School's out!

So Littl'un has finished his first year of school. It was quite sad really! He had his party and went as a very cool Incey Wincey Spider, and to my horror only one other mother (one!) had bothered to make a costume. Everyone else had gone to the Disney Store by the looks of them. And I don't know why I bothered as apart from a few comments from other mums (along the lines of "ooh isn't that nice, a home made costume" in the tone of "she must be mad") I might as well have dressed him in a bin bag. None of his teachers commented which is bad as he did a lot of the stuffing and supervising, but these days no children are allowed to "win" or "lose" and all have to be the same. But he refused to take it off for hours when we got home so at least he likes it!

Pass me the zimmerframe...

Littl'un just saw an advert for a sit-in shower, the type designed for elderly people. He asked why we hadn't got one. "It's for old people" I said. "You are old" he said.

Big school little school

I was trying to explain to Littl'un that after one more week he will be finished at his pre-school and going to Big School in September (how scary is that?!). None of his friends are going to the same school and I was trying to explain this, though obviously not very well as I got a worried look and "but mummy, I need someone to play with at Big School" - bless! He didn't get the concept of making new friends at all and now I think I've freaked him out and he won't want to go to his new school after all! Damn the tortuous road of conversing with 3 year olds...

Competitive Mother Syndrome

Littl'un has a school party next week where he has to dress up as a fairy story/nursery rhyme character. The stress this is causing me is actually worse than my dissertation back when I had a brain! First we decided on Twinkle twinkle little star and had big plans for cardboard cutout stars, paint, and glitter - until I woke up in the middle of the night thinking "he's going to poke someone in the eye and we'll get sued!". This was followed by 3 days of intense negotiations trying to persuade Littl'un to be something other than a star. He refused. Unless he could be a princess. His dad refused.

Then finally he agreed upon Incey Wincey spider. Phew! But then we had to figure out how to make the costume. You can't buy them, oh no, with Competitive Mother Syndrome you have to spend hours sweating over a home-made costume and then cry if your child doesn't win a prize. So far we have a t-shirt which has been transformed into a spider's body with extra legs and everything, and it looks quite good! Then we got onto the rest of it. An argument about whether spiders have feelers or not happened last night - they do thanks Daddy! And an attempt to make a cobwebby pattern on the t-shirt was a bit rubbish. I heard myself going "but he can't just go in the t-shirt, there has to be something else!!!" to which Daddy said "he probably won't wear it anyway". Which is very true. Or he'll be sick and off school.

I tell you, this is worse than deciding what to wear to my wedding. And it can only get worse!

Big in China?

These days I am getting loads of comments on here in chinese. But they make no sense! The last one I had translated into: "Long drive straight toward the planet's people, the inverse falter on the road in the gorge who achieve their goals more easily." Now is that the sign of a proper chinese person reading my blog or some crazyness that is quite bizarre? I was a bit worried they were a virus or some sinisterness so I always delete them but what if I am offending some chinese person who is trying to send me good (if a bit weird) advice?

Is anyone else plagued with chinese gobbledeegook?

Call me a liar!

Littl'un NEVER shuts up these days, from morn till night it's all "why?" "what?" "how?". And he never forgets ANYTHING. He would give an elephant a run for his money. I was painting my toenails the other day, this is such a rarity that Littl'un was intrigued. And demanded I paint his too. So I lied! I said that boys didn't paint their nails, only girls did. I couldn't face a discussion about goths or why some boys paint them and other boys don't! Especially as grandad has his painted sometimes :) 

It was only a white lie, but I know it will come back to bite me!

A lesson for teacher...

...if you are going to take some pre-school kids out of school to go and look at their new schools for September, and there is the slightest possibilty you are going to be back late, wouldn't it be a good idea to tell the parents the event is happening?! On Friday, loads of parents happily marched into school to pick their kids up, only to find them missing! Panic ensued until one of the teachers chirped up "oh, they're not here!" which also didn't help really! Honestly. And wouldn't it have been a good idea to tell the parents anyway? What if they were out and about and saw their kid wandering down the street?! They've all gone health and safety mad at schools these days,  you have to fill a form in to pick them up 5 minutes early, yet they are quite happy to take the kids on some mystery trip without any parental consent! Call the governors!!

Sorry England!

It appears the England debacle at the World Cup was all my fault. Not because the players are ridiculously paid in the Premier League, lauded like mini gods, and so don't give two hoots about playing for England, and were already off on their expensive holidays in their heads. No. I didn't see Mr Babs' Lucky England Pants where they had been discarded on the bedroom floor from the last game, and so they weren't washed and ready in time for the game. Neither did I put the boys in their England kits (it was the hottest day of the year, they were practically naked).

I did not realise I had these powers to affect the result of such things. Next time I will act accordingly. Sorry England.

Museums

We just got a new local museum in town which I was quite excited about going to see. It just opened the other month, and today I told Littl'un I'd take him this week. Then I saw the opening times and admission details . And they are only charging £2.50 to go in!! I suppose I am used to the museums in London that don't charge, but really, they have two little rooms of things dug up in the area, and if they are charging, you are really only going to go once aren't you? A contribution box would be better, at least you would chuck in your small change everytime you went. It's not quite the British Museum, I think I'll take Littl'un there instead - it is free and all and has mummies!

