Happy New Year!

Ah New Year's Eve. What am I doing I hear you cry? Well shortly I will be getting the kids to bed, then ordering a takeaway and opening a bottle of fizz in honour of the occasion! And I am really looking forward to it. Hell, I might even go to bed before midnight :)

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you are having a much more rock and roll New Year's Eve than me. One year I might even make it out of the house to an establishment that plays music and dance the night away! You never know what's around the corner!

Happy Birthday!

Littl'un #2 turns 2 today, I have no idea where the time has gone. He celebrated with a packet of Magic Stars! We had the family over at the weekend for his birthday so today seems a bit flat - but I'm sure he doesn't know! He got so many presents I have no room for them, and we still have Christmas to get through. I might have to rewrap them again :)

And talking of the weekend, tell me this. If you were invited over for a child's birthday, and to stay the night, would you come and not even bring a card?! One of my relatives did, didn't even say Happy Birthday. Hell, they could have drawn a card if they didn't want to buy one. It's made me really angry but obviously I can't say anything as in our family we are all so polite to each other it hurts, then the minute we say goodbye we start ripping into each other! I might write a sitcom about it, you couldn't make half of what we have to go through up!

Jingle Bells

I just went to see Littl'un at his christmas singalong at school. He was so good bless him! He's spent the whole of the last week insisting he didn't know any of the songs, yet he was right up there at the front singing his heart out! Most of the other kids were looking at their feet shuffling and half-heartedly singing, not my one! He'll be on the X Factor this time next year! I don't know where he gets it from, I refuse to sing in front of his dad due to some random paranoia that he'd leave me if I was a terrible singer, so the stage presence must be from his dad!

Chocolate santa

In a fit of helpfulness I wrapped 40 selection boxes for the school PTA last weekend. I am very sad and love wrapping and I enjoyed it! It's for the Santa's grotto at the school fair. Littl'un wants to go to the fair and I said "yeah but we don't need to go and see Santa do we?" as they want £1.50 per kid! "Oh yes we do," said Littl'un, "I want my chocolate". The boy ain't silly!

Sparkly!

A new phenomenon has appeared in Celebrity World. Crystal white sparkling straight as you like teeth. It is quite disconcerting. It totally takes your attention away from whatever they are trying to sell you as all you can do is gaze at the lovely sparkly things. Cee Lo Green was the latest I noticed, he started singing and that was it. Never heard a note. But his teeth are lovely. I think it's going over the top now, it totally takes any personality away, what's wrong with slightly off white a bit wonky teeth I ask you? And they are SOOO perfect,  it's like the very expensive celebrity dentist actually got a spirit level in there while he was at it. As soon as any wannabe makes it (ie they have enough dosh to sort them out or the management insist on it) it's out with the normal teeth and in with the SPARKLY teeth. How long till they start sticking things on them again? Diamantes or teeth tattoos? You watch, they'll be advertising their latest single/book/film on their gnashers before long so all they actually have to do is open their mouths...

Ruining the joys of childhood

Littlewoods has a lot to answer for. As does Littl'un's teacher. Firstly, Littlewoods. Someone who is probably being paid an extortionate amount of money for making ads thought that re-enacting a school play where the premise is "mum buys all the Christmas presents" was a great idea. And to show it at all times of the day would be a marvellous idea. Is there no respect for anything anymore? Small children deserve to believe in Father Christmas without the massive corporations treading all over the magic to make a bit more money. It is really shocking to me, is nothing sacred anymore?

But apparently it's not just the big money making firms who like to spoil the dreams of the young. Littl'un told me his teacher told them Father Christmas wasn't real. He is 4. Luckily he believed me when I told him his teacher was basically a big fat liar.

Oh the irony...

The other day I noticed an NHS van being driven erratically down the road. This was what drew my attention. Plastered all over the side was "Smoking Kills" and other scary messages. The driver was driving erratically as he was trying to light a fag.

Gatecrashing and fireworks

Bonfire night round our way is taken very seriously. Friday night the local scouts at the bottom of our garden had their "do" which was very noisy and at one point I thought they were blowing up gas canisters from the noise of the explosions, the windows were even shaking! Then when they finished a pub up the road started off which were even bigger, if possible. Saturday night carried on much the same, fireworks everywhere you looked, which is good if you don't want to pay to go to a display! Littl'un #1 seems to have got over his fear, the past 3 years he has screamed every time a rocket went off. Littl'un #2 seems to be made of stronger stuff, he didn't even flinch. And we got to gatecrash the neighbours' fireworks party as he saw us standing at the back door and invited us over. This included a big vodka and 2 very tired little boys by the end of it, so it was marvellous! And the next day we got to play "how many bits of firework are in our garden" which is quite entertaining, though the wind must have been going the other way this year, last year they were all by the back door and some had even gone over the house! This is no mean feat as our garden is 100ft, those scouts sure know how to throw a mean firework display!

Car journeys with kids

One of the most challenging things you can do as a parent is go on a long car journey with your children. By the end of it they are extremely fractious, grizzled, hungry, thirsty, and there is a good chance one of them will have wet themselves. You will be lucky to have retained your sanity.

On our last trip to visit the olds, it was about 5 hours each way. This involved the following incidents.

1) An hour into the trip Littl'un #1 pipes up with the usual "I need a wee!!!". Queue stop off at next service station for toilet break.

2) Five minutes later down the motorway Littl'un #1 pipes up with "I need a poo!!!" Queue stop off at next service station for yet another toilet break amid furious mutterings of "couldn't you go last time we stopped?" "But I didn't NEED to go then"...

3) Littl'un #2 then clearly feels that he has been left out of the equation for too long and starts whining. Luckily he is still in nappies so that is one problem avoided. (We did consider putting a nappy on his brother after point 2 but there you go). So then we start the great Feeding of Children to Keep Them Quiet part of the journey. Sandwiches, biscuits and crisps are passed to the back of the car and now the car looks like it needs a good hoover. Littl'un #2 is covered in jam and just out of reach, but he can still reach to smear jam all over the interior of the car. Littl'un #1 moans that he didn't want jam and complains mightily for at least 20 minutes.

4) Kids are sated for a little while. Mum decides to put some music on to keep them happy. Littl'un #1 has developed a taste for Meatloaf and after listening to "I would do anything for love but I won't do that" five times in a row, mum is ready to bail and hitch a lift for the rest of the journey. What started off as cute, Littl'un #1 singing along to Meatloaf, is now very annoying and when we try and put something else on he complains loudly that it is rubbish and "can we put Meatloaf on" over and over and over and over...

