Dress disasters

After years of wearing jeans and erm, jeans, I finally bought a dress. It is very pretty and I like it a lot. The first time we go out to a birthday party, I walk through the door and my friend is wearing the same dress. Crap. This comes of only shopping in supermarkets, soon everyone will be dressed exactly the same and there will be no other shops in the world...

And I will still be wearing jeans.

Bubbles

We discovered today that bubble mixture makes marvellous conditioner. This was after son #1 decided to pour his bubble mixture all over his brother's head. Once he had stopped screaming from the soap in his eyes, and his hair was sud free and dry, it was super soft and lovely! I might try that next time I wash my hair. Can I patent it do you think?

Really big inappropriateness...

And you know, I forgot the MOST inappropriate thing my Inappropriate Relative did recently. We had a family funeral and were just about to leave the house to go to it. In a room full of male relatives, a few women ones, and her 18 year old daughter, she came out with "does anyone else need a sanitary pad, I just gave one to Poppy". Not only mortifying all the men in the room, and grossing out the women, but her poor poor daughter! What an age to be paraded round the room for having your period. She might as well as put a big red cross on her top. But then every time we see her she has to mention periods. I tell Mr Babs that it is her way of telling him that she is still fertile if he feels like impregnating her. He isn't amused...

Chilli peppers in awkward places...

We had the Inappropriate Relative down again. This time I thought we had got away without any offensive conversation. I did as I was putting the boy to bed. Hubby didn't. As he told me afterwards, with a look of horror in his eyes...

Chatting about cooking with chillies, Inappropriate Relative came up with this little gem. "Be careful when cooking with chillies, if you touch your eyes it hurts. It's even worse if you touch yourself DOWN THERE."

I cannot imagine what Mr Babs face looked like at this!! The poor man will have nightmares for weeks.

Olympics

Does anyone want to rent my house out for an exorbitent fee while the Olympics are on? Only a 15 minute train journey to the games.

I am so sick of it already I'm moving to Timbuktoo for the duration.

Music for boys

So recently Littl'un has developed an interest in music, displayed by random dancing to adverts and humming when the radio is on in the car. His favourites so far are:

Foo Fighters - Walk (he calls this the Wee Wee Song as on the video someone wets their pants)
Neon Trees - Animal
Automatic - Monster
Killers - All the things I've done

It's hard to know what to play for him, this is basically my taste. Someone up the school said to buy him one of those awful Now compilations (must be up to 603 by now?!) but I don't know if I can stand years of listening to Beyonce or Justin Bieber. Oh he likes the Darkness too, but he knows that from the womb!

It is so sweet when he's sitting in the car and suddenly starts singing along and actually knows the words! Remind me of this when there is godawful music coming from his bedroom and I'm moaning about the guitar being played badly :)

Zumba!!!

At zumba last night we had some new people. Waiting outside in line were two middle aged couples, who clearly didn't know what they were getting into. Most people are in sweat pants and vests (though one girl was in a most ill advised bikini top and wrap around skirt - with THOSE thighs?!), and it's mostly girls. One of the men was in jeans, a clean white shirt and smart white trainers. The other man had made more of an effort in jogging pants and a t-shirt. The women had sandals on, which aren't great for leaping around. Anyway, they followed us in and stood at the back. The man in the shirt legged it half way through the first song! The others made a game attempt and did last the hour, and one of the women told me afterwards that they'd dragged their husbands along in an attempt to "do something together". I thought you took up line dancing or salsa lessons if you are trying to spice up your marriage, not sweaty jumpy zumba! The poor bloke, I suspect he will be having zumba dreams for quite a while to come :)

Nature corridor

Apparently the roundabout at the bottom of our road, which is in the midst of an extremely busy 5 way intersection, is now classified as a "nature corridor" into town. This is because they have planted some pansies on it. Hilarious!

Money money money

[Sorry this is probably an angry ranty post, ignore if you like!]

I am SO sick of not having any money. Every month the prices of food, bills, running a car etc etc go up and up and the money hubby brings in doesn't change every month. It is getting ridiculous. I am so sick of never being able to treat the boys, we had to think long and hard about taking Littl'un to the cinema which he really wants to do as he's never been before. It only costs £1.25 on a Saturday morning! And yes, I know it's all self-inflicted. I gave up work to have kids, if I was working full time we'd be fine. But I'm not. And if I was, all our money would go on childcare. Thinking long term, it's only for a few years, in 3 years Littl'un #2 will be in full-time school and I can go back to work. But then I've got to try and get a term-time only, school hours job and there aren't many of them around. I can't go back to being a librarian easily, unless I find a school librarian job.

I have no idea how my parents coped, and my mum isn't around to ask. When we were kids we went on holidays to Cornwall for 2 weeks every year, and got ice creams when we wanted, and I don't remember ever being turned down when I asked for something. Maybe my dad had a side job as a hitman or something! Or maybe they budgeted better than I seem to be able to. We barely get to the end of the month before running out of money. And that's just buying food. And beer for hubby but he can't give everything up! We never go out anymore and the likelihood of a holiday in the next 5 years is very remote.

