Single mums

Back in the park again over the weekend I had the pleasure of overhearing these conversations. To set the scene, there were 2 girls, probably about 17 or 18 at a guess. One, let's call her Tracey, had 2 kids, one new baby about 3 months wedged into a swing in full view of the sun, another older kid asleep in a buggy. Her mate, let's say Britney, had a toddler, who for most of the time was running around being totally ignored by her mother.

Tracey, when first encountered is on the phone: "Alright babes, how's it goin? Yeah? Sweet. Listen, it's a luvverly day 'ere, 'ow about we meet up tomorrow, have a day of it like a real family? No? You're real busy? Alright, no worries....erm....do you fink you will want to stay over tonight? ...No? No worries, see ya".

Then Britney comes over. Tracey says to her: "ow's about we meet up again tomorrow? Be nice for the kids, 'eh?". Britney pauses and says, "Oh I dunno. I've never spent a whole day wiv me boyfriend before and he says he can see me tomorrow." 

Poor Tracey looks crestfallen. Those poor kids have no chance. No chance at all. And I really wanted to turn round to them and say "your boyfriends are just using you for sex whenever they want, and you keep getting bloody pregnant, what is wrong with you?!?!". 

Maybe it's me who is wrong? This world is going mad. We went to a different park yesterday and I had to intervene three times with kids who kept pushing in and wouldn't let Littl'un take his turn on things when he was patiently queuing up. And there was no sign of the parents, probably a good thing or I would have got in an argument probably :)

Girls with big knickers

I went to the park after school yesterday with the boys and their mates, they ranged between 1 and 8. We went in the swings which is supposed to be for kids aged under 10 to be greeted with some older school girls. I would hate to try and guess how old they were but with the language and the general attitude I would hazard they were over 10. Anyway, they were on the big swings when we first got there so we ignored them and the boys were playing and having fun. Then next time I looked the girls were sitting on the roundabout legs akimbo flashing their knickers to everyone, and they weren't little girls if you get my meaning, jesus one of them had to be about 14 stones. It wasn't very nice but they obviously thought they were the bees' knees and were giving us all a treat to be allowed to look at their chubby legs! Nice. Then the babies wanted to go on the baby swings only to be confronted with one of the girls wedged into one of them and another sitting on one which was creaking alarmingly. 2 babies with us went in the remaining swings and my littl'un stood looking beseechingly at them to let him have a go - the clue was in the name, "baby swings". I was mentally preparing myself for an argument when fatso prised herself out of the swing (it took a while) and they loped off to lounge about on something else. 

If my boys go to school and there are girls like that there I don't know what I'd do. I might have to home school them. I never swore in front of little kids or stopped them playing. And what is going on when me and the other mums who are all at least 15 years older than the girls worry about saying anything to them?! They probably had knives in their big knickers. Hell they probably had a whole cutlery set, there was room :)

Teacher can see EVERYTHING...

It appears that Littl'un has an unholy fear of his teacher catching him doing anything naughty. He came home from school with a cake that was supposed to be for Mother's Day. When we got home it looked a bit manky so I generously said he could have it. Next time I looked round he was sitting squashed under the window stuffing the cake as fast as he could. When I asked what he was doing he said "I don't want Mrs Smith to see me!" like he really thought she would be looking through the window to check! Apparently at school they planted a seed of terror in the little mites should they attempt to eat the cakes made for their mummies! This fear of Mrs Smith works wonders, anytime he does anything naughty I threaten to phone her or tell her when I see her next and he really doesn't want that! I wish I could wield the power of a teacher, he doesn't listen to me at all!

Gardening and ghosts

Most of the last month has involved fighting the weeds in the garden (again). It took 3 weeks but it looks lovely now. The highlight was when I was bent over weeding and heard a loud noise and then a pigeon landed on my back! I really can't have been working hard enough if it mistook me for a bird table!

Both the kids have been loving running round the garden (quite often in the buff) but Littl'un #1 has decided to start seeing things in the garden too. The other day I was in the kitchen and he started screaming his head off like he'd broken his leg. I rushed out to be told "there was a ghost all in white walking between the sheds" and he was literally terrified. I thought it might be a random carrier bag blowing in the wind, but there was nothing there. Not that I could see anyway! His imagination has gone wild recently, he's seeing things everywhere. And it seems we have ghosts upstairs and now in the garden. Lovely.

Littl'un #2 loves the garden too. His idea of heaven is to sit in the soil and throw it over his head until he looks like a soil monster. Every day. He eats it too. This may explain why he has gone off his food recently...

Rubbish blogger

Jeez I haven't posted for ages. I am sure something exciting must have happened in my life since the last post. Erm let me think...

Ah yes! The house 2 doors down was busted as a cannabis factory. They gave it away as we were all getting high in the back garden. It was VERY exciting, my neighbour phoned the rozzers who turned up in lots of vans and took the perp away in handcuffs. Now there is nothing going on really, the house is empty and unloved, even from crims.

