Birthdays

Littl'un turns 4 tomorrow, bless him he is SO excited! This morning he said "I can't actually wait any longer for my birthday". Hee hee! As he said he was into pirates, he has a lot of pirate related stuff - I just blew up 18 pirate balloons and feel a bit sick. But last night when I was taking him up to bed I said "what do you really want for your birthday?" and he said:

"a green twisty frog thing"

to which I said "where have you seen one of those?" and he said "I haven't. You have to find one".

I hope he is ok with pirates still :)

Zumba

So I went to my first Zumba class last night. It was an experience. Firstly, when me and my friend went to leave  the house the car was frozen solid. Once defrosted we got there and I reversed the car into someone else. Thankfully he was fine about it, bless him. Then we parked up, and the class was full. All the women from miles around seemed to have turned up. So we went home and had to go back again an hour later, as the instructor said she would do another class afterwards, bless her. It was bleeding hard work, but fun, so we will go back. But I can feel it today, it is the first proper exercise I have done in I don't know how many years! At least I didn't keel over!

Glee

The new series of Glee started last week and I was really looking forward to it. Until I watched it. It seems it has fallen victim to the "Successful Show Gets More Money" syndrome. When they sing the voices are so doctored it doesn't actually seem like it is them singing anymore. It is ridiculous. Surely they could sing last season, they are even doing it live (or are they?!) on stage. It is SO irritating. It put me off watching any more of it, but luckily Sue Sylvester is still really evil so I will watch it for her and just mute the songs. Why do they have to do it? It's like watching an episode of the X Factor with the voice machine they use to make them all sound better. Glee, I am ashamed of you.

Pirates treasure!

Littl'un turns 4 next week. Don't ask me where the last 4 years have gone, I have no idea. Anyway, he's into pirates at the moment. We have got him a brilliant pirate ship and I did a blinder on ebay and got loads of Playmobil pirates, monkeys, parrots, treasure chests and all kinds of stuff to go with the ship. And sadly in my excitement to see what I (well he) got when it came in the post yesterday, I broke a bit. Already. I can't be trusted! I was trying to see what was in a treasure chest and didn't realise it has a nifty catch so you can lock it. So I wrested it open and broke the catch. Crap. The lady who sold it and her kids looked after it all so beautifully, and 5 minutes in my possession and I've broken it. I can't say anything to Littl'un if he does anything to them when he gets them!

Hopefully daddy can fix it in time for the birthday. I am more excited at playing with it all than Littl'un will be probably! It is so cool. I was going "look! monkeys! parrots!! treasure!!" and Baby Babs was just looking at me like I was crazy. I should have been a boy.

Doggie

This morning Baby Babs (1) decided he was going to try climbing up the sofa like it was Everest. His brother (3) sighed like a long-suffering father and said "That baby is worse than the dog!". Then we all did a big sigh as we don't have a dog anymore, maybe we can have an imaginary one to go with Pretend Jacob! Pretend Max! That works for me!

Droll expectant fathers

And the best bit of One Born Every Minute was the odd boyfriend of an 18 year old girl who was waiting to give birth. They were listening to a woman in the next room screaming like she was being murdered, and the poor girl said to him "if she's a grown woman and she's screaming like that, how am I going to cope?" Without batting an eyelid he said, "she's probably only 14". Genius!

One Born Every Minute

So series 2 of One Born Every Minute started the other day. Considering the subject matter (women giving birth, with ALL the gore and stuff you really don't need to see if you have never had a baby and were thinking of doing so) it really is compulsive viewing. But maybe it is more so if you have been there and done that, so you can scoff at the woman who screamed like a train, or go "it never happens like that!" at the girl who just breathed and the baby popped out.

The thing that gets me is why these women agree to have the experience filmed and shown to the world. When I was having baby #2, at a critical moment a smiley nurse popped her head in and chirped up with "Would you mind if I bring a bunch of medical students in to watch?" and was given a lot of cursing in reply. Which basically meant "yes I would mind". I couldn't imagine it! It's bad enough having your bits on show to the midwife and your husband, never mind 10 goggle eyed students! And what would happen when the baby finally showed up? A round of applause? Photos on their blackberries?! And I bet one of them would have been sneakily filming it. No thank you.

Pretend Jacob turns nasty

The other day Littl'un breezily announced that Pretend Jacob was going to be living with us from now on. "Oh?," I said, "what happened to his parents?"

"They died"

"How did they die?"

"Pretend Jacob killed them"

Uh huh? But it was all ok, the next day he announced that they weren't dead, they just had broken arms.

Remind me not to cross Pretend Jacob! And you would think Littl'un was playing violent games unsuitable for his age the way his imagination is going! Peppa Pig isn't THAT violent is it?!

Doggie disaster

So over Christmas (which was lovely, went too quick, I am now depressed) - I accused Mr Babs of being boring and never doing anything. Which looking back now, was a REALLY stupid thing to do! This led to a catalogue of events that swayed from excitement, happiness, shock and then heartbreak. The repercussions may last for years. So what happened?