5) Finally we get to our destination. Kids get out of the car, and immediately say "can we go home now?". We have yet to face the journey home, and are considering ways to drug the kids to sleep on the return journey. 

Clocks

The clocks went back an hour today. In his wisdom Littl'un #2 decided to wake up at 6.15 yesterday's time which is very early for him. This means we have been awake since 5.15. I am refusing to change the clock's yet in a futile attempt to pretend it is still yesterday. Whoever invented the time change was a sadist or didn't have kids.

Strictly

So who WAS that bloke who got voted off Strictly at the weekend? I literally have no idea. Is he like that Andrew Castle who was famous for tennis or something then just famous for being annoying?

Spiderman

We went to the tip over the weekend to get rid of all the bags of garden waste I normally leave in my shed for about 6 months. The boys were in the back seats, the rubbish in the boot. Ten minutes into the trip the youngest started moaning. Me and Mr Babs ignored him for a while, it's quite common, but then when it got louder Mr Babs turned round to look at him. In that short period of time a cunning spider had come out of the boot and spun a web all over his face!! Ha ha. It was funny! Littl'un was not impressed. If we'd left him any longer he'd have probably been woven into a cocoon!

School stress

Littl'un is in Reception now full time. He's only done 2 full weeks and I am so stressed about it! Firstly I have no idea what they do all day, the odd crumbs he mentions when he gets home may or may not be true, for example, "we went to the park and climbed a tree and got stuck and had to get the firemen out". Oh righty. Then he has been on the "time out" spot at least 3 times, well these are the ones he has told me about. He said it was for fighting. There is another boy in his class who is a little shit, to put it politely. So I asked the teacher who claimed to know nothing as she "wasn't there" but it was "probably something to do with not doing what he was told". Gee thanks, if the teacher has no idea what is going on, who does?!

And this is Reception! Wait till he's in secondary school! I really want to get involved and make sure the boy behaves and doesn't start getting in bad habits, but the teachers' don't really seem to care. The only thing that made me feel better is that apparently most of the kids ended up on time out. I think they are just really harsh with their punishment. "You didn't put your chair in correctly, time out for you!" - maybe it gives the teachers a rest if 27 kids are all sat on the time out spot!

Strictly bye bye

Ha I was right! Edwina was the first to go, poor Vincent, I think he knew that when they got put together. I am still on Team Jason, he is so cool! Can I start a petition for next year? I want Dermot O'Leary and Greg off Masterchef please? And Philip Glenister, ooh, imagine him doing a foxtrot!

Strictly Come Dancing

But I am loving Strictly! They managed to make Holly Valance look quite ordinary and a bit chubby, and Jason Donovan rocked! Yeah for men who are "getting on a bit"! But that Edwina has to go, politicians and dancing really don't mix, especially when in your head you've got her getting it on with John Major every time you see her. It's putting me off my wine!

X factor again

Against my better judgment I've been watching the latest X Factor. It's more interesting now with different judges, though Gary Barlow obviously has the Simon Cowell hat on. But what's bugging me is all the messing around they are doing with the groups. The judges keep taking one person out of one group and then putting them in another, and most of the groups that actually auditioned as groups are sent home. Why bother auditioning as a group? You might as well audition individually and then if you don't get through on your own merits they may well call  you back and put you in a group with 4 other strangers and then flog you to the media. Doesn't matter that you don't know each other or even like each other. Well if it worked for the Spice Girls...

A 4 year old expert blackmailer

So Littl'un has been trying to get me to play Monopoly with him for ages. I keep saying "no", mostly as when he asks I am making tea or something, but I do feel bad! Anyway, yesterday I had just sat down after hours of gardening, ready to just sit and do nothing with a cuppa. He asked again, and automatically I said "no". "Right," he says all dramatically, "if you don't play with me I am NOT your boy anymore and I am going to go and live somewhere else".

Well, if you put it like that I suppose I'd better play!

Men and money

You know when you have a certain amount to spend every week and it is all accounted for? Mostly on food and a ridiculous percentage of it on beer. So you get the beer, and then the other half drinks it in 2 days and then goes out and buys some more. And has also developed a nicotine habit that is getting worse and more expensive! How can I be expected to keep to the budget?! But why do I feel guilty when we don't?!

And the depressing thing is, he would happily have us all live on frozen sausages every night as long as he has beer and fags in.

Doing two things at once...

It seems the new trend is that you can't just do one thing at one time anymore, like watch tv or go to a party. You have to sit watching tv while posting pithy tweets at the same time, the amount of times I've gone onto Twitter and it's all about last night's Dragon's Den or Strictly. I feel left out, at the time I had a brilliantly sarcastic one liner I could have shared, but my computer doesn't load up quick enough! (It is 7 years old people, practically prehistoric) And now there is a program (the Million Pound Drop) that actively tells you to log on and play along and you might get selected to be on the show next week and win shedloads of cash. And what is developing? A nation of people watching tv while on their laptops or fancy phones and not really relaxing as they never switch off. What happened to relaxing with your feet up and a cuppa?! The most advanced technological thing I ever did was a textathon when the Eurovision was on, Mr Babs doesn't get the comments about crazy hair and weird European lyrics!

Technology is great but it is stopping people interacting in real life. Next door had a barbecue last night (get them, October 1st and all!) and I watched them over the fence sitting round drinking and all on their phones texting other people or on the internet. It was quite sad really. If me and Mr Babs ever entertain I will have a dish to put phones in, a bit like the old car key trick :)

And if you ever don't want to know the results of a program or anything important, you can NOT go on the Internet. I used to have to avoid the news channels if I hadn't seen the last episode of Masterchef or something and didn't want to know who won until I saw it. Now I'd have to avoid Twitter, probably Facebook, and the news, and email just for safety.

Maybe I'll go and live in a cave with a tin foil hat on, it's probably safer...

Breakdown cover if you want it or not

My breakdown cover for the car ran out at the beginning of the month. The AA now cannily renew it automatically, which to be honest I had forgotten about, but I got a letter telling me that as I had a new bank card this year they hadn't got my details and I would have to ring up if I wanted to renew. I was very glad about this as they doubled the price since last year, and I didn't want to pay it. Imagine my surprise when I checked the bank last week and they'd taken the money anyway! You know when you are so angry you can't speak or breathe? We didn't have the money to spend on stupid things like super expensive breakdown cover, we needed it for food. So when I could speak I rang them up. Luckily the man I got put through to in the end agreed to refund the money, but it would take up to 21 days to get it back. Then he generously said "oh and we won't charge you the £20 admin fee for cancelling". !!!!!!!