Life sorting out 2 small boys goes on much as usual except the smaller one is getting bolshier and even though he can't speak he is doing a fine job of pointing and grunting to get what he wants, and attempting to beat his brother up. This is hilarious at the moment but I have a vision of the future and it mainly involves black eyes and fisticuffs. And the small one will be the one giving the black eyes.

We all had a super lovely day on the beach with Lady Librarian. It was so hot and the beach was lovely and we had a beach hut and everything. That may have been our holiday for the year sadly, but it was so worth it!

After 6 years we repainted the kitchen and realised just how grimy 6 years of pretty poor cleaning can make a place look. It looks lovely now and I am determined to degrime the kitchen at least once a year, not every 6!

I entered a kids' story competition which is now being judged and I veer between extreme confidence and extreme pessimism. If we win we are so going on holiday. And I may even buy new shoes! Whoo!

We met a horse who had a thing about baby buggies. The cars shooting past him were fine, the buggy was a problem. I dread to think what caused this phobia!

Bloody hell I can't remember what the hell we have been doing. The drugs bust is the news of the year so far! Oh that, and the possibility that a house down the road is also a bordello. Life in Essex is never dull...

English for 4 year olds...

Littl'un has decided to start talking like he is just learning English as a second language. Here are a few examples:

"I have been a good boy, yes?"

"Erm, you have forgotten something, no?"

"I think I will stay up tonight and not go to bed, yes?"

"I can have some chocolate, yes?"

It is very offputting when you just want to laugh at him! He always tries it on when he wants something he knows he won't be allowed to have, it's quite a clever tactic. Put me on the back foot as it makes me laugh then I'm more likely to back down. No?!

Mechanics

So I think I have finally got wise to the wiles of mechanics. Our car had to go in for mot/service the other day and I know as I take it in with the kids they think they are on to a winner. For the second year in a row I got a phone call saying all this work had to be done "urgently" and then they quoted me a ridiculous price to do it all . Now we have no money I just laugh at them. If it passed the mot then the other stuff isn't that bad surely? I laughed at the man this time and said "write me a list and we'll do it over the next few months". At another garage. Funny as last year they told me the brakes were about to fail, it was REALLY IMPORTANT I get them fixed, but I forgot all about it and this year they didn't even mention them! Honestly. I have no trust in mechanics really, which is scary, I assume they are trying to make a fast buck on my naivety, but what if they were right and the car blew up when I was driving it?! It's a chance I'm willing to take!

If only I had my camera...

I persuaded Mr Babs to take the boys to a local park yesterday as it was the weekend and all. I didn't anticipate it would be quite as muddy as it was. But we persevered and made it round relatively mud free. Until we were about 10 metres from a nice clean path that led back to the car. Mr Babs decided to chase after Littl'un while carrying Baby Babs, slipped, did a very complicated body swerve to avoid landing on top of Baby Babs and then landed bum first in a big muddy puddle. It was hilarious! Luckily nothing was injured apart from Mr Babs's ego. But if only I had my camera ready, we could have definitely made £250 on You've been framed! Even with all the "well THAT was a good idea for an afternoon out" comments all the way home and the extra washing when we got there, it was so worth it!

I NEED a wee!!

Yesterday Littl'un went for a wee and discovered someone was already in the bathroom with the door locked. Instead of knocking and saying he REALLY needed to go, he just wee'd up the door instead. I had to applaud his efforts to make the best of a bad situation, perhaps he thought it would flood under the door and into the toilet!

Pretend Jacob has a birthday!

Yesterday Pretend Jacob had a birthday party. Littl'un pretended to invite his cousins, two friends from school, announced that "babies weren't allowed" (ie his brother) and they all had a party on the sofa. I asked how old Pretend Jacob was - he is 5 apparently. As Littl'un is only 4 this worries me, I thought they'd be the same age but Pretend Jacob actually has his own persona. I am a bit scared to ask what he looks like...

Kids!

Yesterday at tea-time Littl'un announced "Mum, you are the best cook in the world!". Bless him. He really has nothing to compare me to, which is a good thing!  In the night he also had a nightmare that he got lost and couldn't find me, he was really upset. He does love me! He drives me mad most of the time, but he's a sweetie really! And his little brother has taken to screaming really loudly to get any attention, I think he is going to be trouble...

Surviving the relatives

So I survived the visit from my Inappropriate Relative relatively unscathed. Typically as I was poised to strike, there was little in the way of inappropriate behaviour. I almost said something about telling the boys off - that is MY job! - but I think the death stares I resorted to (courtesy of the pill rage) did the trick very well. IR was very well behaved and we almost enjoyed the visit. One difference was that no alcohol was drunk, it made such a difference you wouldn't have believed it! I think that is the clue, if we have trouble next time I'm keeping an AA leaflet at the ready to hand out! It's also something to do with having to be the centre of attention, and this time no other relatives were involved so there was no-one to show off to. I am still ready to strike next time though!

