Welcome to Essex...

So sad as it may seem, I am now an Essex girl. Not by choice you understand, but because we could afford our lovely house here. And it's not been bad round here, if you avoid the town centre on a Saturday you don't see many chavs and avoid the excesses of Essexdom. The neighbours are lovely and we have a chip shop right round the corner and about ten million takeaways send us menus every day, we have so many we could eat at a different place for about a month without repeating ourselves. So far so good. But Saturday night we were rudely awakened by a typical Essex boy/girl fight right under our window. This is how it went (you have to imagine an Essex accent, kind of like Birds of a Feather, and really loud and getting louder in the sweary bits):

Dwayne: (I didn't catch his name but this sounds about right): "Oi! Youf broken me 'eart you fuckin' slag."

Jordan: "It was a mistake Dwayne, I'm really sorry"

Dwayne: "You SLAG you big fat SLAG"

Jordan: "Aw Dwayne, I made a mistake, can't we leave it? I really really luv yah"

Dwayne: "Feck off slag"

Jordan: "Dwayne, if you leave me now I'm gonna kill meself. I mean it!"

Dwayne: "!!!"

Jordan: "Come back Dwayne! COME BACK!! AAAGGGHHHHH!!!"

Dwayne: "Oh you fuckin' slag, I'm gonna ring your mam and tell her what a slag you are"

Jordan: "No! You'd better not fone me mam, fuck off Dwayne, I never wanna see you again"

[Sound of mobile being thrown and smashing into bits by the lamppost across the road]

Jordan: "No!! Not me fone Dwayne! I love ya Dwayne!"

Man in flat across the road: "Will you two sod off?!!"

Dwayne: "Right! I'm gonna come back wiv all me mates and get you! What do ya fink you are doin' looking' at me?"

And on and on. I would love to know what happened to them and if Dwayne eventually forgave Jordan. It didn't help that as I didn't dare look out of the window, I had an image of Vicky Pollard and Eminem in my head when I was listening to them. Then we were woken up by the Beach Boys being played at full volume by the crazy lesbian next door when her mum went to church in the morning. Earplugs at the ready next weekend...