1) Mr Babs suggested visiting an animal rescue centre for something to do in the holidays. 

2) Of course we all fell for a lovely dog and decided to bring him home. Mr Babs has always wanted a dog, this dog needed a home, be good for the kids etc etc.

3) They came to visit the house, announced it was fine for doggie. Much excitement as we went to buy doggie accessories in preparation for the new arrival.

4) Max Doggie as he was christened arrived on Friday afternoon. 

5) Max Doggie was VERY boisterous. Fine outside,  but in the house, a little whirlwind. Baby Babs (aged 1) reacted very badly to the new family member, cried constantly, was very averse to being humped while crawling across the floor, and generally without being able to speak let us know he wasn't happy.

6) Toddler Babs (aged 3) while being generally enthusiastic about getting a dog was fed up after about an hour when every time he moved the dog leapt on him and he was bigger than Toddler Babs.

7) We realised very quickly that we were not going to be able to keep him, with 2 kids I couldn't train him by myself, he needed a lot of training, and the kids just weren't going to be able to cope.

8) 24 hours later he was back in the kennels.

And we were all heartbroken. Even after just 1 day we had bonded with Max Doggie and it was so sad to send him back, we cried buckets. I feel guilty still, and wish we had known what we were getting into. But as Toddler Babs wisely said to his broken hearted Daddy: "next time Daddy, we should get a VERY SMALL DOG". Wise words indeed llittl'un.

Strict mothers!

Speaking of which, I will probably end up being the strictest mother on the block. My nephew is 8 and coming home from school all the boys around his age were on about what they were playing on the computer the night before. Mostly Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty. Both of which are 18 certificates. It shocked me to be honest, all these "little" boys (they won't thank me for that! But they ARE 8!!) playing games like that - what are their parents doing?! I tell you this, my boys will not be playing things like that until they are actually the right age - but then their mates will all be on about it and my two won't have a clue what with being stuck with Disney dvds and Spongebob games! They will be pariahs! It is very hard being a parent, it's so hard to be strict and not just give in. 

And at school this afternoon, a little girl who was just walking was toddling round while her mum was oblivious to her, gossiping with her mates. She had a packet of Walkers crisps (which mine never had till much later as they are choking hazards don't you know!) and kept dropping them in the slushy dirty snow and then picking them up and eating them. It was all I could do not to rush up and stop her! If she gets sick her mum will probably go "I have no idea how she caught it". But to be honest, she probably picks up worse at home! Fags or cans of Special Brew.

Shit. I think I am a snob. No I'm not really, I'm just the Strictest Mother in Essex! Beware my children, beware!

Christmas blackmail

So in a (probably) vain attempt to get Littl'un to sleep in his own bed all night we told him that Santa wouldn't leave him any presents if he isn't in his own bed when he comes, as he'll think he isn't there. This could backfire spectacularly if he doesn't stay put. Do I then not give him his presents?! Of course not, I'm not THAT cruel! Though I may hide them for an hour or two :) This has already backfired in a way as he got all worried about his friend who has gone to his grandparents for Christmas. "How will Santa know where he is?" he asked and then "how will Santa know I have a little brother now?!" Bless, it is lovely his concern for others! It'll be a shame when he doesn't believe anymore and just tuts or grunts when he opens his very expensive computer games/consoles/mp3 players in a few years...

Babies!

Littl'un #2 turned 1 on Monday last week. By Wednesday the same week he was walking. That boy wants to grow up too quick! If I don't watch him, by February he'll be trying to drive and get a girlfriend...

Spoilers part 2

So in the next episode of the program I was watching avidly (Any Human Heart if you're interested), right at the end the main character was hit by a van. It was out of the blue, really shocking, and then it ended. So to a week of wondering "did he live? was he badly hurt?" and anticipation of the next episode? No. They cut to a clip of him sitting in hospital looking chipper. I know it's based on a book and most people might have read it and know what's coming, but I didn't. It was a really good program but totally ruined by the idiot people who thought it would be a good idea to show most of the next episode at the end of the last one. Idiots.

Naked men!

So I was watching the Royal Variety last night, some of it was quite entertaining. But at the end Take That (is there anything they haven't  been on?) sang standing on a stage surrounded by loads of men wearing nude coloured pants. And everytime they bent over the camera panned from the back of the stage and we were greeted with a sea of naked bottoms!! How bizarre was that?! And Littl'un had woken up and come downstairs and I thought "what harm can the show do? It's a family entertainment show isn't it?" Apparently not. Explaining that one to him was quite interesting...