I am still really angry! Luckily it didn't take the whole 21 days to get the money back. And the other thing was that he asked at the end of the conversation if I had any breakdown cover. I said no, I was going to the RAC as they do the same thing for £28 (not £54 as the AA quoted). "Oh, we can match that!" he blithely announced, which begs the question why quote me £54?! They are banking on people not checking and just letting the renewal go through, and it's ridiculous! You can't opt out of the automatic renewal either so you have to be on top of your game in 12 months or you're in for it. I wasn't, and luckily for me they cocked up at their end.

And the cover they would have given me wasn't coming to my house if the car wouldn't start, or towing me home, it was literally coming to the car if we break down somewhere and then towing us to a garage. I only go to the shops once a week, and I think my brother-in-law would tow me home for free. Sod you breakdown cover, I'm going solo!

Books

You know when you are reading a book and you just can't get into it? Is it worth struggling on or should you just stop? I got John Irving's Last Night in Twisted River out of the library weeks ago. I have read all of his other books, and I was looking forward to it. I'm only a third of the way in and I am trying to decide if I should carry on. It's really hard work, all the characters have really complicated surnames that you can't just read, you have to actively spell them out in your head, and it is hard going. Maybe it's my baby brain that has stopped me from being able to concentrate properly but I feel I'm not giving the book the attention it deserves. Maybe I'll get a Jackie Collins instead and try this again in a couple of years...sorry John!

The state of things

I was reading the paper yesterday and got to the end and realised I was thoroughly depressed. All it had in it was bad news. Train fares going up again to pay for the bloody olympics, bills going up, the price of food going up, houses getting smaller, random murders, dead babies, parents bullied into buying expensive brand names to keep their kids happy, school standards dropping. Jeez. England is going to the dogs. The only reason I can think of right now to stay and not elope to Spain or somewhere is the NHS and free prescriptions for Mr Babs. I know we would have a better quality of life living anywhere else, living in London is becoming a luxury at the moment. And not a nice luxury really with all the crime and pollution and noise and people and cars everywhere. Maybe we could move abroad but close enough to come back for doctor's appointments?

Books and films

So after years of umming and ahhing I finally watched the Time Traveler's Wife on dvd. I loved the book, I remember bawling outside Tescos when I finished it. I was actually looking forward to the film after reading a few reviews about it online. But no. It was terrible. I'll have to read the book again so I forget the film. It totally took the heart out of the book and I have no idea how, but it lost the love between the two main characters. In the book you can understand why the woman waits so long for the Time Traveler to reappear throughout her life, it is totally believable as they are so much in love. In the film. he was angry all the time, I couldn't understand what she saw in him really, and she seemed like she didn't care either way if he was there or not. Even when he died I didn't sob buckets like I thought I would.

Mr Babs who was forced to sit through it too was not amused. Lesson learnt, no more movies of books for me!

Stupid ideas I have had

I had the most stupid idea the other month. I blithely announced to my dad that I would take the boys up to visit him before school starts. On paper that sounds great, we can have a few days oop north, see the olds, and Mr Babs doesn't even have to come. But on a recent trip to visit some friends this was shown to be a completely head in the clouds idea. The trip was only an hour and a half, and it was a nightmare. The boys constantly asking for things, having to pass food and toys over my shoulder while driving, having to turn round to stop Littl'un #2 wriggling out of his seat, it probably was quite dangerous. We had to stop 3 times for a toilet trip. The trip to dad's is at least 5 hours. Each way. And that is without stopping.

Much as I would love to do it, I think it is going to be too dangerous. Until Littl'un #2 is bigger and can actually ask for what he wants without screaming at me in gibberish I think Mr Babs is going to have to come too.

Unless we sedate the kids...

Anyone have any sleeping pills?

Monkeys

Mr Babs wants to watch the new Planet of the Apes film. I can't think of anything more scary than a film full of angry monkeys! Don't get me wrong, I love monkeys, I used to collect toy monkeys when I was little, and forced my whole family to visit a monkey sanctuary. But nice cute ones that eat nuts out of your hand are a bit different to full size apes chasing you round a shopping mall. Does someone else want to go with him? Please?!

Ring shopping

So we went back to the pushy salesperson shop yesterday to have another look at the rings. Went for one, came out with two! Result!! The pushy lady actually did us quite a good deal, couldn't decide between the two rings, one was much cheaper than the other so she said she'd resize them for free if we got the two, which worked out cheaper than just buying one and paying to resize it. Well, not so much for Mr Babs. But I have two lovely new rings now, I'll have to wear them on alternate days!

Pushy salespeople

It's my, ahem, 21st birthday next week. I decided I want a new ring, we have been watching a lot of Gems TV recently and I like the pretty stones. So I went to our local jewellers where I got a lovely moonstone pendant last year and looked at the rings. I forgot about the odd lady who works there. She did exactly the same thing she did last year. While I was trying on rings, she got one out that was "perfect" for me, and while it was nice, I wasn't that excited about it. But her tone of voice was like "you have to get this one, there is no option". I felt pressured, every other ring I tried on after that caused her to frown and even walk away at one point in disgust! So I made my excuses and legged it. It's like she thought she knew the perfect piece of jewellery for every customer, and she really didn't. To give her credit, it wasn't the most expensive piece they had, so she wasn't doing it for the money, but her sales technique needed a lot of work bless her! I might go back with Mr Babs as back up and get the one I actually liked, even if she tuts at me!

When does summer get here?

I realised the other day that I was mentally making a list of things to do when summer gets here. This includes weeding the garden (again), sorting out the shed, washing the sofa covers so I can get them dry the same day, painting the outside tiles. Then it hit me. It is September next week. I think I missed summer somewhere. I just hope that we get an indian summer in September then we can pretend we had one after all...

You know you are a bad mother...

...when your child thinks the local charity shop is a toy shop.

Tattoos, landfills and falling trees

This week Littl'un #1 has discovered an interest in EVERYTHING. This has resulted in very complicated conversations, you know, the ones you wish you had never started...