Pirate rage

And when I was in the doctor's asking advice (basically "stop taking the pill" - gee thanks), a little boy was in there with a lego pirate. He had lost his little pirate hat somewhere in the surgery and everything stopped until someone found it. At least they appreciate pirates at my doctors!

No sex please we're British

So I started a new pill last week. In the space of just over a week I have had the following side-effects:

Uncontrolled rage
Depression
Dizzy spells
Blurred vision (especially handy when doing 70mph in the fast lane with 2 kids in the back)
Massive appetite
Spots

So I can conclude that as a contraceptive it is doing a blinding job. Mr Babs doesn't dare even look at me at the moment!

The Brits

I caught the last hour of the Brits tonight and for the first time in a long time (well since they axed Top of the Pops) the music acts actually seemed like they were playing live, and that they were having a lovely time! Of course, it probably was all amazing miming, surely nobody is allowed to perform live anymore, but it looked good and took me back to the good old days of wondering if dangerous drugged up musicians trusted with microphones were going to swear!

And the one good thing about the night was that Take That didn't bring along the naked bottoms. Though I didn't see all of it, they might have been on early! I have escaped Take That for at least a month, I didn't automatically recoil when they came on the tv! Result.

And I love Arcarde Fire. But I haven't actually bought their album yet, I got Kings of Leon instead and I am ashamed. Sorry lovely Arcarde Fire. I will, I will. That is all.

Families

We thought we'd escaped another visit from my Inappropriate Relative for a while after two visits in the last two months. Then last night we got a phone call announcing another visit. Next week for half term. And this is despite me saying we had lots of plans with Littl'un's friends and were busy all week. "Oh, we'll just fit round you" was the response. I am not cancelling any plans, with school now it is so hard to find the time to do anything fun, and I had plans for a couple of lazy days where we didn't even have to leave the house. Now that is all down the toilet. 

I have decided it is time to bite the bullet and actually say something. We have bitten our tongues for well over 10 years, more recently since we had the boys and they come down every other month (or more!). The problem is it is my stepmother. It makes it all the more complicated. But my dad manages to totally ignore all her bad behaviour, so maybe it is my time to cause some trouble. We can't keep on living like this, dreading the next visit and then moaning about it for weeks after!! If I cause offense it's about bloody time. I just don't want to hurt my dad.

If anyone has any advice for me, how do you tell your dad his wife is a nightmare?! And that they are not visiting every time we have some time off!! I know they want to see their grandkids (not that I count her as their grandma really!), but perhaps their dad and me might like to spend some time with them too - just us! Is that too much to ask?!

Clear as mud

It was our wedding anniversary last weekend, 6 long years (only joking!) and the highlight was sending Littl'un to his nan's for the weekend to give us some peace for a change (not joking!). Anyway, when he came back he asked what the cards were for, and I thought I explained quite clearly about weddings and anniversaries. He looked like he got it. Then half an hour later he said "mummy, why did you and daddy get married when I was at nannies?" Bless his little heart, he looked quite upset!

Then yesterday he was messing around with my mobile which was locked and said "look mummy, 999!" - luckily it didn't dial automatically so I was able to cancel it. I thought again I explained quite well about calling 999 if there is ever an emergency - he's 4 now, he should be able to phone for help if I knock  myself out with the iron or something! Then when we got home from school he said "can I phone the firemen now?". It's a slippery slope to arson in the bedroom just to see a fire engine...

And I really need to work on my explanations!

Eurovision

So who in the name of Terry Wogan decided they would let Blue represent us this year? And write the song?! Jesus Christ we have no chance. At all. They should have gone with Wagner. Unless Blue sleep with the whole of Europe between now and May, we really have zero chance. Though that isn't too unrealistic is it?!

Pardon?!

And another "highlight" of the weekend was my inappropriate relative. We were just sitting down to dinner, me and Mr Babs had a tikka masala curry which has a very bright red sauce. As we were just about to tuck in, she looked straight at Mr Babs and said "oh I wasn't getting a cold earlier, it was the OTHER thing" and pointed at her crotch. EEEWWWWW!! Who in their right mind refers to their periods at mealtimes, or even AT ALL in polite company?!?! And we didn't even know she thought she was getting a cold as she spent most of the day hungover. At a child's birthday party. Then she told another member of the family that they needed to go for a number two straight after dinner!!

I could go on, but I need to go and have a cry...

Terrible fours

The minute Littl'un turned 4 he turned into Devil Child! Honestly. By breakfast time I had nearly cancelled all the festivities. He walked into the lounge, looked at all the pirate banners and balloons and said "why are they all pirates?" And that was just the start of it. His nan says it is as he is getting all the attention for a change, which makes me feel quite guilty, but honestly, it makes me glad we didn't decide to keep him as an only child. He started calming down on Sunday when everyone left, and is kind of back to normal. It could also have been all the sweets and cake! Luckily they are all banned now :)

He is so not having a birthday next year. They are cancelled.