So after my slagging off of Dwayne and Jordan and all their clones, I found myself at 1pm last Wednesday afternoon having a fight with a 6ft builder. How did that happen? I normally don’t provoke arguments or talk to strange CRIMINALS. But this one couldn’t get away. You see, I was making my own way home and I had such trouble trying to buy my train ticket (being the good honest citizen I am, but then again my hips wouldn’t let me jump the barriers) and then when I eventually got back to my station this sleazy guy in sweatpants breezed through the barrier straight after me. I saw it happening but I was too late to pull back and let him try it on some other law-abiding person. So what to do? Normally in central London they’re long gone while you’re considering your options. But matey? He was casually sauntering along in front of me, smug as you like and I wasn’t having it. I asked him what was wrong with the ticket he had in his hand and he tried fobbing me off with some sob story about the ticket not working and not wanting to ask the guards to let him through. Then he waved the ticket at me in the pretence of being honest, and in huge bold letters it said “child”. “You’re not a child” I said, and then he started: “'Ave you got an 'usband? Get your 'usband down here and I’ll hav' it out wiv 'im”. To which he got: “I don’t need my husband to sort you out!” That did the trick. Having some 5ft and a bit librarian (and I was looking particularly librarian-y that day) shouting at him and wagging her finger vigorously to emphasise his crimes seemed to nonplus him. I don’t think he’ll be travelling without a ticket ever again. In fact it wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d gone straight back to the station and begged to be allowed to pay for years of fare-dodging.
Just beware anyone with criminal tendencies. You might meet me on a sunny afternoon. Then you’ve had it.
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