Mr Babs has a few tattoos and Littl'un #1 is fascinated by them. He had a fake tattoo and when it washed off he wanted to know why his dad's hadn't. Took a little bit of explaining. Then we asked him what he would have if he was allowed to have a tattoo. "A dinosaur. On my bottom." was his carefully thought out response.

Then when we were changing his brother's nappy he wanted to know what happened to the dirty nappies. I always try to answer him honestly as far as I can. I explained about rubbish bins and landfills and recycling. "And does the poo get recycled?" he wanted to know...

Yesterday the neighbours had some tree people in cutting down their trees. Littl'un wanted to know why they hadn't cut the trees down themselves, after watching me and Mr Babs attacking our trees with a rusty saw and a pair of secateurs last autumn. I thought this would be an answer in itself, but no. So I tried to explain about bigger trees and the danger of them falling over and squashing houses and possibly people. I think I explain a bit much sometimes. So Littl'un then looks at some massive trees at the end of our garden and asks about them falling over. They wouldn't reach the house, I assure him, so we'd be ok. "But they will fall and skid, and come through the window and then through the car" he told me with a look of morbid fascination on his face.

Next time I am going to tell him to google it...

Failed zumba party

Tonight I was supposed to be going to a zumba party. 2 hours of zumba with disco lights. Woo hoo. I was quite looking forward to it. All that had to happen was for Mr Babs to get home before 8 and the boys to go to sleep before 8 too. None of this happened. Any other day of the week, the magic ingredients of no nap in the day, a big dinner, a nice bath, and a bottle of milk would send Littl'un #2 off to sleep in no time. Not tonight, oh no. He was still jumping round the living room half an hour after his bottle. And Littl'un #1 knew that I wanted to go out, so he whined and cried, and basically got his own way as I had to stay in. And Mr Babs rolled home at 8.30 drunk as a skunk, he'd come home via the shops and his brother-in-laws house. This was not in the plan.

So my life as we know it continues. It is all about the boys and poor mum doesn't really get to do anything she wants. And to top it off, I had chinese and wine instead of zumba and now feel really bloated and guilty. But man are those boys going to suffer tomorrow...

Mayflies

For the past few nights my kitchen has been invaded with a mystery flying bug. They sit on the walls and don't move, and look really odd. I ended up taking a picture and submitting it to the Natural History Museum website where there is a forum for bug identification. 5 minutes later an expert on bugs told me they were mayflies, usually found around ponds. That is the best service ever, and who knew there was a bug forum?! I might go out in the garden and find other bugs to submit. But I don't know where they are coming from, we don't have a pond. Now I'm worried we have a subterranean pond under the house and the kitchen is going to fall into it. I shouldn't watch that "Help my house is falling down", it doesn't half make you paranoid!

Bread and fishes

We took the boys to the seaside today, we went to a little fishing village I read about that sounded lovely. It was quaint but a bit strange. I was a bit worried that there wasn't any sand, as son #1 equates "seaside" with "sand" - it all looked a bit stony to me when we first got there, but we asked a local who assured us there was a sandy beach just down the hill. When we found it, it was indeed sandy, And for a Monday lunchtime, extremely busy. It looked like Majorca on the tv when there isn't a patch of sand left for people. But there was also a lot of bread which was very strange. Bread rolls everywhere. And the occasional custard doughnut. You would have assumed for the amount of bread lying around abandoned that there would be seagulls everywhere, divebombing people close to the treasure. But there weren't any to be seen. And all the people were sitting nonchalantly on the sand eating sandwiches, seemingly oblivious to the bread rolls. I really wanted to shout "don't you see them?!" but I didn't. It was like they had all just had a massive bread fight and the minute we rounded the corner gone, "quick, strangers!" and all sat down like they had been there all along.

Riots and rumours

Crikey it has been an odd week here in London. Scary too. Where I live luckily there wasn't really any trouble, a couple of shop windows got smashed but that's not really unusual at the weekends round here! But watching shops burn down in Croydon, minutes from where I used to live, was awful. On Monday night rumours started online that trouble was planned in our town, and then one of our neighbours knocked on doors saying that gangs were roaming round the shops and a shop had already been looted in the next town along. In real time it was terrifying. The only thing we could do was stay in, watch the news, and try and find out what was going on online. Twitter was obviously the main source, but in hindsight it was impossible to tell at the time what was true and what was rumours, and what was just made up. There were reports of Primark being on fire, shops five minutes up the road being looted, lots of things being on fire. The only thing that made me question it was the lack of sirens, and it not being on the news.

The next day it turned out that nothing serious happened, a few idiots breaking a shop window and nicking a bin. It could have been much worse. Then Tuesday afternoon more rumours started. As we had "got away with it" on Monday night, more trouble was planned for Tuesday. We were so worried we didn't go to zumba, the next day I felt really stupid for believing it all. But it is hard to know what to do for the best, go out and get caught in a riot leaving your young kids at home? I think we made the right decision at the time.

But although all this real time communication we have nowadays is brilliant in some ways, in others it makes things worse. Stoking rumours, nobody knowing what to believe, the way the rumours caught on was unbelievable. And once lots of people start reporting the same thing it makes it much more believable. But I think I've learnt a lesson about not always believing what you read, when I was at library school it was one of the basic lessons we learned - check your sources!

Dress disasters

After years of wearing jeans and erm, jeans, I finally bought a dress. It is very pretty and I like it a lot. The first time we go out to a birthday party, I walk through the door and my friend is wearing the same dress. Crap. This comes of only shopping in supermarkets, soon everyone will be dressed exactly the same and there will be no other shops in the world...

And I will still be wearing jeans.

Bubbles

We discovered today that bubble mixture makes marvellous conditioner. This was after son #1 decided to pour his bubble mixture all over his brother's head. Once he had stopped screaming from the soap in his eyes, and his hair was sud free and dry, it was super soft and lovely! I might try that next time I wash my hair. Can I patent it do you think?

Really big inappropriateness...

And you know, I forgot the MOST inappropriate thing my Inappropriate Relative did recently. We had a family funeral and were just about to leave the house to go to it. In a room full of male relatives, a few women ones, and her 18 year old daughter, she came out with "does anyone else need a sanitary pad, I just gave one to Poppy". Not only mortifying all the men in the room, and grossing out the women, but her poor poor daughter! What an age to be paraded round the room for having your period. She might as well as put a big red cross on her top. But then every time we see her she has to mention periods. I tell Mr Babs that it is her way of telling him that she is still fertile if he feels like impregnating her. He isn't amused...