Father's Day

Littl'un woke his dad up on Father's Day by singing on the toilet very loudly. And when his grumpy dad emerged from the bedroom he was greeted with "Happy Father's Day, Daddy - look I did a BIG poo!!!"

(This is all the more amusing as we all get in big trouble for waking Daddy up at the weekend, but these days he is up a lot earlier!)

Hide and "seek"

Littl'un has no concept of the term "secret". Whenever there is a family birthday I have learnt not to tell him what we are giving people after he gave his nan a lovingly wrapped parcel and said "there you go nan, it's a bag". We wrapped his dad's birthday presents up one afternoon and the minute his dad came home he said "we've been wrapping your presents daddy!" and helpfully tried to show him where they were hidden! It is the same with hide and seek. He spends ages carefully thinking of where to hide something and the minute the other kids come in to find it he points and goes "there it is, under the beanbag!". He is either far too helpful or has decided life is too short to be wondering what things are or where they are hidden. With Father's Day coming up on Sunday there is a fine line between letting him choose a present and him squealing the minute he sees his dad. I might do the same to him next time he gets a present, that'll stop him! "Here you are son, it's a bike!".

Long waiting time? Read some porn to take your mind off it!

In the doctor's waiting room, while we were whiling away 40 minutes, Littl'un spotted a pile of books on a table. They seem to have replaced the usual copies of Bella and OK magazine with porn! Well, Mills and Boons anyway. Littl'un picked up one and waved it around. On the cover was a scantily clad lady "wrestling" with a man with lovely long locks. "What's this called?" he asked cheerily?

"The Sex Files".

The cream of the NHS...

So I took Littl'Un to the doctors to ask about his peanut allergy. And the doctor's advice?

"Have you considered not giving him peanuts?"

Gee thanks doc, I would never have thought of that! And he refused to test him! I said "well we were told to get him tested as peanut allergies can be fatal" to which he said: "well a lot of things can be fatal".

At this point I gave up and went home!

Facebook

I am so glad we didn't have facebook back in the days when I was on the dating scene. So many of the youngsters (get me - an old lady already!) are constantly "in a relationship" one day then "single" the next then "it's complicated" by the weekend. It makes my head spin! And for every status update about 30 people want to know all the details, who it is, what happened, how  you are etc. etc. And I think I know why so many relationships flounder so early on. Once your newly established and exciting romance has been announced, you know it is about to end once your paramour has made friends with your mother online and she is making sarcastic comments about your photos or lovey dovey comments to each other. It just isn't right! That's the problem with facebook, some things should be kept private or just between friends or just between family. You can't mix the different groups, it just doesn't work, and I am sure my friends (and especially my parents or possible future in-laws!) wouldn't have wanted to read all the lovely dovey schmoozing that my younger relations feel obliged to share these days! Just get a room, or for novelties sake, write a letter!

I've seen it all now!

A read of the Betterware catalogue put through our door yesterday is priceless! Almost as entertaining as the Residents Association Newsletter which sadly seem to have stopped now I come to think about it. Anyway, what with hubby being an electrician I found THE perfect Christmas present for him, something he would never have known he needed until he saw it - a magnetic wrist band to keep all his screws on!! That is so funny!! What man in general doesn't need a magnetic wrist band to keep all his metal things - cuff links, screws, can openers - really to hand whenever they are needed?!

Things not to do at nurseries...

March in at pick up time when it is full of kids and babies and announce "Look, this one has got chickenpox!" and wave the baby around like you just said it got A level maths already!! Stupid stupid woman. But considering the baby (probably about 4 months old) already had her ear pierced, I don't think the actual health of the baby is her first priority, more how much of an accessory the baby can be. The little thing has no chance.

Peanut butter

Yesterday Littl'un asked for peanut butter on toast like his dad. "All my friends at school have it too" he declared, and I know that was true as his friend had it in her sandwiches when they had a picnic together. "He's 3 now," I thought, "what can possibly happen?". He had the teeniest bite, declared he didn't like it, and refused to eat any more. Two minutes later he was complaining about a sore throat, cried himself to sleep, then woke up looking like Quasimodo and did a fine impression of the exorcist with sick.

So he won't be having that any more!

Britain's Got Poor Speling?!

So I caught the end of Britain's Got Talent to see Spelbound win the dosh. But it was marred for me. I kept thinking "look they've spelt their name wrong, how sad" and being generally irritated by poor spellingness instead of their gymnastic leaping about. And I am so sad that I looked this up on the old t'internet this morning and it turns out "Spelbound" is correct as it refers to where they train at Spelthorne Gymnastics Club. But who would know that?! And why detract from yourselves with a silly in-house reference that nobody will know about?! Honestly.

Poacher update!

Look I was right!

Be a poacher with a gun and everything!

Let's be poachers!

I've just seen an advert for Playmobil Safari. How lovely, you think, toy giraffes and elephants, and little jeeps to play with. Oh yes, and also poachers which you have to protect the animals from! I'm all for not hiding the bad things in the world from your kids when they are old enough to understand, but really, I think 5 years old is a bit young to be having lessons in how animals are illegally killed. What do you say when your kid says "mum, what's a poacher?"?! I just hope in these politically correct days of having to cover the viewpoint of everyone concerned to avoid being sued, you don't also get the option to play at being a poacher and get toy antelope heads to stick on your wall, and elephant feet to put your umbrellas in...