It's just so miserable. I don't want my boys' main memory of being young being asking for things and being told "we don't have enough money" constantly. Most of our money goes on the mortgage and then bills which are going up constantly, soon I'm going to throw the gas cooker out and cook on a bonfire outside. And we are keeping the car going at the moment but that might have to go too, and then we'd never have the cash to buy another one. Crap. Maybe I should start a job as an online psychic or something. Something I can do from home. What is the most money in? 

Sorry for moaning. I feel much better now. I'm going to go and spend 50p on some sweets for the kid!

Single mums

Back in the park again over the weekend I had the pleasure of overhearing these conversations. To set the scene, there were 2 girls, probably about 17 or 18 at a guess. One, let's call her Tracey, had 2 kids, one new baby about 3 months wedged into a swing in full view of the sun, another older kid asleep in a buggy. Her mate, let's say Britney, had a toddler, who for most of the time was running around being totally ignored by her mother.

Tracey, when first encountered is on the phone: "Alright babes, how's it goin? Yeah? Sweet. Listen, it's a luvverly day 'ere, 'ow about we meet up tomorrow, have a day of it like a real family? No? You're real busy? Alright, no worries....erm....do you fink you will want to stay over tonight? ...No? No worries, see ya".

Then Britney comes over. Tracey says to her: "ow's about we meet up again tomorrow? Be nice for the kids, 'eh?". Britney pauses and says, "Oh I dunno. I've never spent a whole day wiv me boyfriend before and he says he can see me tomorrow." 

Poor Tracey looks crestfallen. Those poor kids have no chance. No chance at all. And I really wanted to turn round to them and say "your boyfriends are just using you for sex whenever they want, and you keep getting bloody pregnant, what is wrong with you?!?!". 

Maybe it's me who is wrong? This world is going mad. We went to a different park yesterday and I had to intervene three times with kids who kept pushing in and wouldn't let Littl'un take his turn on things when he was patiently queuing up. And there was no sign of the parents, probably a good thing or I would have got in an argument probably :)

Girls with big knickers

I went to the park after school yesterday with the boys and their mates, they ranged between 1 and 8. We went in the swings which is supposed to be for kids aged under 10 to be greeted with some older school girls. I would hate to try and guess how old they were but with the language and the general attitude I would hazard they were over 10. Anyway, they were on the big swings when we first got there so we ignored them and the boys were playing and having fun. Then next time I looked the girls were sitting on the roundabout legs akimbo flashing their knickers to everyone, and they weren't little girls if you get my meaning, jesus one of them had to be about 14 stones. It wasn't very nice but they obviously thought they were the bees' knees and were giving us all a treat to be allowed to look at their chubby legs! Nice. Then the babies wanted to go on the baby swings only to be confronted with one of the girls wedged into one of them and another sitting on one which was creaking alarmingly. 2 babies with us went in the remaining swings and my littl'un stood looking beseechingly at them to let him have a go - the clue was in the name, "baby swings". I was mentally preparing myself for an argument when fatso prised herself out of the swing (it took a while) and they loped off to lounge about on something else. 

If my boys go to school and there are girls like that there I don't know what I'd do. I might have to home school them. I never swore in front of little kids or stopped them playing. And what is going on when me and the other mums who are all at least 15 years older than the girls worry about saying anything to them?! They probably had knives in their big knickers. Hell they probably had a whole cutlery set, there was room :)

Teacher can see EVERYTHING...

It appears that Littl'un has an unholy fear of his teacher catching him doing anything naughty. He came home from school with a cake that was supposed to be for Mother's Day. When we got home it looked a bit manky so I generously said he could have it. Next time I looked round he was sitting squashed under the window stuffing the cake as fast as he could. When I asked what he was doing he said "I don't want Mrs Smith to see me!" like he really thought she would be looking through the window to check! Apparently at school they planted a seed of terror in the little mites should they attempt to eat the cakes made for their mummies! This fear of Mrs Smith works wonders, anytime he does anything naughty I threaten to phone her or tell her when I see her next and he really doesn't want that! I wish I could wield the power of a teacher, he doesn't listen to me at all!

Gardening and ghosts

Most of the last month has involved fighting the weeds in the garden (again). It took 3 weeks but it looks lovely now. The highlight was when I was bent over weeding and heard a loud noise and then a pigeon landed on my back! I really can't have been working hard enough if it mistook me for a bird table!

Both the kids have been loving running round the garden (quite often in the buff) but Littl'un #1 has decided to start seeing things in the garden too. The other day I was in the kitchen and he started screaming his head off like he'd broken his leg. I rushed out to be told "there was a ghost all in white walking between the sheds" and he was literally terrified. I thought it might be a random carrier bag blowing in the wind, but there was nothing there. Not that I could see anyway! His imagination has gone wild recently, he's seeing things everywhere. And it seems we have ghosts upstairs and now in the garden. Lovely.