Chilli peppers in awkward places...

We had the Inappropriate Relative down again. This time I thought we had got away without any offensive conversation. I did as I was putting the boy to bed. Hubby didn't. As he told me afterwards, with a look of horror in his eyes...

Chatting about cooking with chillies, Inappropriate Relative came up with this little gem. "Be careful when cooking with chillies, if you touch your eyes it hurts. It's even worse if you touch yourself DOWN THERE."

I cannot imagine what Mr Babs face looked like at this!! The poor man will have nightmares for weeks.

Olympics

Does anyone want to rent my house out for an exorbitent fee while the Olympics are on? Only a 15 minute train journey to the games.

I am so sick of it already I'm moving to Timbuktoo for the duration.

Music for boys

So recently Littl'un has developed an interest in music, displayed by random dancing to adverts and humming when the radio is on in the car. His favourites so far are:

Foo Fighters - Walk (he calls this the Wee Wee Song as on the video someone wets their pants)
Neon Trees - Animal
Automatic - Monster
Killers - All the things I've done

It's hard to know what to play for him, this is basically my taste. Someone up the school said to buy him one of those awful Now compilations (must be up to 603 by now?!) but I don't know if I can stand years of listening to Beyonce or Justin Bieber. Oh he likes the Darkness too, but he knows that from the womb!

It is so sweet when he's sitting in the car and suddenly starts singing along and actually knows the words! Remind me of this when there is godawful music coming from his bedroom and I'm moaning about the guitar being played badly :)

Zumba!!!

At zumba last night we had some new people. Waiting outside in line were two middle aged couples, who clearly didn't know what they were getting into. Most people are in sweat pants and vests (though one girl was in a most ill advised bikini top and wrap around skirt - with THOSE thighs?!), and it's mostly girls. One of the men was in jeans, a clean white shirt and smart white trainers. The other man had made more of an effort in jogging pants and a t-shirt. The women had sandals on, which aren't great for leaping around. Anyway, they followed us in and stood at the back. The man in the shirt legged it half way through the first song! The others made a game attempt and did last the hour, and one of the women told me afterwards that they'd dragged their husbands along in an attempt to "do something together". I thought you took up line dancing or salsa lessons if you are trying to spice up your marriage, not sweaty jumpy zumba! The poor bloke, I suspect he will be having zumba dreams for quite a while to come :)

Nature corridor

Apparently the roundabout at the bottom of our road, which is in the midst of an extremely busy 5 way intersection, is now classified as a "nature corridor" into town. This is because they have planted some pansies on it. Hilarious!

Money money money

[Sorry this is probably an angry ranty post, ignore if you like!]

I am SO sick of not having any money. Every month the prices of food, bills, running a car etc etc go up and up and the money hubby brings in doesn't change every month. It is getting ridiculous. I am so sick of never being able to treat the boys, we had to think long and hard about taking Littl'un to the cinema which he really wants to do as he's never been before. It only costs £1.25 on a Saturday morning! And yes, I know it's all self-inflicted. I gave up work to have kids, if I was working full time we'd be fine. But I'm not. And if I was, all our money would go on childcare. Thinking long term, it's only for a few years, in 3 years Littl'un #2 will be in full-time school and I can go back to work. But then I've got to try and get a term-time only, school hours job and there aren't many of them around. I can't go back to being a librarian easily, unless I find a school librarian job.

I have no idea how my parents coped, and my mum isn't around to ask. When we were kids we went on holidays to Cornwall for 2 weeks every year, and got ice creams when we wanted, and I don't remember ever being turned down when I asked for something. Maybe my dad had a side job as a hitman or something! Or maybe they budgeted better than I seem to be able to. We barely get to the end of the month before running out of money. And that's just buying food. And beer for hubby but he can't give everything up! We never go out anymore and the likelihood of a holiday in the next 5 years is very remote.

It's just so miserable. I don't want my boys' main memory of being young being asking for things and being told "we don't have enough money" constantly. Most of our money goes on the mortgage and then bills which are going up constantly, soon I'm going to throw the gas cooker out and cook on a bonfire outside. And we are keeping the car going at the moment but that might have to go too, and then we'd never have the cash to buy another one. Crap. Maybe I should start a job as an online psychic or something. Something I can do from home. What is the most money in? 

Sorry for moaning. I feel much better now. I'm going to go and spend 50p on some sweets for the kid!

Single mums

Back in the park again over the weekend I had the pleasure of overhearing these conversations. To set the scene, there were 2 girls, probably about 17 or 18 at a guess. One, let's call her Tracey, had 2 kids, one new baby about 3 months wedged into a swing in full view of the sun, another older kid asleep in a buggy. Her mate, let's say Britney, had a toddler, who for most of the time was running around being totally ignored by her mother.

Tracey, when first encountered is on the phone: "Alright babes, how's it goin? Yeah? Sweet. Listen, it's a luvverly day 'ere, 'ow about we meet up tomorrow, have a day of it like a real family? No? You're real busy? Alright, no worries....erm....do you fink you will want to stay over tonight? ...No? No worries, see ya".

Then Britney comes over. Tracey says to her: "ow's about we meet up again tomorrow? Be nice for the kids, 'eh?". Britney pauses and says, "Oh I dunno. I've never spent a whole day wiv me boyfriend before and he says he can see me tomorrow." 

Poor Tracey looks crestfallen. Those poor kids have no chance. No chance at all. And I really wanted to turn round to them and say "your boyfriends are just using you for sex whenever they want, and you keep getting bloody pregnant, what is wrong with you?!?!". 

Maybe it's me who is wrong? This world is going mad. We went to a different park yesterday and I had to intervene three times with kids who kept pushing in and wouldn't let Littl'un take his turn on things when he was patiently queuing up. And there was no sign of the parents, probably a good thing or I would have got in an argument probably :)

Girls with big knickers

I went to the park after school yesterday with the boys and their mates, they ranged between 1 and 8. We went in the swings which is supposed to be for kids aged under 10 to be greeted with some older school girls. I would hate to try and guess how old they were but with the language and the general attitude I would hazard they were over 10. Anyway, they were on the big swings when we first got there so we ignored them and the boys were playing and having fun. Then next time I looked the girls were sitting on the roundabout legs akimbo flashing their knickers to everyone, and they weren't little girls if you get my meaning, jesus one of them had to be about 14 stones. It wasn't very nice but they obviously thought they were the bees' knees and were giving us all a treat to be allowed to look at their chubby legs! Nice. Then the babies wanted to go on the baby swings only to be confronted with one of the girls wedged into one of them and another sitting on one which was creaking alarmingly. 2 babies with us went in the remaining swings and my littl'un stood looking beseechingly at them to let him have a go - the clue was in the name, "baby swings". I was mentally preparing myself for an argument when fatso prised herself out of the swing (it took a while) and they loped off to lounge about on something else. 

