Oh the shame...

...yesterday I was in the library looking at cookery books. There was a bright pink book called "how to be the perfect housewife" in the section which looked very inviting being big and pink and shiny and I thought it would be a laugh to see where I was going wrong. So I get to the issue desk and hand over my ticket. The librarian gets to the pink book and VERY loudly goes "Ooh the latest by Anthea Turner!! Are you a perfect housewife then?!" (while looking me up and down, I was wearing my "rock star t-shirt" and cut off trousers, no slacks and shirts for me Anthea). She might as well have put the tannoy on and gone "this lady thinks she is a perfect housewife AND she borrows books by Anthea Turner!" At this point I couldn't admit my mistake and go "ooh I don't really want to borrow it thankyou!" and instead pretended I had chosen it especially. I took it back today, I couldn't have it in the house when I flicked open a page telling me how to make my own beeswax and also to clean the fridge at least once a fortnight...something tells me I am not the perfect housewife. But I do make mean muffins.

Bye Carol!

Ooh the scandal. Carol Vorderman outrageously shunted from her role as maths expert/letter putter upper on Countdown. I knew it had to come sooner or later. Someone in power finally realised that being good at maths (but rubbish at sticking letters on a board) isn't the same as being God. Carol was way too smug these days, trying to outguess the contestants, making flirty jokes with Des, trying to get as much camera time as possible. In those outfits?! She must have been mad. If she was being paid shedloads then she wasn't spending it on clothes, most probably on vodka. Nobody is bigger than the show they work on, despite how long they've stuck it out. And yes I am sure there are loads of sad old men writing love letters or sending maths porn to lovely Carol, and the highlight of their day is watching her reach up to put letters on a board, but her time is up.

What would she do now? Mmm, it's a tricky one. Making the most of her skills (maths) and failings (dress sense) the obvious answer would be a quirky maths teacher in a girls' school. Watch out public schools of Surrey...

No! ( I mean yes, or probably...)

Baby Babs' latest word is "NO!". He knows lots of other words now but has started using "NO!" in response to every question. He obviously doesn't know what it means yet though as cunning questions reveal:

Mum: "would you like some chocolate?"
Baby Babs: "NO!"
Mum: "you are proving yourself wrong by stuffing it in your mouth there dear, perhaps you meant "yes"?"
Baby Babs: "NO!"

Nanny: "Do you want to go to the park?"
Baby Babs: "NO!"
Nanny: "So the fact that you are waving your shoes at me and standing by the door is a coincidence then?"
Baby Babs: "NO!"

Also every vehicle he sees is a "car". And every man is "Daddy" which can prove rather embarassing when we are walking down the street and he shouts "Daddy!" at every man we pass, like I've asked him to pick out a new Daddy.

...on food prices

Yesterday a bog standard supermarket own brand loaf was 65p. Today it is 72p. How?!? It actually makes more sense to buy a proper lovely tasting loaf now as they only cost 80p. I'm happy that I no longer feel forced to buy the cheap nasty bread and can revel in wheaty loveliness, but my poor shopping budget is screwed. And don't get me started on milk and cheese, I'm looking at getting a cow, that's all I'm saying on the matter...

Cop-out endings...

Bleeding authors. It takes me a lot longer to read a book nowadays (it used to be about a week if that, now it's into months) so I am very picky about what I decide to read. I like Barbara Erskine and when I saw her latest in the library I was very excited. 2 months later I finished it and it was SUCH a letdown!! I wasted all that time. She writes historical novels where characters in the present day are taken over by the spirits of long dead angry people who want to avenge something or other. The main characters secretly love each other but the spirits make them fight, then at the end they are freed and go "ooh I love you" and it's all happy! This one wasn't so bad, the suspense was built up really well, all the characters were suitably possessed and taken to some important place where it all happened originally, and then it got to the climax. The possessed characters are all together trying to kill each other or escape. But then a local priesty bloke turns up, shouts "evil spirits begone!" or some such rubbish and poof! they were gone and everyone is back to normal. HOW could it be so easy to beat them? The whole book was going on about their powers and the characters couldn't possibly fight them etc etc and all it took was a priest in a bad mood shouting at them. Pft! That was a cop-out if you ask me, Ms Erskine couldn't think how to finish it so just gave up. I might write to her and complain...

I have no idea what to read next, it's ruined me for other books.

Judge John Deed

I'm in court tomorrow as the star witness in the thieving bastards case. It would be lovely if Judge John Deed was in charge, he'd make me feel less scared and probably take me for a drink afterwards. I'm torn between excitement at the whole process (my life is all dirty nappies and Big Cook Little Cook at the moment) and terror. It's not a massive criminal case and it's against a 12 year old, but I have visions of the lawyers shouting at me like they do on the tv and convincing me I didn't see what I saw. It is all clear cut to me in my head, but what if they start throwing questions at me and being mean? I might handle it confidently and say what I saw, then again I might just cry at the nasty man being mean to me. Then again, I might recognise the lawyer as I was a law librarian once upon a time, and remember he couldn't even work a photocopier, then I won't be so scared!

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours...

Our neighbours are moving. This fills me with dread. They were ok as neighbours go, they have 2 kids who Baby Babs likes to shout at through the fence. And annoying relatives who turned up every bleedin' weekend and scowled at us in our own garden, I won't miss them. But who will we get instead? Going on past history one of these:

a) A young couple who don't give two monkeys about their neighbours and play loud loud music at all hours and have screaming rows in the street.
b) Proper Essex family with scary daughters who wear not very much, smoke out of the bedroom window and have screaming rows in the kitchen.
c) Someone who likes cars and spends all weekend tinkering with a knackered old Ford stuck in the garden.
d) A family with loud barking dogs, probably rottweilers, who scare the beejeezus out of Baby Babs.
e) Weird Russians who shout loudly and threateningly in Russian. Oh hang on, been there done that...

Oh joy. Luckily I am friends with the noise police, and these days I don't hesitate to get on their case. I just don't want the hassle. At least if you were renting you knew you could move relatively easily.

Sweet old ladies...

Conversation at the till in a Savers shop in Essex...

Boy behind till: "That's £3.69 love"
Old lady: "WHAT?"
Boy behind till: "That's £3.69"
Old lady: "HOW MUCH WERE THOSE TISSUES?"
BBT: "Er, £1.49 love"
Old lady: "I DON'T WANT THEM! I CAN GET THEM IN THE 99P SHOP!!!"
BBT: "Oh, ok, I'll take them off. That's £2.20 then love"
Old lady: "WHAT?!"
BBT (clearly getting annoyed now): "That's £2.20"
Old lady: "HERE YOU GO THEN"
BBT (looking relieved it's nearly over): "Here's 80p change, thanks love"
Old lady: "HERE! WHERE ARE MY TISSUES?! I HAD TISSUES IN MY BASKET!!"
BBT: "You didn't want them love, you put them back"
Old lady: "OH FORGET IT, I'LL GET THEM SOMEWHERE ELSE"

Old lady starts shuffling off, whole queue behind her starts shouting at her, she's only gone and left her shopping on the counter and is too deaf to hear them. Intrepid Bookish Barbara, despite the obvious risk to herself, taps the lady on the shoulder and gives her the shopping.

Everyone sighs with relief. She has left the premises. Boy behind till has a "I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit" expression on his face. but he wins the prize for patience!