Littl'un #2 loves the garden too. His idea of heaven is to sit in the soil and throw it over his head until he looks like a soil monster. Every day. He eats it too. This may explain why he has gone off his food recently...

Rubbish blogger

Jeez I haven't posted for ages. I am sure something exciting must have happened in my life since the last post. Erm let me think...

Ah yes! The house 2 doors down was busted as a cannabis factory. They gave it away as we were all getting high in the back garden. It was VERY exciting, my neighbour phoned the rozzers who turned up in lots of vans and took the perp away in handcuffs. Now there is nothing going on really, the house is empty and unloved, even from crims.

Life sorting out 2 small boys goes on much as usual except the smaller one is getting bolshier and even though he can't speak he is doing a fine job of pointing and grunting to get what he wants, and attempting to beat his brother up. This is hilarious at the moment but I have a vision of the future and it mainly involves black eyes and fisticuffs. And the small one will be the one giving the black eyes.

We all had a super lovely day on the beach with Lady Librarian. It was so hot and the beach was lovely and we had a beach hut and everything. That may have been our holiday for the year sadly, but it was so worth it!

After 6 years we repainted the kitchen and realised just how grimy 6 years of pretty poor cleaning can make a place look. It looks lovely now and I am determined to degrime the kitchen at least once a year, not every 6!

I entered a kids' story competition which is now being judged and I veer between extreme confidence and extreme pessimism. If we win we are so going on holiday. And I may even buy new shoes! Whoo!

We met a horse who had a thing about baby buggies. The cars shooting past him were fine, the buggy was a problem. I dread to think what caused this phobia!

Bloody hell I can't remember what the hell we have been doing. The drugs bust is the news of the year so far! Oh that, and the possibility that a house down the road is also a bordello. Life in Essex is never dull...

English for 4 year olds...

Littl'un has decided to start talking like he is just learning English as a second language. Here are a few examples:

"I have been a good boy, yes?"

"Erm, you have forgotten something, no?"

"I think I will stay up tonight and not go to bed, yes?"

"I can have some chocolate, yes?"

It is very offputting when you just want to laugh at him! He always tries it on when he wants something he knows he won't be allowed to have, it's quite a clever tactic. Put me on the back foot as it makes me laugh then I'm more likely to back down. No?!

Mechanics

So I think I have finally got wise to the wiles of mechanics. Our car had to go in for mot/service the other day and I know as I take it in with the kids they think they are on to a winner. For the second year in a row I got a phone call saying all this work had to be done "urgently" and then they quoted me a ridiculous price to do it all . Now we have no money I just laugh at them. If it passed the mot then the other stuff isn't that bad surely? I laughed at the man this time and said "write me a list and we'll do it over the next few months". At another garage. Funny as last year they told me the brakes were about to fail, it was REALLY IMPORTANT I get them fixed, but I forgot all about it and this year they didn't even mention them! Honestly. I have no trust in mechanics really, which is scary, I assume they are trying to make a fast buck on my naivety, but what if they were right and the car blew up when I was driving it?! It's a chance I'm willing to take!

If only I had my camera...

I persuaded Mr Babs to take the boys to a local park yesterday as it was the weekend and all. I didn't anticipate it would be quite as muddy as it was. But we persevered and made it round relatively mud free. Until we were about 10 metres from a nice clean path that led back to the car. Mr Babs decided to chase after Littl'un while carrying Baby Babs, slipped, did a very complicated body swerve to avoid landing on top of Baby Babs and then landed bum first in a big muddy puddle. It was hilarious! Luckily nothing was injured apart from Mr Babs's ego. But if only I had my camera ready, we could have definitely made £250 on You've been framed! Even with all the "well THAT was a good idea for an afternoon out" comments all the way home and the extra washing when we got there, it was so worth it!

I NEED a wee!!

Yesterday Littl'un went for a wee and discovered someone was already in the bathroom with the door locked. Instead of knocking and saying he REALLY needed to go, he just wee'd up the door instead. I had to applaud his efforts to make the best of a bad situation, perhaps he thought it would flood under the door and into the toilet!

Pretend Jacob has a birthday!

Yesterday Pretend Jacob had a birthday party. Littl'un pretended to invite his cousins, two friends from school, announced that "babies weren't allowed" (ie his brother) and they all had a party on the sofa. I asked how old Pretend Jacob was - he is 5 apparently. As Littl'un is only 4 this worries me, I thought they'd be the same age but Pretend Jacob actually has his own persona. I am a bit scared to ask what he looks like...

Kids!

Yesterday at tea-time Littl'un announced "Mum, you are the best cook in the world!". Bless him. He really has nothing to compare me to, which is a good thing!  In the night he also had a nightmare that he got lost and couldn't find me, he was really upset. He does love me! He drives me mad most of the time, but he's a sweetie really! And his little brother has taken to screaming really loudly to get any attention, I think he is going to be trouble...