If my boys go to school and there are girls like that there I don't know what I'd do. I might have to home school them. I never swore in front of little kids or stopped them playing. And what is going on when me and the other mums who are all at least 15 years older than the girls worry about saying anything to them?! They probably had knives in their big knickers. Hell they probably had a whole cutlery set, there was room :)

Teacher can see EVERYTHING...

It appears that Littl'un has an unholy fear of his teacher catching him doing anything naughty. He came home from school with a cake that was supposed to be for Mother's Day. When we got home it looked a bit manky so I generously said he could have it. Next time I looked round he was sitting squashed under the window stuffing the cake as fast as he could. When I asked what he was doing he said "I don't want Mrs Smith to see me!" like he really thought she would be looking through the window to check! Apparently at school they planted a seed of terror in the little mites should they attempt to eat the cakes made for their mummies! This fear of Mrs Smith works wonders, anytime he does anything naughty I threaten to phone her or tell her when I see her next and he really doesn't want that! I wish I could wield the power of a teacher, he doesn't listen to me at all!

Gardening and ghosts

Most of the last month has involved fighting the weeds in the garden (again). It took 3 weeks but it looks lovely now. The highlight was when I was bent over weeding and heard a loud noise and then a pigeon landed on my back! I really can't have been working hard enough if it mistook me for a bird table!

Both the kids have been loving running round the garden (quite often in the buff) but Littl'un #1 has decided to start seeing things in the garden too. The other day I was in the kitchen and he started screaming his head off like he'd broken his leg. I rushed out to be told "there was a ghost all in white walking between the sheds" and he was literally terrified. I thought it might be a random carrier bag blowing in the wind, but there was nothing there. Not that I could see anyway! His imagination has gone wild recently, he's seeing things everywhere. And it seems we have ghosts upstairs and now in the garden. Lovely.

Littl'un #2 loves the garden too. His idea of heaven is to sit in the soil and throw it over his head until he looks like a soil monster. Every day. He eats it too. This may explain why he has gone off his food recently...

Rubbish blogger

Jeez I haven't posted for ages. I am sure something exciting must have happened in my life since the last post. Erm let me think...

Ah yes! The house 2 doors down was busted as a cannabis factory. They gave it away as we were all getting high in the back garden. It was VERY exciting, my neighbour phoned the rozzers who turned up in lots of vans and took the perp away in handcuffs. Now there is nothing going on really, the house is empty and unloved, even from crims.

Life sorting out 2 small boys goes on much as usual except the smaller one is getting bolshier and even though he can't speak he is doing a fine job of pointing and grunting to get what he wants, and attempting to beat his brother up. This is hilarious at the moment but I have a vision of the future and it mainly involves black eyes and fisticuffs. And the small one will be the one giving the black eyes.

We all had a super lovely day on the beach with Lady Librarian. It was so hot and the beach was lovely and we had a beach hut and everything. That may have been our holiday for the year sadly, but it was so worth it!

After 6 years we repainted the kitchen and realised just how grimy 6 years of pretty poor cleaning can make a place look. It looks lovely now and I am determined to degrime the kitchen at least once a year, not every 6!

I entered a kids' story competition which is now being judged and I veer between extreme confidence and extreme pessimism. If we win we are so going on holiday. And I may even buy new shoes! Whoo!

We met a horse who had a thing about baby buggies. The cars shooting past him were fine, the buggy was a problem. I dread to think what caused this phobia!

Bloody hell I can't remember what the hell we have been doing. The drugs bust is the news of the year so far! Oh that, and the possibility that a house down the road is also a bordello. Life in Essex is never dull...

English for 4 year olds...

Littl'un has decided to start talking like he is just learning English as a second language. Here are a few examples:

"I have been a good boy, yes?"

"Erm, you have forgotten something, no?"

"I think I will stay up tonight and not go to bed, yes?"

"I can have some chocolate, yes?"

It is very offputting when you just want to laugh at him! He always tries it on when he wants something he knows he won't be allowed to have, it's quite a clever tactic. Put me on the back foot as it makes me laugh then I'm more likely to back down. No?!

Mechanics

So I think I have finally got wise to the wiles of mechanics. Our car had to go in for mot/service the other day and I know as I take it in with the kids they think they are on to a winner. For the second year in a row I got a phone call saying all this work had to be done "urgently" and then they quoted me a ridiculous price to do it all . Now we have no money I just laugh at them. If it passed the mot then the other stuff isn't that bad surely? I laughed at the man this time and said "write me a list and we'll do it over the next few months". At another garage. Funny as last year they told me the brakes were about to fail, it was REALLY IMPORTANT I get them fixed, but I forgot all about it and this year they didn't even mention them! Honestly. I have no trust in mechanics really, which is scary, I assume they are trying to make a fast buck on my naivety, but what if they were right and the car blew up when I was driving it?! It's a chance I'm willing to take!

If only I had my camera...

I persuaded Mr Babs to take the boys to a local park yesterday as it was the weekend and all. I didn't anticipate it would be quite as muddy as it was. But we persevered and made it round relatively mud free. Until we were about 10 metres from a nice clean path that led back to the car. Mr Babs decided to chase after Littl'un while carrying Baby Babs, slipped, did a very complicated body swerve to avoid landing on top of Baby Babs and then landed bum first in a big muddy puddle. It was hilarious! Luckily nothing was injured apart from Mr Babs's ego. But if only I had my camera ready, we could have definitely made £250 on You've been framed! Even with all the "well THAT was a good idea for an afternoon out" comments all the way home and the extra washing when we got there, it was so worth it!

I NEED a wee!!

Yesterday Littl'un went for a wee and discovered someone was already in the bathroom with the door locked. Instead of knocking and saying he REALLY needed to go, he just wee'd up the door instead. I had to applaud his efforts to make the best of a bad situation, perhaps he thought it would flood under the door and into the toilet!