X Factor

OMG I am SO cross about the X Factor tonight! I don't even know why I watch it, but once you start you can't switch it off! Tonight it was between Mary who is a belter of a singer and almost every week got a standing ovation and the judges couldn't hear themselves over the applause. And Cher. Who is emotionally unstable, really irritating, loves herself and it is always a toss-up if she will perform well or not. Or at all. So it came down to Simon Cowell who had the deciding vote. And basically it came down to "well Mary can cope if she goes out now and she will do well anyway" and "Cher will go mental and have a breakdown". So Cher went through. I'd love to see her face next week in the final when she doesn't win. I bet she stamps her little feet backstage and screams "but you PROMISED!" - a bit like Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The judges have been so hypocritical this year. Firstly they want a "brilliant singer". Then scrub that, they want a "brilliant performer", the singing isn't that important. Then they want a "brilliant recording artist." Then they want "someone interesting". They really can't decide what they want. And the ones who cry and forget their words do better than the ones who bothered to learn their songs and try not to let their emotions get the better of them. Which obviously would be a Good Thing for a performer no?

And when Cher announced that she wanted to "change British music" with her irritating but she thinks it is so clever megamixes of singing and rapping, I really wanted to punch her in the face! I think my lesson is to switch off the tv and go and do something more interesting instead. And Mary should have broken down into tears, gone "oh sod this" and walked off stage. She probably would be in the final now!

Merry f***ing Christmas!

Sorry for the cursing but really. I have just spent a fraught day trying to get the xmas tree up. This has involved:

1) 2 arguments
2) lots of shouting
3) lots of swearing
4) crying
5) some smiling
6) more swearing
7) 1 diabetic hypo attack

And this was mostly getting the lights on the tree! OMG I hate putting the lights on. And taking them off again so that they will possibly work next year too. But now it is done it does look lovely!

Spoilers

What is it with tv at the moment?! There is a big trend of showing the highlights of the next episode at the end of programs. Last night I was catching up and watching one of my dramas that the husband refuses to watch. Right at the end a bloke who has been a prisoner of war for over a year gets back home to be told that his wife and daughter were killed by a bomb. It was heart-rending and so sad, when he knocked on his front door and someone else answered it you knew it wasn't good. Then they cut to him screaming in agony, then a second later it goes to "and next time..." and it really spoilt the moment. The poor director spent ages building up the tension and getting to the crucial bit of the plot, and then the bloody program schedulers ruined it. Why do they think we are not to be trusted to watch the next episode without some enticement of what is to come? 

Imagine if they did it with books. You get to the end of a Harry Potter novel for instance, and there is a page at the end: "Next time in Harry Potter: he has a lot of fights, gets really angry, and Dumbledore dies and it was Snape who did it". Would you bother reading the next one?! And the worst thing is that the tv program was from a book, and the author did the screenplay, he must be screaming at the tv!

Everyone is obsessed with my demise!

The other night I had to leave the house to make a short emergency rescue for Lady Librarian who was silly enough to come back from her hols on a Sunday where a) there were the usual engineering works so no trains and b) a tube strike so no tubes either. Luckily for her she managed to get about the only tubes actually running to get close enough for me to pick her up. When I left the house both  boys were sound asleep and Mr Babs was rubbing his hands at the thought of half an hour to himself. When we got back it was bedlam. Both boys were up, the little one was screaming his head off and Mr Babs looked very relieved we were back!

Later when peace was restored, he said that he was convinced that something had happened to me as they both woke up at the same time and couldn't be consoled. It is nice he cares, but honestly! I can't leave the house even when they are all asleep without chaos breaking out!! And why is everyone obsessed with me dying?!

Helloooo ladies!

Mr Babs has been teaching Littl'un all he knows about wooing women. It basically goes along the lines of:

*Wink*

then

"You're coming home with me"

Sadly Littl'un has it down better than his dad! And luckily he never tried it on me or we might never have made it past date one!

Royal weddings

So the other day there was an announcement that Prince William had proposed to his girlfriend of about 50 years and they would be getting married next year. Lovely. You would have thought that then they would have moved on to other stuff that was happening in the world. But oh no. This announcement meant the tearing up of the tv schedules so rabid reporters could spend the day going over and over and over the "exciting" news. I was fed up of hearing about it by lunchtime. They even cancelled Bargain Hunt! I bet the Queen wasn't happy! By 10pm the news had a 45 minute special before mentioning any, erm, actual news. It was totally ridiculous. They had reporters camped outside everywhere that had a tiny bit of significance to the story. I was waiting for "Mr Smith who once served William in Greggs" to come on screen to tell us the Prince's favoured choice of pasty.

It is so hypocritical too, we moan about the Royals, how much they cost us, and then there the press are fawning over them like bloody stalkers! And how much is this wedding going to cost? We're all broke, having our money wrested from us so we have less and less money to buy things like nappies every month and they expect us to be happy for the ridiculous amounts they are going to spend? They should get married in a registry office in Clapham, that'd show the rest of us how "down" they are with their public!

And that was only the engagement annoucement. God help us when it's the actual wedding...