Poison has a load of women vying for his "love" and each week some get voted off. It is total trash television, these women have no shame. Bret isn't all that anymore (not that he ever was), but he's got these women doing phone sex competitions, writing him love songs to perform in front of a panel of judges, and all kinds of humiliating stuff. They all think they are "the one" and Bret just hasn't seen it yet. Trust me girls, he ain't in it for a relationship! Not after the threesome last night...

One who got voted off last night was a maturer lady who thought she would win it. My favourite bit was when two other girls won one of the competitions and got to go horse riding with Bret. She started howling, screaming "that was MY dream - I wanted to go horse riding with Bret!!" and she took it very personally that he'd taken some other blonde girls. She also kept saying she wanted Bret to meet her kids. Shortly after she was sent "home" (read for "rehab"). One other not very smart girl said "oh she's always crying that she misses her son. I can totally dig it, like, I really miss my cat, but do you see me crying?".

Oh roll on next Friday!!