Pretend Jacob has a birthday!

Yesterday Pretend Jacob had a birthday party. Littl'un pretended to invite his cousins, two friends from school, announced that "babies weren't allowed" (ie his brother) and they all had a party on the sofa. I asked how old Pretend Jacob was - he is 5 apparently. As Littl'un is only 4 this worries me, I thought they'd be the same age but Pretend Jacob actually has his own persona. I am a bit scared to ask what he looks like...

Kids!

Yesterday at tea-time Littl'un announced "Mum, you are the best cook in the world!". Bless him. He really has nothing to compare me to, which is a good thing!  In the night he also had a nightmare that he got lost and couldn't find me, he was really upset. He does love me! He drives me mad most of the time, but he's a sweetie really! And his little brother has taken to screaming really loudly to get any attention, I think he is going to be trouble...

Surviving the relatives

So I survived the visit from my Inappropriate Relative relatively unscathed. Typically as I was poised to strike, there was little in the way of inappropriate behaviour. I almost said something about telling the boys off - that is MY job! - but I think the death stares I resorted to (courtesy of the pill rage) did the trick very well. IR was very well behaved and we almost enjoyed the visit. One difference was that no alcohol was drunk, it made such a difference you wouldn't have believed it! I think that is the clue, if we have trouble next time I'm keeping an AA leaflet at the ready to hand out! It's also something to do with having to be the centre of attention, and this time no other relatives were involved so there was no-one to show off to. I am still ready to strike next time though!

Pirate rage

And when I was in the doctor's asking advice (basically "stop taking the pill" - gee thanks), a little boy was in there with a lego pirate. He had lost his little pirate hat somewhere in the surgery and everything stopped until someone found it. At least they appreciate pirates at my doctors!

No sex please we're British

So I started a new pill last week. In the space of just over a week I have had the following side-effects:

Uncontrolled rage
Depression
Dizzy spells
Blurred vision (especially handy when doing 70mph in the fast lane with 2 kids in the back)
Massive appetite
Spots

So I can conclude that as a contraceptive it is doing a blinding job. Mr Babs doesn't dare even look at me at the moment!

The Brits

I caught the last hour of the Brits tonight and for the first time in a long time (well since they axed Top of the Pops) the music acts actually seemed like they were playing live, and that they were having a lovely time! Of course, it probably was all amazing miming, surely nobody is allowed to perform live anymore, but it looked good and took me back to the good old days of wondering if dangerous drugged up musicians trusted with microphones were going to swear!

And the one good thing about the night was that Take That didn't bring along the naked bottoms. Though I didn't see all of it, they might have been on early! I have escaped Take That for at least a month, I didn't automatically recoil when they came on the tv! Result.

And I love Arcarde Fire. But I haven't actually bought their album yet, I got Kings of Leon instead and I am ashamed. Sorry lovely Arcarde Fire. I will, I will. That is all.

Families

We thought we'd escaped another visit from my Inappropriate Relative for a while after two visits in the last two months. Then last night we got a phone call announcing another visit. Next week for half term. And this is despite me saying we had lots of plans with Littl'un's friends and were busy all week. "Oh, we'll just fit round you" was the response. I am not cancelling any plans, with school now it is so hard to find the time to do anything fun, and I had plans for a couple of lazy days where we didn't even have to leave the house. Now that is all down the toilet. 

I have decided it is time to bite the bullet and actually say something. We have bitten our tongues for well over 10 years, more recently since we had the boys and they come down every other month (or more!). The problem is it is my stepmother. It makes it all the more complicated. But my dad manages to totally ignore all her bad behaviour, so maybe it is my time to cause some trouble. We can't keep on living like this, dreading the next visit and then moaning about it for weeks after!! If I cause offense it's about bloody time. I just don't want to hurt my dad.

If anyone has any advice for me, how do you tell your dad his wife is a nightmare?! And that they are not visiting every time we have some time off!! I know they want to see their grandkids (not that I count her as their grandma really!), but perhaps their dad and me might like to spend some time with them too - just us! Is that too much to ask?!

Clear as mud

It was our wedding anniversary last weekend, 6 long years (only joking!) and the highlight was sending Littl'un to his nan's for the weekend to give us some peace for a change (not joking!). Anyway, when he came back he asked what the cards were for, and I thought I explained quite clearly about weddings and anniversaries. He looked like he got it. Then half an hour later he said "mummy, why did you and daddy get married when I was at nannies?" Bless his little heart, he looked quite upset!

Then yesterday he was messing around with my mobile which was locked and said "look mummy, 999!" - luckily it didn't dial automatically so I was able to cancel it. I thought again I explained quite well about calling 999 if there is ever an emergency - he's 4 now, he should be able to phone for help if I knock  myself out with the iron or something! Then when we got home from school he said "can I phone the firemen now?". It's a slippery slope to arson in the bedroom just to see a fire engine...

And I really need to work on my explanations!

Eurovision

So who in the name of Terry Wogan decided they would let Blue represent us this year? And write the song?! Jesus Christ we have no chance. At all. They should have gone with Wagner. Unless Blue sleep with the whole of Europe between now and May, we really have zero chance. Though that isn't too unrealistic is it?!

Pardon?!

And another "highlight" of the weekend was my inappropriate relative. We were just sitting down to dinner, me and Mr Babs had a tikka masala curry which has a very bright red sauce. As we were just about to tuck in, she looked straight at Mr Babs and said "oh I wasn't getting a cold earlier, it was the OTHER thing" and pointed at her crotch. EEEWWWWW!! Who in their right mind refers to their periods at mealtimes, or even AT ALL in polite company?!?! And we didn't even know she thought she was getting a cold as she spent most of the day hungover. At a child's birthday party. Then she told another member of the family that they needed to go for a number two straight after dinner!!

I could go on, but I need to go and have a cry...

Terrible fours

The minute Littl'un turned 4 he turned into Devil Child! Honestly. By breakfast time I had nearly cancelled all the festivities. He walked into the lounge, looked at all the pirate banners and balloons and said "why are they all pirates?" And that was just the start of it. His nan says it is as he is getting all the attention for a change, which makes me feel quite guilty, but honestly, it makes me glad we didn't decide to keep him as an only child. He started calming down on Sunday when everyone left, and is kind of back to normal. It could also have been all the sweets and cake! Luckily they are all banned now :)

He is so not having a birthday next year. They are cancelled.

Birthdays

Littl'un turns 4 tomorrow, bless him he is SO excited! This morning he said "I can't actually wait any longer for my birthday". Hee hee! As he said he was into pirates, he has a lot of pirate related stuff - I just blew up 18 pirate balloons and feel a bit sick. But last night when I was taking him up to bed I said "what do you really want for your birthday?" and he said:

"a green twisty frog thing"

to which I said "where have you seen one of those?" and he said "I haven't. You have to find one".

I hope he is ok with pirates still :)

Zumba

So I went to my first Zumba class last night. It was an experience. Firstly, when me and my friend went to leave  the house the car was frozen solid. Once defrosted we got there and I reversed the car into someone else. Thankfully he was fine about it, bless him. Then we parked up, and the class was full. All the women from miles around seemed to have turned up. So we went home and had to go back again an hour later, as the instructor said she would do another class afterwards, bless her. It was bleeding hard work, but fun, so we will go back. But I can feel it today, it is the first proper exercise I have done in I don't know how many years! At least I didn't keel over!

Glee

The new series of Glee started last week and I was really looking forward to it. Until I watched it. It seems it has fallen victim to the "Successful Show Gets More Money" syndrome. When they sing the voices are so doctored it doesn't actually seem like it is them singing anymore. It is ridiculous. Surely they could sing last season, they are even doing it live (or are they?!) on stage. It is SO irritating. It put me off watching any more of it, but luckily Sue Sylvester is still really evil so I will watch it for her and just mute the songs. Why do they have to do it? It's like watching an episode of the X Factor with the voice machine they use to make them all sound better. Glee, I am ashamed of you.

Pirates treasure!

Littl'un turns 4 next week. Don't ask me where the last 4 years have gone, I have no idea. Anyway, he's into pirates at the moment. We have got him a brilliant pirate ship and I did a blinder on ebay and got loads of Playmobil pirates, monkeys, parrots, treasure chests and all kinds of stuff to go with the ship. And sadly in my excitement to see what I (well he) got when it came in the post yesterday, I broke a bit. Already. I can't be trusted! I was trying to see what was in a treasure chest and didn't realise it has a nifty catch so you can lock it. So I wrested it open and broke the catch. Crap. The lady who sold it and her kids looked after it all so beautifully, and 5 minutes in my possession and I've broken it. I can't say anything to Littl'un if he does anything to them when he gets them!

Hopefully daddy can fix it in time for the birthday. I am more excited at playing with it all than Littl'un will be probably! It is so cool. I was going "look! monkeys! parrots!! treasure!!" and Baby Babs was just looking at me like I was crazy. I should have been a boy.

Doggie

This morning Baby Babs (1) decided he was going to try climbing up the sofa like it was Everest. His brother (3) sighed like a long-suffering father and said "That baby is worse than the dog!". Then we all did a big sigh as we don't have a dog anymore, maybe we can have an imaginary one to go with Pretend Jacob! Pretend Max! That works for me!

Droll expectant fathers

And the best bit of One Born Every Minute was the odd boyfriend of an 18 year old girl who was waiting to give birth. They were listening to a woman in the next room screaming like she was being murdered, and the poor girl said to him "if she's a grown woman and she's screaming like that, how am I going to cope?" Without batting an eyelid he said, "she's probably only 14". Genius!

One Born Every Minute

So series 2 of One Born Every Minute started the other day. Considering the subject matter (women giving birth, with ALL the gore and stuff you really don't need to see if you have never had a baby and were thinking of doing so) it really is compulsive viewing. But maybe it is more so if you have been there and done that, so you can scoff at the woman who screamed like a train, or go "it never happens like that!" at the girl who just breathed and the baby popped out.

The thing that gets me is why these women agree to have the experience filmed and shown to the world. When I was having baby #2, at a critical moment a smiley nurse popped her head in and chirped up with "Would you mind if I bring a bunch of medical students in to watch?" and was given a lot of cursing in reply. Which basically meant "yes I would mind". I couldn't imagine it! It's bad enough having your bits on show to the midwife and your husband, never mind 10 goggle eyed students! And what would happen when the baby finally showed up? A round of applause? Photos on their blackberries?! And I bet one of them would have been sneakily filming it. No thank you.

Pretend Jacob turns nasty

The other day Littl'un breezily announced that Pretend Jacob was going to be living with us from now on. "Oh?," I said, "what happened to his parents?"

"They died"

"How did they die?"

"Pretend Jacob killed them"

Uh huh? But it was all ok, the next day he announced that they weren't dead, they just had broken arms.

Remind me not to cross Pretend Jacob! And you would think Littl'un was playing violent games unsuitable for his age the way his imagination is going! Peppa Pig isn't THAT violent is it?!

Doggie disaster

So over Christmas (which was lovely, went too quick, I am now depressed) - I accused Mr Babs of being boring and never doing anything. Which looking back now, was a REALLY stupid thing to do! This led to a catalogue of events that swayed from excitement, happiness, shock and then heartbreak. The repercussions may last for years. So what happened?

1) Mr Babs suggested visiting an animal rescue centre for something to do in the holidays. 

2) Of course we all fell for a lovely dog and decided to bring him home. Mr Babs has always wanted a dog, this dog needed a home, be good for the kids etc etc.

3) They came to visit the house, announced it was fine for doggie. Much excitement as we went to buy doggie accessories in preparation for the new arrival.

4) Max Doggie as he was christened arrived on Friday afternoon. 

5) Max Doggie was VERY boisterous. Fine outside,  but in the house, a little whirlwind. Baby Babs (aged 1) reacted very badly to the new family member, cried constantly, was very averse to being humped while crawling across the floor, and generally without being able to speak let us know he wasn't happy.

6) Toddler Babs (aged 3) while being generally enthusiastic about getting a dog was fed up after about an hour when every time he moved the dog leapt on him and he was bigger than Toddler Babs.

7) We realised very quickly that we were not going to be able to keep him, with 2 kids I couldn't train him by myself, he needed a lot of training, and the kids just weren't going to be able to cope.

8) 24 hours later he was back in the kennels.

And we were all heartbroken. Even after just 1 day we had bonded with Max Doggie and it was so sad to send him back, we cried buckets. I feel guilty still, and wish we had known what we were getting into. But as Toddler Babs wisely said to his broken hearted Daddy: "next time Daddy, we should get a VERY SMALL DOG". Wise words indeed llittl'un.